SCIENCE CHANNEL COMMISSIONS THE CREATION

HOLLYWOOD – Following the unbelievable success of the History Channel’s The Bible, the Science Channel have announced the new six part docu-drama The Creation, which will seek ‘to redress the bias towards fact’ in previous documentaries about the origin of the Universe.

Dr. Chip Stadler of the Faith Based Science Institute (FABSI) said:

We have gathered together a team of the top scientists from all around the world – astrophysicists, evolutionary biologists and geologists – and we’ve locked them in a room so they won’t interfere with us as we read the Bible and speak in tongues.  

Dr. Chip argues that the Universe was created by Our benevolent Father, that human beings were created in the Garden of Eden, that women were rib derived and that Noah’s flood reshaped much of the Earth and left maritime ‘fossils’ on mountain tops.

The Earth and the Universe for that matter is only 10,000 years old and the advantage for us is that we only need a six episode show to explain this. If you believed the old communists in the official scientific community, you’d need a twelve part show. 

President Barack Obama – or someone who looks very like him – will be appearing in the role of cancer.  

The Creation will screen in the Fall.

UK POLICE ARREST THE 1970S

LONDON – The London ‘Metropolitan’ Police have taken the decade between December 31st, 1969 and December 31st, 1979 into custody on suspicion of a wide range of charges relating to sexual abuse, assault, underage sex and many cases of rape.

The arrest was made as part of an ongoing investigation called Operation Yew Tree, which began after revelations that children’s presenter and DJ Jimmy Saville had been accused of a series of crimes. A spokesman for the police said today:

The number of complaints that we were receiving, it had become apparent that would be easier to arrest the entirety of the 1970s and then from there try to snip off the bits that aren’t guilty of gross indecency.

The Policemen who arrested the 70s

The move was welcomed by victims groups who said that the move represented a move away from a police force that had a lot of sympathy for the 1970s and was moving into the new millennium. However, some legal experts are arguing that the arrest of an entire decade is a panic move which won’t hold up in court.
‘What has to be remembered is that the 1970s gave us a lot of good things,’ said Martin Hammersbag QC. ‘I can’t bring anything to mind now, but I’m sure if I googled it for a moment I’d come up with something.’

BEVERLY HILLS COP TV SERIES: WE HAVE THE CHAIRS

HOLLYWOOD – Today, the news has been coming about the new television version of Beverly Hills Cop took a step forward.

Two chairs arrived on set with the names of the actors who are playing Foley fils and Foley père written on the back so there are no mistakes and no one sits on the wrong chair by mistake.
Barry Sonnenfeld – who is on board to direct the pilot episode and has begun filming last Friday – said that the chairs would save time and money:

It’s really going to make things a lot easier. Brandon, if he wants to sit down will see the chair with Brandon T. Jackson and he’ll be able to sit there confident that no one is going to say to him, are you sitting in my chair?

Brandon T. Jackson commented:

We’re very excited about this development in the production. One thing I particularly love is I’m a real fan of the original and of course very happy to work with Mr. Murphy and if you see the chairs are actually quite close together. I won’t say I’m going to put a hand on his arm while I’m making a point or asking his advice, but I probably will.

Eddie Murphy – who Forbes recently reported was the highest paid film star who makes the steamiest shittiest pile of shit movies of shit – said: ‘I’m not sitting it that chair. Not ever, not once. Get that Goddam thing out of my sight.’

HBO AND NETFLIX JOIN FORCES FOR NEW FANTASY POLITICS DRAMA: GAME OF CARDS

NEW YORK – David Fincher and George R.R. Martin have announced that they are to collaborate with Netflix and HBO on a new political fantasy drama provisionally entitled Game of Cards.

The plot details are sketchy but the notion seems to be that following the wars the new President Stark (Sean Bean) and his political underlings are shifting for position in Westeros, D.C. An ambitious young dragon handling scribe (one of the Maras) teams up with the Hand of the President, Frank Underhill (Kevin Spacey) to connive and plot in a deliciously articulate way for incomprehensible ends.

David Fincher speaking about the project said:
We’re really excited. Fantasy has been dormant for years and many people said you can’t sell a political drama, now literally thousands of people are saying you can’t sell a political drama set in a fantasy world. Well I have two words for those assholes, Kevin Spacey. 

Mr. Spacey said he looked forward to the challenge:

Frank is a devious character who is able to get his own way manipulating people with his ability to use language and speak cleverly and wittily. I wanted to do it because it’s like nothing I’ve ever done before. It’s a real stretch. I’m exploring new territories. Oh wait. No, I’m not. Ha ha ha ha ha!  

George RRRRR Martin said that initially the plan had been to make a straight political drama called House of Thrones but ‘we decided I have a beard and so fantasy it is.’ Many are asking will women take their clothes off and give exposition whilst being taken from the rear. Fincher laughs, ‘Of course! If it’s artistically justi… Anyway, yes.’

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WHO WILL REPLACE JAY LENO?

NBC has announced it will not be renewing gerbil faced former comedian Jay Leno’s Tonight Show contract when it expires in summer 2014.

The Internet is already buzzing with speculation as to who will replace Jay with some media outlets suggesting that imbecile for hire Jimmy Fallon has already secured the gig; but the Studio Exec has received an e-mail from an anonymous source at NBC claiming that Fallon is by no means the first choice and there are a number of other potential candidates for the coveted job.
 
Here are just some of the names on that highly confidential list:

Conan

 
English might not be his first, or even his fourth language but Conan would make up in gravitas and sheer physical presence what he lacks in delivery. Also, Hollywood stars tend to be more open and amiable guests when threatened with the possibility of decapitation.




George W. Bush
 
The Ex president has been making millions on the public speaking circuit but would relish the opportunity to return to a position of power. His witty monologues about how he plunged America into the biggest financial crisis in history and how he conspired with Saudi Oil Barons to plot the destruction of the world trade centre are bound to delight audiences. Make Dick Cheney band leader and you’ve got instant TV gold.
 
 
Jason Sudeikis
 
It makes sense to replace an unfunny, ageing white male mysteriously beloved by millions of American twinkie sucking couch potatoes with an unfunny, slightly younger white male mysteriously beloved by millions of American twinkie sucking couch potatoes. Sudeikis easily fits the template but Bill Hader, Charlie Day or indeed, Jimmy Fallon would also suffice.



Mel Gibson
 
A controversial choice but Mel would not be afraid to ask the difficult questions such as “ Steven Spielberg, why did you kill Christ?”, “Woody Allen, why did you exaggerate the  Holocaust?” and Joe Eszterhas “ Why the f*ck did you send me this S*tty f*cking script you no good Hungarian C*nt!”



Best of the rest:

Demi Moore
Lance Armstrong
Robert Mugabe
Charles Manson
A bottle nosed dolphin
A Philadelphia cheese steak
A pile of used tissues

SETH MCFARLANE HIRED TO BE FIRED AND REPLACED WITH BILLY CRYSTAL

HOLLYWOOD – Seth McFarlane creator of Family Guy and The Cleveland Show has been hired by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts for the traditional role of prospective MC who will within a matter of weeks be fired and replaced by Billy Crystal.

The tradition was inaugurated last year when Eddie Murphy was hired to host a show directed by the creative genius and homophobe Brett Ratner. When Mr Ratner’s homophobia proved too edgy for the Academy he was fired. Stalwart Academy favourite Billy Crystal took over, even though Mr Crystal allegedly bought Mr Ratner 1001 Nancy Boys Jibes and Ellen Degeneres Jokes Book as a congratulations present.

James Franco has also claimed that Billy Crystal forced him to blaze up a doobie that was ‘way more powerful to what I’m used to’, thus sabotaging his own turn as host in 2011. His co-host Anne Hathaway offered no such excuse, apparently having ballsed up without any help from the City Slickers star.

When asked why he was so intent on hosting the Oscars, a ceremony he has hosted 9 times already, Billy Crystal laughed until little flecks of spit flew out of his mouth. ‘That’s easy, asshole,’ he said pointing a finger into Studio Exec’s face. ‘It’s the only place I can go where I’m sure of not bumping into Woody Allen.’

Woody Allen and Billy Crystal have been arch enemies since the 1970s, who frequently brawl in public with the diminutive clarinettist usually emerging as the victor.