bill hicks

HOLLYWOOD – On the twentieth anniversary of Bill Hicks‘ death, one time comedian and present day ‘actor’ Denis Leary finally admitted to stealing the visionary comedian’s act.

A tearful Leary telephoned the Studio Exec office early this morning:

All right, Jesus Christ, I did it, I stole Bill’s act. Now please tell me where my dog is.  

 He’s safe. Now tell us why? Why did you steal his act?

I wasn’t original. I had nothing. I saw Bill and I thought that was good. I mean he was edgy and he was funny and I loved his anger. So I thought, why not? No Cure for Cancer was just me doing Bill. I made it a bit more right wing, took out much of the real political stuff which I can’t say I ever understood. Oh and I never did his bit about people selling their souls to Satan if they do advertising. I mean I do adverts and it isn’t like I’m some soulless prick, is it now?

I liked you in Amazing Spider-Man.

Thank you. I really think that part showed my talent as a serious actor. I mean once Bill was gone, how could I continue doing stand up. There were no more jokes. I tried copying Seinfeld but it just wasn’t the shame. I mean Seinfeld without Seinfeld isn’t really funny. In fact Seinfeld with Seinfeld isn’t great shakes either.

You were friends with Bill Hicks.

Yeah, until he heard No Cure for Cancer. Then he wouldn’t speak to me. I was worried about him suing me but, well, there’s no cure for cancer. I didn’t mean that to be joke. I’m sorry. Look, I’ve told you what you want. Please can I have my dog back? Please. Hello? Hello? MIMSEY!!!!

Denis Leary is currently appearing in Ice Age 5

RIP Bill Hicks. 

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