HOLLYWOOD – Reports are coming through that Charlie Kaufman has disappeared up his own ass.
King of quirk, Charlie Kaufman is rumored to have completely disappeared up his own ass. According to a brief statement from the Synechdoche Police Precinct, police were called to his apartment. There, they were shocked to find nothing but a floating anus. It’s rumored that the anus just saying ‘John Malkovich!’ over and over again.
It is suspected he disappeared after releasing the nonsensical and never ending ‘I’m Thinking Of Ending Things’ and his Kermode Book Club recommended, Antkind. Kaufman suffered a crisis of confidence. Because of the mixed reviews, he took himself for a walk down Oddball Street, then along Existential Avenue until arriving back home at Oblivion Apartments. Neighbours then reported strange and guttural sounds coming from the auteur’s apartment. We think he attempted to ‘out-quirk’ himself and he fell foul of his own smarts.
‘His ass hole opened right up and then he charged up it, like a rat up a drainpipe,’ said Inspector Calahan, who is leading the investigation. ‘We tried sticking a fibre-optic camera up there but it just comes out at the Jersey Turnpike. What a headfuck! Am I right?’
Access to the asshole is currently being hindered because Kaufman’s apartment is permanently on fire. Detective Callahan stated progress will be slow, to avoid any officers disappearing up their own assholes. ‘You see, we gotta be real careful here. Because, if we get too meta, we’re gonna shoot right up our own butt holes. That might be ok for someone like Kaufman. He makes a living out of it. I don’t think your average Jonny Flatfoot will take too kindly to that kind of existential anal angst. What a bummer. So we’ll just keep probing away.’