HOLLYWOOD – Showbiz golden balls, Denis Villeneuve is to remake Blue Velvet.
Former Formula 1 racing driver, Denis Villeneuve will remake Blue Velvet right after Dune is released, according to a leaked memo.
In a leaked memo from his production office, ex racing driver, turned mega-successful movie director, Villeneuve lays out his plans for the future:
“Once Dune has been released I will embark on remaking Blue Velvet. I have cast Timothee Chamalamalamalamet as Jeffrey, the Kyle MacLachlan role. Zendaya will play Sandy, originally played by Laura Dern, Rebecca Ferguson will play Dorothy, originally played by Isabella Rossellini, Nic Cage will play oxygen mask wearing Frank and Kyle McLachlan will cameo as Ben, the part originally played by Dean Stockwell.
I’m going to make it more of a straight action thriller, none of that atmospheric bullshit. I’ve done more than enough of the artsy-fartsy crap to last me a lifetime. I’m gonna make the movies I want from now on.
As soon as we’ve banged that out – it should take me about 3 months from 1st draft to wrapping on the shoot, we’re moving swiftly on. Because I’m gonna remake Wild At Heart. Timothee Chamalamaleee as Sailor, Zendaya will play Lula and Willem Dafoe will still play Billy. Because, let’s face it, nobody does looney tunes as well as he does. But none of that surreal shit. It’ll be a fun road movie, like Planes, Trains and Automobiles. We’ll use Little Mix rather than some long haired Metal band, we’ll make a fortune.
Then, as soon as I’ve done that – should take me about 3 months from 1st draft to wrapping on the shoot, we move on. Bacause I’m gonna remake The Straight Story. Timothee Chamalamadingdong will play Alvin the old man, we’ll put him in a grey wig. Therefore, no one’ll know the difference. But we’re not having any of that gentle drama crap. We’re going full on Smokey And The Bandit. Cissy Spacek will play Big Enus and Rebecca Ferguson will play Little Enus. Nick Nolte will be The Snowman and Daniel Craig will Buford T Justice. I’m a fucking genius.”