Wednesday 2 December 2020
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FLINT – Grizzled director, Clint Eastwood was arrested this morning for the suspected assassination of documentary film-maker Michael Moore.

“We have an 84 year old man in custody”, said Captain Brian Flanagan of the Michigan State Police:

I cannot confirm his identity but being a big fan of Unforgiven, it’s a pleasure to have such a famous celebrity incarcerated in our facility.

As word got around about Eastwood’s location, a baying mob of liberal left-wingers gathered outside of the police station:

“It was like Assault on Precinct 13” , said local restaurant owner Sal Franchesi:

Not the shitty remake with Ethan Hawke, the original. Anyway, it was scary, man. Those liberals don’t look like much but when they gather together they look like a thousand eyed monster that just escaped from Gap.

Asked if the crowd were there to avenge Michael Moore, Sal shook his head:

Nah, man. They didn’t give a damn about Michael Moore. They were there to get Eastwood for what he did to The Jersey Boys.

After two hours of the crowd repetitively singing a menacing version of  Oh what a Night, Captain Flanagan was forced to address them:

Look, I understand. My wife loved The Jersey Boys and so I took her to see the film on her birthday. It was terrible and she cried but that doesn’t mean we have the right to rip a man apart just because he makes one bad movie.

According to an eyewitness, at that point somebody from the crowd shouted, “What about Hereafter?” and Captain Flanagan turned and went back into the prison, appearing five minutes with Eastwood who he pushed towards the restless mob.

“Yeah”, said Flanagan:

I f*cking forgot about Hereafter.

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