dale cooper

HOLLYWOOD – Dale Cooper is the new head of the FBI, replacing James Comey.

The announcement came from the White House in the early hours of this morning. Special Agent Dale Cooper is to take over the position of Director of the FBI following the controversial sacking of former director, James Comey. Sean Spicer told waiting reporters from behind a vase in the Rose Garden.

President Trump has today announced that Dale Cooper is to take over the running of the FBI. Agent Cooper is an excellent agent, honorable and upstanding with many years of experience. You might remember the Laura Palmer case. What many people don’t know is that Agent Cooper also lovesĀ ‘damned fine coffee’. That’s a quote.

How did the President come to this decision? Was it a recommendation?

No. President Trump is a leader, strong and decisive. He was watching television late last night and a trailer for Twin Peaks came on. I’m not sure what it was about it, but he scribbled a name in crayon on the pad he keeps and sent me out to make this statement.

But Dale Cooper is a fictional character?

Yes. And?

Well, how can a fictional character run an enormous law enforcement agency with thousands of employees?

Exactly the way our President does. With strong and decisive leadership.

Will he continue the investigation into the Russian hacking of the election?

Did I mention he likes ‘damned fine coffee’. Oh, and he’s also a fan of pie.


To be honest, Director Cooper seems to be more interested in catching real criminals. We’ve already put out a warrant for someone called ‘Bob.’

Dale Cooper will be installed later this week.


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