FINAL ACID JAZZ FAN DIES

PARIS – The last Acid jazz fan has died at the age of 68.

Acid Jazz was a weird thing. In the 80s and 90s you couldn’t seem to get past a bar without getting some on your clothes. Now it’s gone though. And with the passing of the last Acid Jazz fan, you can rest assured it will never come back.

Music critic Alf Parnard talked to the Studio Exec:

Acid Jazz was basically jazz played by white guys in straw hats. It was pretty awful but for some reason Steven Soderbergh kept using it in his soundtracks. I’d usually start naming famous musicians in this genre but either accidentally or on purpose, I seem to have forgotten them all.

Maurice Claverum was the last Acid Jazz fan and he died in his apartment last night after a dinner of poached eggs.

RIP Acid Jazz 1989-2018.

HARRY STYLES RELEASES DUNKIRK ALBUM

LONDON – Former One Direction singer Harry Styles will release a Dunkirk tribute album, featuring wartime classics.

Harry Styles won praise for his understated performance in Christopher Nolan’s new film Dunkirk. But now he has done one better, releasing an album of his favorite wartime classics. The album features thirteen songs handpicked by Styles all coming from the 1940s. Sitting on the Dock of the Bay, later covered by Otis Redding, was actually written during the evacuation of 400,000 British soldiers from the beaches of northern France.

A statement by the singer reads:

In preparing for my role in Dunkirk, I first did a lot of research into the period. And to get into the mood I’d listen to a lot of songs. Things like Vera Lynn and Glen Miller. But apart from these very famous artists, I also found lots of people I’d never heard of. The amazing Spanner Brother who sang their famous ‘How to fix an engine’ songs. Rotten Johnny, the ukulele player from Newcastle who inspired Johnny Lydon, with such beautiful ditties as ‘I need a shit (Desperately)’ and ‘I’ve a Tanner (Have you got a fag)’. I want this album to be my small tribute to that generation. And introduce some of this wonderful music to the youth.

Harry Styles Sings Songs Inspired by the Motion Picture Dunkirk is now available on iTunes and from all good record shops.

DONALD TRUMP RELEASES ALBUM

NEW YORK – President Elect Donald Trump has released an album of standards.

To celebrate his inauguration, incoming President Donald Trump releases an album of beautiful songs, telling stories of his travels. The press release states:

“In The Wee Small Hours” is a celebration of a man who ‘did it his way’, a man who has been ‘a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet, a pawn and a king’. President Elect Trump is asking you to ‘Come Fly with Him’ with twenty greats. From ‘I’ve got you (Under my thin skin)’ to ‘The Lady is a Nasty Tramp’, Trump gives his own spin to some of the American songbook’s greatest hits, including a duet with Ivanka Trump ‘Somethin’ Stupid’ and a dedication to his doctor ‘You Make Me Feel So Young’.

Donald Trump will be singing at his own inauguration.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

MICHAEL BUBLE GOES BACK IN HIS BOX

HOLLYWOOD – Canadian crooner Michael Bublé returns to his box signaling the end of the Christmas Season.

Today, Michael Bublé goes back in his box where he will stay until mid-November. The Christmas Crooner from Canada hibernates for ten months of every year, only emerging with a Christmas album after Halloween. He feeds chiefly on trimmings and inflates to an enormous globular form. Once asleep, his body survives by feeding off its own fat while Harry Connick Jr plays soothingly in the background piped into the box through special tubes.

Veteran Bublé watcher Hammer Martin told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

There have been concerns about global warming disrupting Michael’s sleep patterns. He needs to have a good ten months otherwise his yuletide charm doesn’t work.

However, Bublé himself insists that his new album will not be simply a compilation of Christmas Favorites.

Jingle All the Silent Night will be released November, 2017.

KAJAGOOGOO TURN DOWN TRUMP INAUGURATION

HOLLYWOOD – Eighties band Kajagoogoo have denied they will be playing President Elect Donald Trump’s inauguration, according to sources.

With their hits Too Shy and Hang on Now, Kajagoogoo ruled 1983 and part of 1984 like some very time specific version of the Beatles. Following Llimahl’s solo career and NeverEnding Story, the band broke up. However, a spokesperson for Donald Trump insisted that they were booked to play Donald Trump’s inauguration in January. A source close to the band however told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY that they wouldn’t be playing:

We got the phone call and we were really surprised. We said no, primarily because I’ve forgotten how to play guitar it was so long ago. The man on the other end didn’t seem too concerned. He said they were going to try Ultravox next.  He seemed to be going down a list. I don’t think we were close to the top.

Meanwhile, Ted Nugent has already booked his hotel room.

The inauguration will take place on 20 January 2017.

BLURRED LINES TO BECOME NATIONAL ANTHEM UNDER DONALD TRUMP

WASHINGTON – It has been announced that the Robin Thicke song ‘Blurred Lines’ will replace the Star-Spangled Banner as the national anthem should Donald Trump win the election.

The Star Spangled Banner has served as the National Anthem since 1931, though the song itself was popular from the early 19th Century. Donald Trump speaking in North Carolina confirmed that the song wouldbe replaced by Robin Thicke’s Blurred Lines, as ‘more fitting to the tone of my presidency’:

Have you heard Robin Thicke’s song? Very beautiful. It’s a beautiful song. “I know you want it (uh huh) But you’re a good girl! The way you grab me, Must wanna get nasty, Go ahead, get at me!” I have no time for political correctness. This is not politically correct. You know what I say? So what? Who wants to sing about a flag? Who cares? Am I right?

Donald Trump will win the election on November 8.

KENNY LOGGINS REACTS TO BOB DYLAN NOBEL PRIZE

HOLLYWOOD – Kenny Loggins has reacted to Bob Dylan’s winning of the Nobel Prize for Literature.

Famed American singer-songwriter Kenny Loggins today reacted to Bob Dylan winning the Nobel Prize for Literature:

I don’t get it. Did I fall asleep and miss something? I’m not doubting that Mr. Dylan had his fifteen minutes in the 60s, but there are others in the music industry who I believe are more deserving of the honor.

Really? Who?

I’m not going to start naming names but I would say how many songs has Dylan written for Caddyshack? There’s a question for one. And Top Gun for that matter? The Danger Zone was number one in Japan. Did you know that?

But Dylan is being recognized for his lyric writing.

Are you kidding me? Do you even know how hard it is to rhyme something with Please? Luckily I came up with Louise and knees, otherwise I would have been in deep shit. And as for social commentary, listen to this: [Singing]

I’ve been working so hard
I’m punching my card
Eight hours for what?
Oh, tell me what I got
I’ve got this feeling
That time’s just holding me down
I’ll hit the ceiling or else
I’ll tear up this town

That’s great, I just think that…

Now I gotta cut loose
Footloose, kick off the Sunday shoes
Please, Louise, pull me off of my knees
Jack, get back, come on before we crack
Lose your blues, everybody cut footloose!!!

Kenny Loggins new album Power Rangers will be released in January, 2017.

ADELE: ‘PEOPLE VIDEO MY CONCERTS GET HANDS CHOPPED OFF’

HOLLYWOOD – Pop star Adele has promised that she will chop off the hands of anyone who she finds videoing her concerts on their mobile devices.

Everyone knows that Rolling in the Deep singer Adele doesn’t like people videoing her concerts but now it seems she is willing to go a little further in discouraging her fans from ‘not being in the moment’. Issuing a press release earlier today, the pop diva had this to say:

I want people to enjoy my music. I want them to come to my concerts and actually be there. Be mindful of the now. And so I have hired a security firm from Mexico and if they catch you filming my performance at my concert then they will take the offending limb.

Although radical, hand amputation is nothing new in the world of pop. Rock journalist Hampton Basheer told the Studio Exec:

This is a swing back to the Eighties when video cameras first began to appear. Freddie Mercury was dead against it and so Queen had a bunch of men with machetes watching the crowd. I remember going backstage once and finding this pile of arms right next to the cocaine. It was most upsetting, but it worked. No one saw a Queen concert except via the official Queen films.

Adele will be touring throughout 2016.

LED ZEPPELIN ACCUSED OF STEALING LYRICS FROM STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN

HOLLYWOOD – Legendary British rock group Led Zeppelin have appeared in court accused of ripping off the lyrics to Stairway to Heaven.

Devon Banker Eddie Kean has claimed that Robert Plant, the lead vocalist of Led Zeppelin stole his lyrics after Plant heard Kean reciting a folk song that he had written called ‘The Fair Lady makes a Sensible Banking Decision’. The news comes the same day that another law suit was settled in the favor of Jimmy Page and Robert Plant.

The full text is given below.

There’s a lady who’s sure
All that glitters is gold
And she’s opening a savings account in Devon
When she gets there she knows
If the banks don’t foreclose
The interest rate will favor sound investment
Ooh ooh ooh ooh and she’s opening a saving’s account in Devon
There’s a sign on the wall
Asking no one to wear motorcycle helmets
In a tree by the brook
There’s a songbird who sings
But that has very little to do with financial security
Ooh, it makes me wonder
Ooh, 5% or under
There’s a feeling I get
When I look to the west
And my spirit is crying for a biscuit
In my thoughts I have seen
Rings of smoke through the trees
And two choccy biscuits and a cup of tea in which to dip them
Ooh, it makes me wonder
Ooh, it really makes me wonder
And it’s whispered that soon, If we all call the tune
I can claim the loan as tax deductible income

BUYING BEYONCE’S LEMONADE REDUCES RISK OF CANCER

NEW YORK – Scientists have discovered that purchasing a copy of Beyonce’s latest album, Lemonade, significantly reduces your risk of contracting cancer.

“We weren’t as shocked as you might think,” said Professor Blaine Rouse.

Just last year we proved conclusively that prolonged exposure to Katy Perry cures the common cold but unfortunately our research was ridiculed because it was entirely funded by Katy Perry’s record company. I would like to reiterate again that even when I was at Katy’s VIP parties drinking free cocktails and snorting blow off the backsides of strippers, I always managed to retain my professional impartiality.

Professor Blaine went on to say that Lemonade’s cancer-beating abilities are beyond doubt:

We played the album to 100 people and not one of them contracted cancer. This is a major breakthrough and we’ve just received major backing to continue our research.

Despite the good news, the Professor did offer a word of caution:

For some reason Lemonade’s healing properties only work if you listen to it on the Tidal app. If you download it from itunes it doesn’t have the same effect, in fact your risk of getting one of the real bad cancer’s increases. You know, like face cancer or the one that makes your piss turn green.

Lemonade is available now.

MADONNA AND BOB DYLAN TAKEN INTO PROTECTIVE CUSTODY

HOLLYWOOD – Pops legends Madonna and Bob Dylan have been taken into protective custody it was revealed today.

The two musical legends Madonna and Bob Dylan have been taken into protective custody in a secret medical facility, the White House said, following the death yesterday of Prince. A spokesperson for the White House told the Studio Exec:

We just can’t risk it. We picked them up last night and we took them to a secret location where they will have twenty-four hour care and monitoring. There are also recording studios attached and writing materials in case Mr. Dylan wants to continue that wonderful autobiography of his. We’re going to keep them until January, 2017 if necessary.

The move received bipartisan support with the exception coming from Ted Cruz who, speaking from 1956, said that ‘pop music was the work of the devil’.

More on this story as it comes in.

PRESIDENT OBAMA BANS COLDPLAY FROM THE US

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama today issued an Executive Order which bans the British ‘rock’ group Coldplay from all US territories.

In an unprecedented move, President Obama has formally banned the ‘music’ group Coldplay from the USA. In a statement the White House said:

President Barack Obama has looked with some concern on the rise of the British music guitar based pop group Coldplay for some time. Their dull noodlings have a stultifying effect on culture general and so with some regret the President has taken the step of issuing a ban denying visas and entrance to Chris Martin, Guy Berryman, Jonny Buckland and Will Champion and whoever will in the future be a member of the group to the country.

In an interview with the Studio Exec, President Obama said:

They’re just so awful. The last straw however was the halftime show at the Superbowl. It was bad enough that those glasses of milk had to drag Beyonce down with them. At that point I knew I had to do something. But it isn’t just music, scientists have concluded that the group contribute to global warming just by being so tedious.

Coldplay were unavailable for comment.

KANYE WEST CAPTURED IN IKEA

SWEDEN – Kanye West, hip hop artist, fashionista and future presidential candidate, has been captured in IKEA in Almhult, Sweden.

The capture of Kanye West comes after a month long attempt by Scandinavian authorities to capture the hip hop star and keep him away from the general public. The Swedish Foreign Secretary said:

Here in Sweden we are usually extremely tolerant, but Kanye West is what you Americans call I believe a ‘blowhard’. And we have become increasingly irritated with him. It started all the way back at the VMAs when he interrupted Taylor Swift. We love Taylor Swift. And Beck. Poor Beck.

So you captured him in an IKEA?

Yes, the plan was simple. Unbeknownst to most people the original IKEAs were designed during the Second World War as a defence against the invading armies. They were basically labyrinths with furniture. It didn’t take much to retrofit an IKEA into an impassable maze and then lure Kanye with praise and money. He really doesn’t have much apparently.

And now?

Once inside the IKEA it is almost impossible to get him out. I mean we can’t go in to get him because we would get lost, so he will stay in there for the rest of his life.

You’re fucking kidding!?

No, we’re not. He will survive because of the meatballs and the salmon that we left for him on little paper plates. He will live to a ripe old age, but he will never get out and never be able to release a record ever again. Unfortunately, he will still be able to tweet.

Kanye West will be appearing in the IKEA in Almhult for the rest of his life.

KANYE WEST REACHES OUT TO THE STUDIO EXEC

HOLLYWOOD – Kanye West has tweeted what many are interpreting as a cry for help directly to the Studio Exec Twitter account.

It’s been a tough week for Kanye West. Begging Tweets to Mark Zuckerberg, there’s talk about Son of Pablo being a bit m’eh, and finally not interrupting Taylor Swift at the Grammys, which now looks like a bad move given her passive aggressive motivational speech. So of course the Studio Exec has had some fun on his behalf as well, spreading joy in the world and making everyone happy and full of life-affirming joy.

But now Kanye has sent a tweet specifically calling the Exec out and pleading with us to peace up. Now, the Exec might be one of the most acerbic, satiric, hilarious, popular, hugely endowed, creative, imaginative, sexually athletic… I’ve lost my point. Anyway, Kanye, you called, we answered. We will hold off the satiric dogs until you get your house in order. On top of that, we’re also sending you a Postal Order for $37. I hope this helps.  If you don’t need to use it straight away, you can put it in your war chest for your presidential election campaign. We have coupons as well.

Another tweet from his account referenced a story we did some time ago.

kanye west

 

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.