CHIP HENSTER ‘MORE FRIGHTNED THAN AROUSED BY MILEY CYRUS’
PATERSON, NJ – Chip Henster – a sophomore at Eastside High School Paterson, New Jersey – admitted to himself late last night that Miley Cyrus now scared him much more than she aroused his broaching teenage passion.
Although a matter of supreme indifference to the multimillionaire recording artist and former Hannah Montana, it came as an uncomfortable revelation to Chip, who hitherto had found the waif-like gamin frolicking amidst exploding masonry the very apotheosis of eroticism. But having followed Cyrus’ Bangerz Tour with an increasing sense of intimidation as well as her Instagram account and been weirded out totally about ‘that shit with her dead dog’, Chip has shifted his attention elsewhere and loudly concludes that she’s ‘lame’, whenever possible.
Unfortunately, due to a prolonged residence in Chip’s nightly fantasies, Ms. Cyrus will still appear in Chip’s dreams, but this time riding a huge inflatable dog and smothering Chip to death in Japanese candy while laughing hysterically.