DANIEL CRAIG WILL PLAY THE FIRST GAY STORMTROOPER
LONDON – Simon Pegg has revealed in an interview that Daniel Craig will play the first gay Stormtrooper in Star Wars: The Force Awakens.
“I guess the secret is out that Daniel makes an appearance in Star Wars, but, and this with blow your mind, he is playing a gay Stormtrooper. How amazing is that!”
Asked how the trooper’s raging homosexuality will manifest itself, Pegg laughed:
It won’t. It will not be referred to at all. He looks like all the other Stormtroopers and does exactly what all the other Stormtroopers do, but he’s gay. He’s not spray painted himself pink and he doesn’t openly love Dolly Parton more than life itself. He’s just quietly and unassumingly gay.
When the right-wing press heard what Pegg said in the interview, they immediately and vehemently expressed their horror that J.J Abrams was bringing man on man love to a galaxy far, far,away.
MAY THE F-ARSE BE WITH YOU
GAYS IN SPACE? IS EVERYONE DOING IT?
PALESTINE RESPONSIBLE FOR GAY STAR WARS.
IS J.J ABRAMS ON AMYL NITRATE?
So far Daniel Craig has been unavailable for comment but his secretary, Miss Moneypenny, had this to say:
I suppose I knew in my heart of hearts that 007 was a shirt-lifer. All those years of lusting after him. All those untamed nights I thrashed and masturbated, masturbated and thrashed at the thought of him slipping his Walther PPK into my silk stockings. I wasted my life on him. Big, gay, him and now, I shall retire to a convent and take vows of chastity and silence.
Meanwhile, in a shock break from the traditional format, The Studio Exec blamed the entire gay Stormtrooper thing on wine and interviewed himself:
So you’ve entered into a conversation with yourself.
Yeah. It looks like it.
Do you think that’s wise?
What the f*ck are you doing?
I’m free! Free from the constraints of the written word.
But…you’re still using words.
Sure. But now I can put a comma, wherever, I, bloody, like.
Nobody pauses that much when they’re speaking.
Asthmatics do. Not all, I mean, some have their illness under control.
You’re just babbling now.
Oh, shut up and have a cigarette.
Don’t mind if I do…
Star Wars: Buggery is due for release in December 2015