coen brothers

CANNES – The Coen Brothers might be the Presidents of the Cannes Jury but we reveal that their past is a hot bucket of slimy Hollywood scandal.

The Coen Brothers‘ consistent misbehaviour has been kept from the headlines by an unholy cabal of powerful agents, celebrity friends and studio heads, but a recent acceleration in debauchery could see the Serious Men – as they like to be known – facing criminal charges.
You might know them as the writer/directors whose quirky, witty and intelligent films have brought a delightful sense of entertainment that works as an antidote to the usual brainless multiplex crud, whether we’re smiling gently at ‘comedies’ such as O Brother Where Art Thou? or being thrilled by the genre exercises like No Country for Old Men.  But now Studio Exec  finally has the courage to reveal that the soft spoken due are actual a pair of wanton rascals whose horrific assault on every social taboo led Charlie Sheen to ask for a restraining order against them.

‘It’s like the Hell Fire club has been re-invented,’ a shocked looking Tim Robbins squealed. ‘When I was making the Hudsucker Proxy I asked what the title meant. So they showed me. I’ve never been so disgusted in my life. I spent the next three hours retching until there was nothing left but stomach lining and an old licence plate.’
A wife cleans up at the end of a cocaine party

So what have the brothers been guilty of:

  • When David Fincher was making Panic Room they turned up on set and sniggered at him until he made the film craply.
  • They insisted that the fake snow for Fargo be 70% pure cocaine and then they wouldn’t share, not even with their wives.
  • They told George Clooney that he could do comedy and encouraged him to make Leatherheads and then laughed in his face (the only laughter the film provoked incidentally. 
  • They once ate a traffic policeman. 
Comedy? Are you sure?
  • Lady Killers was made for the sole purpose of making Tom Hanks feel ridiculous. 
  • They often walk around Hollywood naked with Steve Buscemi and John Goodman on leashes.
  • William H. Macy was told that to prepare for the role of Jerry Lundergaard he would have to be chemically castrated. He was horrified at the end of filming to find out the scene had been removed from the script and he had burned his own penis for no good reason.
We can only hope that these revelations will serve to make the brothers think about their callous behaviour and perhaps even bring about some activity from the otherwise sluggish LAPD.
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