PAUL GIAMATTI TO RETIRE FROM THE MUSIC INDUSTRY

HOLLYWOOD – Paul Giamatti is to retire from all managerial and agency activity in the music industry effective immediately.

Paul Giamatti has announced that he is retiring from the music industry and severing all ties with the business. He popped into the Studio Exec Studio to explain his decision:

I feel I’m getting a really bad rap. I’ve done my best by everyone but I don’t know what it is, I always seem to be on the wrong side of every argument. I mean it seems to start out okay. I find talent and I believe in it when no one else will but then all of a sudden, I’m the bad guy. I really don’t get it. Music has always been my first love but maybe I should simply stick to acting.

Aside from being a celebrated movie actor, Paul Giamatti has represented a series of musical acts propelling them to great success. Ultimately, however, his relationships always seem to sour with accusations of exploitation and manipulation frequently leveled at the gravelly voiced impresario.  Ice Cube said that although he has had run ins with Giamatti in the past when Giamatti discovered NWA, those wounds have healed.

I was angry with Paul for a long time. I felt he had basically moved me out of the group. He had a particular vision. But I recognised as well as I got older that we would ahve got nowhere without him. So when Ic ame to put together Straight Outta Compton I told everybody, we got to have Paul come in and play himself. We changed the name so it wouldn’t be jarring but I was overwhelmed by how well he did. He didn’t sugarcoat it or nothing.

Brian Wilson of The Beach Boys was another musician who Giamatti has represented to controversial results.

Many feel that I was dominated by Paul, but I was also a very vulnerable person and in the end I do think he wanted what was best for me. Ultimately, he wanted what was best for Paul as well. And so…

Paul Giamatti has decided that he will be concentrating mostly on acting, but with more free time on his hands he is also eager to continue with another hobby: studying seismic activity.

DONALD TRUMP PROMISES TO DEPORT STING

NEW YORK – In what is seen as a vote winning move, Donald Trump has said that if he is made President his first act following his inauguration will be to deport British born singer Sting.

The business tycoon turned Reality star Donald Trump promised yesterday that if he were made President he would prioritize the immediate deportation of musician Sting. He told a packed rally at Iowa State University.

I will deport Sting. He’s an alien, he’s an illegal alien. He’s an Englishman. And he’s in New York.

Donald Trump denied that the policy change was due to the advice of Governor Sarah Palin who endorsed him recently and who is set to star with Mr. Trump in a new film project.

Trump told reporters:

Sting comes here. He’s not a friendly guy. Don’t Stand so Close to Me, he sings. Why not? What’s so good about you that we can’t stand so close to you? He favors prostitution. He’s lived in our country for decades and has never become a citizen and he’s so brazen about the illegal status of his residency that he sings about it on a hit album.

Donald Trump will be released in 2018.

DONALD TRUMP MAKES AMERICA GREAT AGAIN

NEW YORK – Donald Trump has already gone some way to fulfilling his promise to make America great again, having bought Gerry Beckley and Dewey Bunnell new guitars.

The front-runner for the Republican nomination and former reality star Donald Trump today announced that he had already begun to make 1970s rock group America great again, thus beginning to fulfill a central campaign promise. He came over to Exec Tower to tell us what was going on:

We’ve bought them new guitars. They’re beautiful guitars. I’ve talked to my good friend Billy Joel and he along with Huey Lewis and perhaps Cyndi Lauper if she’s not on the rag are all going to write some new songs for the boys. We want America out there performing new material. Not just rotting away on the nostalgia circuit churning out the old hits ‘A Horse with no Name’ and ‘Ventura Highway’.

But when you said you were going to make America great again, you were referring to the country?

What country? America’s a continent for a start so that doesn’t make sense. And it’s a continent that includes Mexico. You think it’s my job to make Mexico – the country where rape is a Saturday afternoon sport – better again? Is that what you’re saying?

I suppose not.

I was very clear. And Now people will see that even before I’m president I’m making changes. We’ve bought the boys new guitars, I have top stylists changing their look. They can do a single with Rihanna and Kanye West, if he’s not busy looking after his compass family. America will be great again and it will all be to my credit, because as well as being a businessman of intense and articulate intelligence, I am also a rock Svengali.

Donald Trump is due to be president in 2017.

KANYE WEST ANNOUNCES RETIREMENT

HOLLYWOOD – Following the birth of his new son Saint West, musician, genius and rapper, Kanye West has announced his retirement from music.

Kanye West has given up his music career because he wants to devote himself to being an asshole. ‘The music, writing and recording and touring, it was all taking too much time away from all my asshole-y stuff,’ he told a close friend.

The news came as something as a shock to the general public but those close to Kanye West say that the decision has been years in the making. An insider spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

I don’t honestly think it has been a secret that Kanye has been drifting away from the music scene for some time. He has dabbled with the idea of entering politics, or perhaps funding some kind of tech start up company, or maybe even just being a full time dad, but music kept pulling him back.

In a statement released via his record label, Kanye announced:

After careful consideration and consultation with my family, my friends and my management team I have decided to retire from the music business effective immediately. I have loved music and still love it so much that it pains me but I have decided if I can’t give music the full 100% of my attention I shouldn’t really do it at all. And so I am retiring to devote myself 100% of the time to being an asshole. All my creative energy, all my time and all my energy will go into my endeavouring to be as big an asshole as it is possible to be. I’m not going to pretend it’s easy. After all we’ve got Drake, Chris Brown and now Donald Trump to compete with, but I’m sure with my experience and track record and with the laser precision focus I bring, I can become the number one asshole of the USA, if not the world.

Kanye West is available.

BOB DYLAN DISOWNS HIS SON

HOLLYWOOD – Bob Dylan today disowned his son George Zimmerman, following the news that Zimmerman was painting confederate flags for a ‘Muslim free’ gun shop owner.

The folk singer and song writer Bob Dylan had kept silent about his son, throughout his trial for the murder of Trayvon Martin in 2012. Dylan watchers said that Dylan’s silence was an attempt to distance himself from his progeny.

Leonard Cohen when asked stated:

I didn’t know they were related. I know Bob’s real name is Zimmerman, but I don’t recall him having a son called George. But then again I haven’t seen him in a long time.

Others ridiculed the idea that Bob Dylan should say anything about George Zimmerman. Bruce Springsteen told the Studio Exec:

Why should he come out and talk about it? George Zimmerman has nothing to do with him.

But filmmaker Spike Lee argued that Dylan’s first duty was to combat racism in all its forms:

The answer Mr. Dylan is not ‘blowing in the wind’, the answer is to be forthright and complete in your condemnation of your son’s actions.

The Oldboy director went on to give out the addresses of several old people who had vaguely similar names.

However, George Zimmerman’s most recent behavior – selling paintings of confederate flags to a ‘Muslim free’ gun shop owner – seems to have been a step too far for Dylan who told Studio Exec:

George Zimmerman is NOT my son. Do you understand? Now? Finally? Jesus Christ. And now look you’ve made me curse.

George Zimmerman was unavailable for comment.

 

BELA TARR TO DIRECT MTV’S VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS

HOLLYWOOD – Famed Hungarian film director Bela Tarr will be directing the MTV Video Music Awards at the end of August.

The director of The Werkmeister Harmonies and The Turin Horse Bela Tarr was chosen personally by presenter Miley Cyrus to bring quality to the MTV Video Music Awards ceremony.

Miley Cyrus spoke to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I’ve always liked working with challenging artists. Terry Richardson, Pharrell Williams, Billy Ray Cyrus! And now I get the opportunity to work with one of the best. I’ve loved Bela Tarr’s work ever since Santanango. It was a film that spoke to me the way no other 6 hour epic about life in a small Hungarian village has.

Bela Tarr himself was effusive about the opportunity:

I love music and I have always thought that music videos came as a kind of inspiration to me as an artist. That one that Dire Straits did for Money for Nothing? Amazing! Anything by Rihanna.

How will you approach the awards?

The whole thing I’m filming in austere black and white. I will have a narration in Hungarian (naturally) quoting Rilke, Nietzsche and Kierkegaard. The whole show will be one uninterrupted take.

What about commercial breaks?

UNINTERRUPTED I said! There will be no commercial breaks because there are no commercial breaks in life. At the end the audience will have the impression that they have just watched God die of some disease that involves a lot of coughing.

The MTV Video Music Awards will be broadcast later this month.  

ARIANA GRANDE CHARGED WITH FOOD TAMPERING

HOLLYWOOD – Police in Lake Elsinore, California, have issued a warrant for the arrest of Ariana Grande following the release of a video that shows her licking donuts.

Riverside County public health officials reviewed the surveillance footage, which appears to show Ariana Grande and backup dancer, Ricky Alvarez, as they “maliciously lick” donuts on top of a counter. Grande and Alvarez visited the Wolfee Donuts shop and during the visit what is called in police parlance a ‘licking incident’ took place. The owner of the shop informed the police of the incident and a SWAT team was sent to the Donut Shop but Ariane Grande nad Alvarez had already escaped.

A spokesperson for the police said:

What we are concerned about most of all are copy cat incidents. Ms. Grande is a very popular young woman with a lot of fans. If even half of them decide that this kind of behavior is ‘cool’ then that is enough to cover all the donuts in California in in teenagers’ spittle. We have to say this is personal for the police. We love donuts. That isn’t a cliche, it’s just absolutely true.

If found guilty, Ariana Grande will be sentenced to death.

 

ASIF KAPADIA TO MAKE HALF MAN HALF BISCUIT DOCUMENTARY

HOLLYWOOD – Following his Amy Winehouse documentary Amy, Asif Kapadia has been commissioned to make a new film about popular mid-Eighties rock band Half Man Half Biscuit.

Formed in Birkenhead Merseyside in 1984, Half Man Half Biscuit first gained international fame with the album Back in the DHSS and despite splitting up at the end of the decade soon reformed to produced a string of chart topping albums, including This Leaden Pall, Achtung Bono and This is Godcore. Asif Kapadia spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec at Cannes:

I’ve never known a time that I did not know Half Man Half Biscuit. I think that that  like many people I listened to them at school. I watched them on Live Aid and on MTV. Their videos, the magazine covers, everything they did, I followed. To be honest when I made my film Senna, I wasn’t that interested in Ayrton Senna or motor racing and likewise with Amy Winehouse for Amy. But with Half Man Half Biscuit… this is my passion project.

Founding members Nigel Blackwell and Neil Crossley have disassociated themselves from the film and are refusing to cooperate with Kapadia, but the filmmaker is unfazed.

I think the guys have every right not to be involved. Obviously I’d prefer their blessing, but when you have been subject to the media scrutiny these guys have, I totally understand them wanting to protect what little shred of their privacy they have left.

The documentary will be made up of extensive use of stock footage and concert film, and will it is believed include revelations of Tranmere Rovers support and Ribena addiction.

Half Man Half Biscuit Full Disclosure will be released in 2016.

ROBIN THICKE PRODUCES EMILY DICKINSON TRIBUTE ALBUM

 

AMHERST, MASS. – Robin Thicke has been in the thick of it with his Blurry Lines hit song and controversial nudity rich video, but now he’s turning his attention to the woman who has inspired him most in life: Emily Dickinson.

“I’ve liked her poems since I first read them at school, mainly I suppose because they’re short,” said the singer-songwriter. 

His new album – which adapts Dickinson’s lyrics to R’n’B rhythms – is described by the publicity material as an attempt to show Thicke’s more sensitive female friendly side. Emily Needs Dicks, Son features eleven tracks including ‘Because I Could Not Stop for Dick’, ‘There is Another Sky (Up the Ass)’, ‘Dick, We Will Forget Her’ and ‘Nobody Knows This Little Rose (Until the Gangbang Mix)’.

Feminist groups and Dickinson experts have reacted with predictable horror at the news, but Thicke is confident he can win them over: 

That Blurry Lines stuff, I’ll admit was a bit raw. But this stuff is gonna be sophisticated. You see in the videos we’re gonna have Megan Fox playing Emily Dickinson. And she’ll be my muse, like, who I’ll worship and go to for inspiration. And I’ll be fully clothed and she’ll be totally nude, except for when we’re pelting her with dung and such (ironically).

Robin Thicke’s new album Emily Needs Dicks, Son will be released in 2016. 

KANYE WEST TELLS PAUL MCCARTNEY ‘BEYONCE WAS BEST BEATLE’

HOLLYWOOD –  Backstage at the Grammys, Kanye West blasted Paul McCartney as a talentless no-hoper who should admit publicly that Beyoncé wrote all the Beatles’ songs.

A furious Kanye West ranted for five full minutes with his face just meters from the ex-Beatles face:

You are a f*cking disgrace, and if you had any artistic integrity you would go out on that stage and admit in front of all your peers that it was Beyoncé Knowles who wrote all the best tracks on Sgt. Peppers and all the tracks on Abbey Road and not only did you not credit her the way you ought have, you even changed the name of her best album to The White Album cause you were a bunch of cracker assholes.

Shocked onlookers tried to defend the elderly rocker, arguing with Kanye that Beyonce Knowles wasn’t even born when the Beatles broke up. But the belligerent rapper became apoplectic:

That’s what makes it so galling. She manages to write all those motherf*cking songs and she hasn’t even been born yet. As a little preconceived filth thought she has more artistic integrity than all these Scientologists. And she does the Pipes of Peace and that f*cking one with the frogs, I can’t remember what it was called but it was Goddamned genius. With the f*cking frogs singing like a f*cking chorus. What the f*ck was it called? Yeezus!

The former Fab Four member told the press that he agreed with everything he said and that he hoped that Kanye West would continue to make wonderful music and that tuna fish that he liked so much that comes in the tins.

Kanye West will be next interrupting an acceptance speech at the Oscars on the 22nd of February.

 

KAYNE WEST BUYS WHITE SLAVE FOR DAUGHTER

NEW YORK – Idiot rapper, Kayne West is embroiled in another scandal today after immigration papers revealed that he has purchased a white slave for his daughter, North West.

3 year-old British national, Timmy Jenkins was sold to West by his parents, Keith and Angie Jenkins in exchange for tickets to Kanye’s next UK tour.

“We really love Kayne. His beats are so fat and his lyrics make me really horny”, said Angie.

According to a source, Timmy has already been introduced to North and the pair are getting along famously.

“North looked a little puzzled at first but she soon worked out the benefits”, said a member of Kayne’s entourage:

She’s got the boy fetching his toys and he’s riding on his back around the room. Probably the cutest thing is when they play outside. Timmy picks cotton and sings nursery rhymes whilst North ambles around playing with a toy gun shouting ‘Pick faster!’.

Amnesty International questioned the legality of the purchase but West’s lawyer Rosyton Eezee claims Kanye suffered an allergic reaction to some moisturiser which effected his decision making abilities:

Kayne was out of his mind and he bought a lot of crazy things that night; An Indian elephant, the Shroud of Turin, the bones of Colonel Sanders.  He even bought the complete discography of Beck which proves he wasn’t mentally sound. He will be sending Timmy on a first-class plane back to the UK immediately with a goodie bag, a signed poster and all of the cotton he managed to pick.

MILEY CYRUS HIT BY WRECKING BALL

HOLLYWOOD – Tragic news coming in that Miley Cyrus – actress, pop star, tongue activist – has been hit and killed by a wrecking ball in an incident police are calling ‘both funny and sad’.

The singer was walking with her entourage close by a construction site in West Hollywood when the a chain broke on the operating machinery and the wrecking ball swung out of control, hitting the former Hannah Montana and carrying her aloft and leaving her ‘in a blazing fall’. Cyrus was taken directly to Cedars Sinai where doctors worked desperately.

A spokesperson for the hospital told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

The injuries sustained were massive and death was inevitable. Let this be a lesson to young people everywhere. It is one thing to be hit like a wrecking ball and a totally different thing to be hit by a wrecking ball. The latter will truly wreck you.

Police have dismissed the notion that the wrecking ball incident was intentional:

This was a mechanical failure pure and simple. The operator is in a state of extreme distress. He has very little memory of the incident, saying he just closed his eyes and swung. He didn’t mean to start a war. The rest of it is just the song, he was just singing. I think he was in shock.

Pharrell Williams, who was walking with the singer just inches away at the moment of the incident said that he was ‘not happy’. It is understood he is in the studio working on a tribute song to Cyrus based on her hit ‘Wrecking Ball’ but with some lyrical adjustment.

Pharrell Williams’ latest single Unhappy will be released later today.

SCIENTISTS CONFIRM TAYLOR SWIFT FINDINGS

MASSACHUSETTS – Scientist at MIT have confirmed that the hypotheses forwarded by Ms. Taylor Swift in her song Shake It Off are confirmed by empirical evidence as well as under laboratory conditions.

Dr. Habbley Athernot told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We first heard the song like many others as just another pleasant tune from the toothsome songstress and multi-award winning artist. However, it occurred to some of us that some of her ideas might be testable and more importantly we could get both media coverage and a grant.

So what did you do?

Well, some of the experiments were carried out through mass observation in the field but others involved controlled experiments that we could perform in the laboratory. Following a combination of the two which logged over three hundred hours in the field and a little over a thousand carefully chosen test subjects we were able to pronounce with a 87% chance of certainty that Ms. Swift was 100% accurate.

How so?

Of all the haters we looked at, and we contacted about 700 we found that 100% admitted hating something and therefore haters are going to hate, hate, hate, hate, hate. Likewise anyone who self-identified as a player (we interviewed about 500 of these) also confirmed to having played a game, or having played life metaphorically as if it was a game, so players are similarly going to play, play, play, play, play. Fakers are famously difficult to study, but using control groups and blind experiments along with industrial quantities of  sodium thiopental, more commonly known as sodium pentothal, we found they would indeed fake fake fake fake fake. We came across some difficulty when we tried to understand the mechanism by which we can access whether heart-breakers are going to break, but we are willing to go with Ms. Swift because she was also accurate about another matter: the number of times haters hate, players play and heart-breakers break. Specifically, five.

And what about the solution of ‘shaking it off’?

At this point, that’s what I would call an testable hypothesis, but it wouldn’t be beyond reason to think that at some point in the future we might have the technology to actually measure the efficacy of shaking it off, which I’m presuming is masturbation.

However, despite the findings of MIT, a rival group of scientists at Princeton have posited that Kanye West was actually correct in his contention that Beyoncé and not Taylor Swift should have won the best video at the VMAs in 2009. ‘We’ve proved it with numbers,’ said the head of the research group. ‘MIT can go suck it.’

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DO AFRICANS KNOW IT’S CHRISTMAS?

LONDON – Do Africans actually know it’s Christmas? The Studio Exec investigates:

The idea that Africans don’t know when Christmastime is originates from the song written by Midge Ure for Band Aid thirty years ago and recently reissued to raise money for the Ebola crisis. Our Africa expert Dr. Chadden Berstill, however, contests the factual grounding of the Ultravox singer’s lyrics.

Chadden told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Africa is the second largest and second most populous continent in the world. It is made up of 52 recognised countries with a total population of over 1.1 billion people of whom 400 million are Christians. The idea that these Christians, or indeed the non-Christians who live in a world which is increasingly availing itself of technology and education, would somehow not know it was Christmas is stupid beyond belief.  Even in famine struck areas, or places where Ebola has claimed many lives, there is no evidence that the Gregorian calendar has ceased to exist and major religious festivities have been forgotten. The only African countries that do not use the Gregorian calendar as its civil calendar are Ethiopia and Eritrea.

A ha!

But even this calendar is a Coptic Christian calendar which still dates Christmas on the 7th of January.

That must be a mistake. Everyone knows Christmas is December 25th.

No. The Ethiopian date is actually based on the older Julian calendar and therefore can lay a claim to being more authentic.

Okay but the rest of the song is lyrically accurate, right?

No. The line ‘there won’t be any snow in Africa this Christmastime’ is inaccurate. There will be snow on Kilimanjaro, the Atlas mountains, high ground in Algeria and Morocco. The line ‘Nothing ever grows, no rain or river flows’ is arrant nonsense. Africa extends through the tropics, so there are plenty of places where it rains. And as for rivers the f*cking Congo flows for instance, oh, and the Nile.

Okay, but aren’t you being a little harsh. They are trying to help after all. And they changed some lyrics.

One of the most despicable lines: ‘Tonight thank God it’s them instead of you’ has thankfully gone, but one of the new lines about the Ebola epidemic gives the worst kind of scaremongering: ‘Where a kiss of love can kill you and there’s death in every tear’. Jesus Christ, close the borders! This makes Nineteenth Century missionaries look positively enlightened. I’m not doubting the good intentions of Harry Styles, Bob Geldof, Sinead O’Connor and Bono, but they’ve had thirty years to think about the negative impact of portraying Africa as one big homogeneous pit of misery and death. When I listen to this, I don’t think of the Africa I know with its color and variety. I think of Mordor.

Still Band Aid 30 is there if you want to buy it. Which is certainly better than doing nothing.