LAS VEGAS – Sources confirmed the news today that Charlie Sheen is not dead. He was not rushed to hospital where blood tests did not reveal a deadly cocktail of alcohol and drugs. Tearful representatives of his family and friends did not say that they had only seen him a few days ago and he seemed cheerful, full of life and excited by a new film role that was going to put him back in the game.
There won’t be a series of celebrity tributes and the overrating of films such as Wall Street and Hot Shots. Ashton Kutchner won’t be called on to make a nakedly insincere statement. People won’t feel obliged to wait two weeks before the first jokes appear at the water cooler.
In other news, Tom Sizemore also didn’t die today.