SCRIPT LEAK: DANNY BOYLE’S 007 JAMES BOND

HOLLYWOOD – The script of Danny Boyle’s Bond 25 has leaked onto the internet.

The new James Bond director Danny Boyle is furious that the first draft of the script for the film has leaked onto the internet.

We publish an extract from the first few pages which we obtained from an anonymous source called Ewan McGregor.

EXT. EDINBURGH. DAY.

JAMES BOND runs down the street clutching a six pack of TENNENTS SUPER STRENGTH LAGER.

JAMES BOND (V.O.)

Choose being chased by Helicopters. Choose Walther PPK and a license to kill. Choose Bond girls and Austin Martins. Choose ejector seats and Union Jack parachutes. Choose Grace Jones and Christopher Walken. Choose Q and pens that fire lasers.

EXT. PARK. DAY.

SICK BOY and JAMES BOND have an air rifle and are aiming at random strangers. A skinhead with a bulldog.

SICK BOY 

(SEAN CONNERY accent)

Do you have the beasht in your shights 007?

JAMES BOND

Yesh.

INT. SLUM HOUSE. NIGHT.

James Bond is shooting up heroin. M comes in. 

M

007 what’s the meaning of this? You’re supposed to be on a mission in Brazil.

JAMES BOND

FFfffffffuck offfff.

Bond collapses. 

M

Oh my God, he’s overdosing.

SHIRLEY BASSEY sings ‘Perfect Day’.

 

THE END.

 

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BLADE RUNNER 2050 SCRIPT LEAKS

HOLLYWOOD – Someone just leaked the script for Blade Runner 2050 onto the internet.

Did you love Blade Runner 2049? Do you want to see the sequel Blade Runner 2050? Well, there’s a good chance you never will. But we’ve managed to get a copy of the script after it leaked onto the internet. So here it is.

INT. CLOSE UP. 

Extreme close up of an eye blinking. Hans Zimmer blows his electronic TUBA.

EXT. CINEMATOGRAPHY. NIGHT

Cinematography as far as the eye can see. J (Hayden Christensen) pilots a Spinner, a futuristic flying car over the miles and miles of cinematography, until he lands on the roof of a magnificent ziggurat. 

INT. ZIGGURAT. NIGHT

J descends in a strobing lift and enters a magnificent hall, where he is greeted by L (Lindsay Lohan) and an OWL.

L

Welcome to the Production Design.

J

Thank you. I’ve come from the cinematography.

Do you like the production design?

J

Yes. 

L

You could at least look at it.

J

I did look at it. Is that owl artificial?

L

Of course it is.

J

It must be very expensive.

We put it in the production design budget. 

J

I’ve come to see if you’re human. 

L

I’m not. Neither are you. 

J

Is anyone human anymore?

OWL

I am. 

FIN

 

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STEPHEN KING’S LEGO MOVIE 2 SCRIPT LEAKS ONTO INTERNET

HOLLYWOOD – The Lego Movie 2 is already in production, but Stephen King’s script has apparently leaked onto the internet.

Everyone loved The Lego Movie. But now you can read the script to The Lego Movie 2, written by Stephen King.

INT. BEDROOM. NIGHT.

A man and his wife are sleeping in bed. A soft THUMP is heard. 

 WIFE

(Waking up)

What’s that, honey?

MAN 

Go back to sleep sweetheart, I’ll go and check it out.

The man gets out of bed. He looks at his slippers. 

MAN

(to himself)

I guess I don’t really need to wear those. 

He walks out of the bedroom and down the corridor to his son’s room. 

INT. SON’S BEDROOM. NIGHT.

The son turns over in his sleep. There are a pile of comic books on the bed and another one slides off the bed and lands with a THUMP. Tiptoeing, DAD crosses the room and moves the comic books to the shelves and then tucks his son in with a smile. Turning to return to his bedroom he…

CLOSE UP on barefoot:

…steps on a piece of Lego. 

He SCREAMS in agony. And falls in slow motion. CUJO the LEGO dog leaps from the shadows and tears an arm off. LEGO Annie Wilkes chops his foot off at the ankle with a LEGO ax handed to her by LEGO Jack Torrance. The creepy LEGO twins stand blocking DAD’s path.

LEGO TWINS

Come and play with us Daddy. Forever,

and ever,

and ever.

LEGO Pennywise lead the others in song.

ALL

(singing)

Everything is terrifying,

Everything is terrifying

(when you’ve stepped on a LEGO).

FINE

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SCRIPT LEAK: THE MATRIX REBOOT

HOLLYWOOD – We received a script leak that purports to be an early draft of The Matrix Reboot.

The Matrix reboot is taking place, whether we want it or not. The Studio Exec has received an early draft of the script. We decided to publish and Warner Bros. be damned. Here it is:

MORPHEUS and NEO sit in a dark green room. Morpheus opens his hands to reveal that in each palm there rests a pill. One is red and one is blue. Speaking very slowly Morpheus explains.

MORPHEUS

This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill—the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill—you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.

NEO (confused)

Well, I…

MORPHEUS

Remember: all I’m offering is the truth. Nothing more.

Neo takes the blue pill. 

THE END.

Copyright 2017 Warner Bros.

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SCRIPT LEAK: TRAINSPOTTING 2

 Int:Renton is whistling merrily and making a salad in the kitchen of his respectable London flat. The door bell rings, it’s Begbie.

                                                                   Renton
Afternoon Sir. Lovely day isn’t it?
 
Begbie
F*ck you yer f*cking c*nt. Ave you got any f*cking heroin?
 
Renton
I’m a 43 year old charted accountant living in Fulham, Begbie. Where, pray tell, would I purchase heroin from?
 
Begbie
Aw f*cking come on Rents. Just a wee f*cking hit.
 
Renton
Bad day?
 
Begbie
Ack it’s been a right c*nt of a day. Two lads in my class failed their f*cking Maths exam and that c*nt of a headmaster got all up in my face telling me I’ve got to give them extra f*cking tuition after school.
 
Renton
Sounds like a ghastly business. I’m surprised you didn’t attack him.
 
Begbie
Aye I wanted to chin the c*nt but since I’ve been going to those f*cking anger management classes I’m a reformed f*cking character.
 
Renton
Indeed you are. Now do you want to eat now, or after our Yoga class?
 
Begbie
F*cking after you slow c*nt. There’s no f*cking way I can get myself into the Ustrasana position with a full f*cking stomach.
 
Renton
Fine then let’s go. By the way, can you still make it to the Chekov play at the Donmar on Friday night? Sick Boy has already bought the tickets.
 
Begbie
Aw f*ck me! I f*cking forgot. Which f*cking play is it?
 
Renton
The Seagull
 
Begbie
Ack. Aye all f*cking right but if it was that c*nt Uncle Vanya I’d have told you to go f*cking f*ck yourself.


FIN

SCRIPT LEAK: GUY RITCHIE’S ALADDIN

HOLLYWOOD – Read the script for Guy Ritchie’s live-action remake of Disney’s Aladdin.

News that Guy Ritchie’s live action Aladdin has been green lit hit the internet yesterday. Today, the Studio Exec got EXCLUSIVE access to the script. Here is an excerpt.

EXT: THE DESERT. NIGHT

Aladdin, his pet pit bull Stains and Jafar approach the mouth of the cave.

JAFFAR

Aladdin, you slag! Get in that f*cking cave and get me my effing lamp.

ALADDIN

Awight, me old mucker! Be out in a jiffy.

INT. CAVE. NIGHT

Aladdin searches through piles of treasure, flies a magic carpet with Stainsand finds the lamp. 

ALADDIN

Jesus H. This lamp’s bleedin’ filthy. I’m gonna give it a good old rub.

Rubbing the lamp, Aladdin releases a huge blue Genie!

GENIE

Two thousand years is such a pain the ARSE!

ALADDIN

Cor blimey! 

GENIE
Awight Guvnor. What can I do for you? You got yerself three cups and dishes.

ALADDIN

Cups and dishes.

GENIE

Cups and dishes – Wishes. Shine a light. 

ALADDIN

Awight. I’ll have a motor, a nice new gaff and a packet of fish and chips please.

GENIE

Whoa! Hold your horses mucker. Doncha wanna become a Prince, impress Princess Jasmine, fly around the world singing a song. 

ALADDIN

What a chump! Wait. I’ll have a pint of warm beer instead of the fish and chips. What was I thinking?

Stains, Genie and Aladdin sing a ‘Whole New World’ and get pissed up on booze.

THE END

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SUICIDE SQUAD 2 SCRIPT LEAKS ONLINE

HOLLYWOOD – The script for the sequel to David Ayers’ Suicide Squad – Suicide Squad 2 – has leaked online.

Read this EXCLUSIVE extract from the much anticipated comic book move Suicide Squad 2.

INT. RESTAURANT. NIGHT.

Amanda WALLER briefs the MINISTER from a thick file as they sit in a restaurant.

WALLER

The first one is Harley Quinn. She’s the one they call Harlequin. Also known as Harl E. Quin.

MINISTER

Looks crazy.

WALLER

She is crazy. They call her Harley Quinn.

MINISTER

You said that already.

WALLER

I’ll provide a graphic as well I think. 

Graphic introduces Harley Quin, zippy and youthful. With colors.

The Waiter approaches the table. 

WAITER

Are you ready to order?

WALLER

This is the Waiter. He is the one who brings food to your table.

He usually gets it right but sometimes if he’s carrying too much

he’ll accidentally put his thumb in your food. They call him Malcolm.

Graphic introduces Malcolm the waiter. 

INT. PRISON CELL. NIGHT.

Harley QUINN is taking a shower in warm cream wearing a ZANY smile. Prison guards surround the cage. It’s not entirely clear but some of them seem to be jerking off.

HARLEY QUINN

I’m a bad girl! Hee hee! Kind of like a feminist but with a push up bra and no pants!

PRISON GUARD

She’s gorgeous and somehow reminds me of my 13 year old daughter. Which is NOT weird. 

INT. RESTAURANT. NIGHT.

WALLER

This is Deadshot. As a marksman He’s a deadshot. I guess that’s how he got his name.

EXT. FIRING RANGE. DAY.

Deadshot is given a massive array of firearms while an infographic at the bottom of the screen gives the phone number of the local branch of the NRA.

DEADSHOT

I have just a big erection right now.

DEADSHOT shoots all the the targets in the head, in the face, in the genitalia. He fires off all the fingers of the hand of a target, clips of ears and draws smiles on the faces with bullet holes.  

DEADSHOT

What’s the mission?

WALLER

There’s been another mass shooting in a school. We need you to find the mass shooter and shoot them.

DEADSHOT

How postmodern!

FINIS

 

SCRIPT LEAK: THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST 2

HOLLYWOOD – Braveheart screenwriter Randall Wallace has scripted The Passion of the Christ 2.

Mel Gibson and writer Randall Wallace are working on a sequel to The Passion of the Christ that will tell the story of the resurrection of Jesus and the Studio Exec have just received a leaked early draft.

EXT. GARDEN OF GETHSEMANE. DAY.

The Virgin Mary, Mary Magdalene and several other women approach Jesus’ tomb. It is empty and they are amazed.

  MARY

Where’s Jesus’ body? His funeral vestments are here but there is no sign of him.

They look wistfully to the distance.

INT. THE TEMPLE. DAY.

The main synagogue of Jerusalem is in uproar. Jesus is fighting the pharisees and high priests.

PHARISEE

Jesus, we’re sorry. We really thought you were just a crank!

JESUS

You assholes sold me out. Now you pay.

He throws the priest into the tabernacle. 

INT. PILATE’S PALACE. DAY.

Pilate is having breakfast when Jesus bursts in killing two centurions with one spear throw.

PILATE
It’s the King of the Jews!

JESUS

Jews? F*ck those guys! I’m king of the Christians, bitch!

Jesus drowns Pilate in the same bowl of water that he used to wash his hands.

EXT. HILL ABOVE JERUSALEM. DAY.

Judas hangs from a tree, but Jesus with a look of compassion takes him down. He places a hand over his face and mutters a silent prayer. Judas’ eyes flutter as he comes back to life.

JUDAS

Jesus, my Lord. You brought me back to life!? You truly are the Son of God. Please forgive me.

JESUS
I always taught you to turn the other cheek.

JUDAS

Yes, Master.

JESUS

Then turn this cheek asshole!

Jesus punches Judas’ head clean off.

THE END

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SNEAK PEEK OF JAMIE BELL AS 007

HOLLYWOOD – Following the revelation that English actor Jamie Bell will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond 007, an image was released onto the internet which is supposedly the first poster for the new James Bond movie: Jimmy Bond.

Jamie Bell has been confirmed to play an earlier incarnation of Her Majesty’s most secret agent, James Bond 007.

The film begins long before Casino Royale when James Bond was simply Jimmy Bond, just another boy in the prep school, with dreams of espionage and ballet. But mainly espionage.

Jimmy Bond first apeared as a character int he Peter Sellers parody Casino Royale and was played by Woody Allen, but the new version of the Bond character is to be taken seriously according to writer Paul Haggis:

We’ve been playing for years with the idea of putting a younger Bond on screen. Charlie Higson wrote some really interesting Young Adult novels with the young Bond, but we’re going to do something different. This is going to be the first James Bond song and dance film and I think it’s about time. Bond won’t be dealing with Spectre and SMERSH but instead, a batey headmaster and a couple of bully wags in the cloister pantry.

Jimmy Bond will be released in 2018.

 Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

BEN AFFLECK’S BATMAN SCRIPT LEAKS ONTO INTERNET

HOLLYWOOD – Following on from Batman v Superman, Ben Affleck has written his own stand alone Batman script.

The Studio Exec has received a leaked copy of the script and here is publishing an EXCLUSIVE EXTRACT.

 

EXT: TEHRAN, IRAN – DAY

A desert wind blows down the street as the American hostages are escorted to the prison. But suddenly a shadow as of a bat sweeps over them.

TERRORIST

Oh no!

BATMAN attacks and kills all the terrorists with a Gattling Gun.

BATMAN

Taste my pain, bitches.

Batman rescues the hostages.

INT. WHITE HOUSE – DAY

President Obama gives BATMAN the Congressional Medal of Honor.

PRESIDENT OBAMA

Well, Batman, What can I say? That was amazing! First you kill the terrorists, then you rescue the hostages and now you’ve given me a comprehensive solution to climate change.

BATMAN
Just something I did on my lunchbreak. But it still won’t bring back my parents.

PRESIDENT OBAMA

No of course not. But is there something more that we can do for you?

BATMAN

Yes, I need you to give me back Robin.

PRESIDENT OBAMA
Robin? I don’t believe we have anyone in our employ called Robin.

BATMAN

The truth is he was part of a CIA black ops and you wiped his memory and convinced him his name was Jason Bourne.

PRESIDENT OBAMA

Wow, so all those films were just…

BATMAN

Prequels.

INT. BATCAVE. NIGHT.

BATMAN and ROBIN are looking at a map of the city.

ROBIN

It’s good to be back, Batman. With my memory fully restored. I could have sworn that I helped you write Good Will Hunting.

BATMAN

Nope, that was all me. Ready. Tonight we much face a cabal of our darkest foes.

ROBIN

The Joker?

BATMAN

No!

ROBIN
The Riddler?

BATMAN

Guess again Boy Wonder!

ROBIN

The New York Critics Circle?

BATMAN

A.O. Scott and his villainous gang must be stopped. To the Batmobile. And don’t forget the napalm!

FINIS

SCRIPT LEAK: TOP GUN 2

Top Gun 2

Int: Bedroom

Brett Maverick (Tom Cruise) is in bed. A mysterious figure is under the sheets straddling his back to the sound of the Serge Gainsbourg classic, Je T’aime. The phone rings. Maverick picks it up.

                                                              Captain     

Maverick? Get your ass in here now, boy. The Russians have invaded Afghanistan. I need you in the air by zero nine hundred.

Maverick      

     Sorry Captain, I can’t talk now, I’ve got a bogey on my six.

Ice Man    

Who the f*ck are you calling a bogey?

FIN    

 

CORMAC McCARTHY’S GHOSTBUSTERS 3 SCRIPT

EXCLUSIVE – Read an EXCLUSIVE extract from Cormac McCarthy’s failed Ghostbusters 3 script.

American novelist and Counselor screenwriter Cormac McCarthy new version of Ghostbusters 3 was ultimately rejected but the Studio Exec have got our hands on the first draft which (interestingly enough) was written in crayon.

 

INT. FIRE STATION. NIGHT.
A phone rings in the desolate waste of the night. A man. A man answers the phone.

VENKMAN

Hello.

HOTEL MANAGER

You know what there is?

VENKMAN

No. I don’t know.

HOTEL MANAGER

It’s a ghost. There’s a ghost. And I thought, I thought, who am I gonna call? Then it came to me. I’m gonna call Ghostbusters. 

VENKMAN

What did you do next?

HOTEL MANAGER

This is it. This is me. Now. Calling Ghostbusters. This is Ghostbusters, right?

VENKMAN

Only in a deeply painful way. But yes. I suppose it is.

EXT. NEW YORK STREET. NIGHT.
The famous Ghostbusters mobile drives with the siren wailing and the light flashing.

FADE TO BLACK


INT. FIRE STATION. NIGHT.

Venkman, Ray and Spengler sit. They are covered in slime and look exhausted and distressed by the moral efficacy, or otherwise, of their deliberations.

VENKMAN

The Ghost.

SPENGLER

Busted.

RAY

You got slimed Peter. Aren’t you cold?

VENKMAN

The truth has no temperature.

RAY

I don’t understand. Are you cold or not?

VENKMAN

In a word, ‘women’.

SPENGLER

No, I still don’t get it.

VENKMAN

Just get me a towel.

He pauses for the laughter he will never hear. Ray passes him a towel. He fails to use it.


FADE TO BLACK


FIN

Ghostbusters 3 will be released in 2017. 

SCRIPT LEAK: HOUSE OF CARDS SEASON 4

INT: WHITE HOUSE

 

FRANK UNDERWOOD IS SAT AT HIS DESK IN THE OVAL OFFICE. A HIGH RANKING MILITARY OFFICIAL ENTERS.

                                                           MAN

                                                     Mr President.

                                                         FRANK

                                                   What news, John?

                                                           MAN

                                             It’s not good, I’m afraid.

                                                          FRANK

                                          Tell me what you know.

                                                            MAN

I know now that in the early years of the twentieth century this world was being watched closely by intelligences greater than man’s and yet as mortal as his own. I know now that as human beings busied themselves about their various concerns they were scrutinized and studied, perhaps almost as narrowly as a man with a microscope might scrutinize the transient creatures that swarm and multiply in a drop of water. With infinite complacence people went to and fro over the earth about their little affairs, serene in the assurance of their dominion over this small spinning fragment of solar driftwood which by chance or design man has inherited out of the dark mystery of Time and Space. Yet across an immense ethereal gulf, minds that to our minds as ours are to the beasts in the jungle, intellects vast, cool and unsympathetic, regarded this earth with envious eyes and slowly and surely drew their plans against us.

                                                        FRANK

                                      My God. This can only mean one thing.

                                                         MAN

                             Indeed, Sir. How would you like me to proceed?

                                                        FRANK

I’d like you to stop taking recreational LSD , John. You’re the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff of the United States for Christ’s sake.

                                                        MAN

                                          Of course, thank you, Sir.