TV News Archives -

KEVIN SORBO HAS FRIENDS CLAIMS KEVIN SORBO

‘Kevin Sorbo has friends’, according to a new statement released by the actor in the aftermath of his admitting he shouted ‘Bullshit’ in a Starbucks when asked to wear a mask. It is not known if he was asked to put on the mask due to Covid19 or to hide the fact that Sorbo was using their Starbucks. Sorbo, star of blockbusters such as Piranha Sharks, Bernie The Dolphin and Bernie The Dolphin 2 advised why he felt the need to explain that ‘Kevin Sorbo has friends’ in the following statement:

Kevin Sorbo Has Friends And Everything

I, Kevin Sorbo, wish to state that I was not acting alone when I screamed ‘Bullshit’ at being asked to wear a mask. I had been standing in the queue talking with my friends, who were totally there and everything. The staff kept pointing at me and giggling. It was humiliating, but I remained calm and reasonable.

I AM Hercules

When I gave my order of a small Soy Latte Decaf with extra Sweet’N’Low, after the guy stopped giggling behind his mask they asked for my name. I did my usual and said at the top of my voice, ‘I am TV’s Hercules, young man.’ I waited for the applause, but there wasn’t any.

Piece Of Shit

You know what this little piece of shit behind the counter said to me? He said, ‘You WERE TV’s Hercules, man. What’s your actual name, y’know, for your little latte?’ And then he turns around to all the other douchebags behind the counter and they’re all laughing with him.

Little Bastard

So my friend, who was still totally with me, um… urr… umm… DAVE! Yeah, his name is Dave, you don’t know him. Dave said to me, ‘Are you going to take that, man?’ I tell Dave to calm down. It’s an explosive situation that could go south at any time and we need to keep our cool. These god damned pinko liberal strong arm bullies think they have us. So you know what I do? I take my mask off. I start shouting, ‘USA, USA, USA, USA. Come on, everyone… .’ They’d never heard a white middle-aged man shout that before, I bet.

Put Your Mask On

So then the little prick asks me to put my mask back on because it’s ‘policy’. Well, I’d just about had enough, so I shout. And remember, I wasn’t on my own and I totally have many, many friends and their name is Dave. I shout, ‘This is BULLSHIT’. And me and Dave walk out of there high fiving each other, because he was totally there and because I totally have friends. How many friends do you have?

DONALD TRUMP’S CONCESSION SPEECH LEAKED

Washington – A transcript of Donald Trump conceding the election to Joe Biden has been leaked to The Studio Exec by an anonymous source:

My fellow Americans,

I believe the children are our are future

Teach them well and let them lead the way

Show them all the beauty they possess inside

Give them a sense of pride to make it easier

Let the children’s laughter remind us how we used to be

Everybodys searching for a hero

People need someone to look up to

I never found anyone who fulfil my needs

A lonely place to be

And so I learned to depend on me

I decided long ago

Never to walk in anyone’s shadows

If I fail, if I succeed

At least I’ll live as I believe

No matter what they take from me

They can’t take away my dignity

Because the greatest

Love of all is happening to me

I found the greatest

Love of all inside of me

The greatest love of all

Is easy to achieve

Learning to love yourself

It is the greatest love of all

Thank you.

NICK OFFERMAN DAMAGES EYES ON ALEX GARLAND’S DEVS

HOLLYWOOD – Nick Offerman has damaged his eyes on Alex Garland’s Devs.

Alex Garland’s new mind bending sci-fi TV series, Devs marks a more dramatic departure for Nick Offerman, who found fame as Ron Swanson, the loveable libertarian in Parks And Rec.

Nick Offerman plays Genius-Entrepreneur-Station-Wagon-Driving-Grieving-Insane-Tech-Giant, Forest, who spends most of Devs staring intensely at large screens from a short distance away. As our parents warned us, this damages your eyes.

‘The demands on my eyes during the shoot were insane’, said the actor. ‘Alex (Garland) demanded I start staring in my trailer while they were setting up the shot. By the time cameras started to roll, my eyeballs were ready to drop out of my head. But Alex didn’t care, he just kept shouting at me not to blink and sound as serious as I could. It was terrifying. I go to sleep and have nightmares about staring, which is horrible, because that’s only time I can close my eyes.’

‘My corneas have basically dried completely up. They have the same texture as a Cat’s tongue. They scratch the inside of my eyelids when I close my eyes. It’s like permanently looking through frosted glass. I now view life through a bathroom window. I wouldn’t have minded but I didn’t understand what I was doing or saying most of the time I was on set. It was all jibber-jabber to me. I just put my serious voice on and stared as hard as I could. I’m told it looks pretty awesome. So I guess that’s something.’

Alex Garland’s representatives have advised they have no comment to make on behalf of Mr Garland.

Devs is available on the BBC iPlayer in the UK.

GAME OF THRONES SEASON 8 TO CONTAIN A LOT MORE BEER

HOLLYWOOD – HBO today revealed that Game of Thrones Season 8 will contain a substantial increase in beer, but with the same calories.

Game of Thrones Season 8 is only a few short months away but already details are beginning to emerge. A spokesperson close to HBO told the Studio Exec:

There’s going to be a lot more beer. Specifically, Bud Light. And by a lot I mean, it’s not just in the background or being drunk during feast seasons, I mean whole scenes are taken up with discussions about the merits of beer. There’s a character and everything.

You mean like in the Superbowl ad?

Yes, that’s the guy. He’s actually a character.

Fuck!

I know. And we have bits where we see Jon Snow drinking a Heineken and everyone shouts ‘You know nothing Jon Snow’ and shame him into changing to Bud the King of (the North) Beers.

Jesus Christ. Why?

Money. Game of Thrones is incredibly expensive to make and a lot of the money doesn’t come back to HBO because of piracy primarily. So they decided to be more inventive and use product placement to help raise the budget to make the show. These are long episodes as well.

Are there any other products?

One of the characters uses a magic tablet that has a visible Apple icon on it. And everyone eats pop tarts. That gets quite distracting.

Game of Thrones returns April 14th.

‘NOT SPARKING JOY’ NOW A LEGITIMATE GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE

HOLLYWOOD – The state of California has been inspired by Marie Kondo’s tidying philosophy to include ‘not sparking joy’ as a legitimate grounds for divorce.

Marie Kondo’s Netflix show – Tidying Up with Marie Kondo – has inspired a change in California divorce law. From now on, if your partner does not make you feel ‘sparking with joy’, then you have sufficient grounds to seek a divorce.

Divorce lawyer Albert Shebang told the Studio Exec:

In some ways this is just codifying something that already exists. Throughout history divorce has become something easier to obtain without necessarily having to prove wrong-doing, adultery or cruelty. Now it will be simple enough to start proceedings and in the meantime you can practice folding t-shirts and the like into those wonderful little roles. Also as part of Marie Kondo’s influence, we’ll be asking divorcees to thank each other before legally separating. This is actually proving more controversial.

A sudden spike in the divorce rate is anticipated as surveys show that about 83% of couples asked stated categorically that their spouses did not spark joy.

Divorcing with Marie Kondo drops on Netflix in the Spring.

WALKING DEAD ACTUALLY DIED FIVE YEARS AGO

HOLLYWOOD – The AMC series The Walking Dead actually died five years ago, it was revealed today.

Sources close to the hit AMC zombie series The Walking Dead today revealed that the series died 5 years ago but has continued to be made. One producers who preferred not to be named told The Studio Exec that:

The show died in 2013. It was quick and painless. It died in its sleep. But we don’t know what happened. We were preparing the obituaries and it showed up for work. So we just got on with it. There’s a real stink around while we’re filming. It only speaks with this inarticulate grunts. And after the end of every season we have to feed it a bucket full of fresh human brains, so it’s tough. Luckily, I worked for The Big Bang Theory for years, so I’m used to the conditions.

The new ninth season is due to kill Andrew Lincoln’s character Rick Grimes, but everyone understands that he will be then condemned to shuffle along in a cloud of flies at the back of the caravan. The show is based on Robert Kirkman’s graphic novels and has posthumously won many awards.

Walking Dead Season 9 will continue on AMC.

TALES OF THE GOLDEN MONKEY REVIVED BY NETFLIX

HOLLYWOOD – Netflix revive 80s TV classic Tales of the Golden Monkey.

Cutter’s Goose flies again as classic TV show Tales of the Golden Monkey looks set to get the Netflix treatment. The Raiders of the Lost Ark inspired show featured Stephen Collins as Jake Cutter, an ace pilot who operates an air cargo delivery service based on the fictional South Seas island Bora Gora. He flies a red and white Grumman Goose called Cutter’s Goose. The new show will star Clive Owen as Jake and Jack Black as his best friend and mechanic Corky, ‘a good-hearted alcoholic with a memory hazy from heavy drinking’. His one-eyed dog Jack barks at appropriately comic moments.

Amy Adams is already on board to play US spy and heart throb Sarah Stickney White with Jeremy Irons playing Reverend Willie Tenboom, a phony man of the cloth who is actually a native spy. We spoke to Adam McKay, the showrunner of the series.

Affectionate Toadying

I’ve always loved the show since I was a kid growing up the 1980s. It was a great concept and had a lot of comedic and dramatic potential. It only ran for one season and it has to be one of the biggest disappointments of my life when it was cancelled. But the good news is that we have this framework all ready to go and a wealth of stories and directions to go in. I mean there are lots of things to love about it. There’s the adventure. And there’s the romance. Obviously the alcoholic pal is hilarious and did we mention Jack the dog has an eye patch? Add to that there’s the word ‘monkey’ in the title. How could this go wrong?

The new show is only the first in a series of Netflix shows that are remaking ever more obscure TV from the 80s. Benedict Cumberbatch is already in preproduction for his Blake’s 7 series starring Tom Hardy. Though initially planned as a movie, ten episodes will now be made.

Tales of the Golden Monkey drops in 2019.

DEADWOOD MOVIE GETS GO AHEAD

HOLLYWOOD – It’s the news Deadwood fans have been waiting for: Deadwood: the Motion Picture is going to happen.

The cult HBO Western Deadwood about the inhabitants of the eponymous frontier town first aired in 2004 and set new standards for swearing on television. Cancelled due to a combination that people only watched it on DVD and the expenses of building a town, news of a movie has been tantalizingly spare, and many had given up hope.

Timothy Olyphant (star of Justified) said no way; David Milch, the show’s creator, said nix nix, Ian McShane who played the unquotable Al Swearengen said you’ve got to f*cking be kidding me.

All in fact, except the Studio Exec who yesterday managed to get Richard Plepler the current CEO of HBO in a headlock. It was an intimate function and security backed off imagining that I was performing the Heimlich maneuver. ‘What’s this about?’ gasped Richard. ‘What the…?’ I told him I was a desperate man. I had to know what happened.

You can’t just leave me hanging like that. Years! Nothing resolved. It’d be like Schubert not finishing a symphony or something.

There was a lot of spluttering, some sobbing and lots of pleading, but finally I let him go.

‘You mad bastard,’ he said. He was quite literally spitting blood. ‘I’ll see what I can do.’

Deadwood: The Motion Picture will begin filming once I send Richard the location of his favorite dog.

FIRST IMAGE OF OLIVIA COLEMAN AS THE QUEEN ‘STUNNINGLY REALISTIC’

HOLLYWOOD – First image of Olivia Coleman in the role of Queen Elizabeth II has hit the internet and the resemblance is spooky.

Season Three of The Crown sees Olivia Coleman take over from Claire Foy in the depiction of Queen Elizabeth II. The first image to hit the nets is scarily similar. Olivia Coleman said that the chance to play Europe’s oldest reigning monarch was a great honor.

As a British actor, I’ve been watching Queen Elizabeth all my life so you could say I’ve been preparing for the role all my life. That said you never feel properly ready to play someone so important. All I can do is reach inside of me and find the truth there. Hopefully. As for whether the Queen herself will approve… I’m not even sure she watches.

The image shows Olivia on a horse in military uniform, inspecting the trooping of the color, an old tradition that takes place in England in July just before the annual poor people cull.

I’ve never sat on a horse before, but the director was very kind. He had one frozen in liquid oxygen. That way I could sit on it without it moving and it was the right height.

The Netflix series features music from Hans Zimmer and is written by Peter Morgan.

Netflix will release The Crown Season 3 when they want to and not before.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON TO REPLACE JEFFREY TAMBOR IN TRANSPARENT

HOLLYWOOD – Scarlett Johansson will replace Jeffrey Tambor in the new season of Transparent.

Versatile chameleon-like actress Scarlett Johansson is to play Maura Pfefferman, the role originated by Jeffrey Tambor in the next season of Transparent. Johansson popped in to the Studio Exec bungalow yesterday to talk about the new challenge:

I’ve done Asian. I’m now doing Trans. So what? You got a problem Exec, take it up with Emma fucking Stone.

Whoa! Hold your horses, Black Widow!

Yeah. And when I do the Black Widow movie, you know what we’re going to discover?

Black Widow’s actually black?

Damned right. How did you know?

A guess. So Transparent…

Yeah, I loved the series and Jeffrey’s work. But then the unfortunate accusations happened and he had to go away. Christopher Plummer is busy shooting Roseanne so I decided to step in. I’m already making a trans movie with Rub & Tug, so I reckon I’m as qualified as anyone else to play the part.

What about asking a trans actor to play the role?

Yeah, and we should get Abraham Lincoln to play Abraham Lincoln. Pur-lease!

Transparent is out in the Fall.

WESTWORLD SEASON 3 WILL INCLUDE DINOSAURS

HOLLYWOOD – Westworld Season 3 to feature dinosaurs.

Westworld Season 2 is over, but season 3 is already in production and Jonathan Nolan and Lisa Joy popped into the Studio Exec bungalow to spill the beans.

JN: So far we’ve seen Westworld and Shogun World, but we know there are other parks.

LJ: We also saw the Raj.

JN: Oh, yeah I always forget about that one.

So what does the next season have in store?

LJ: So the next season we want to greatly expand. The idea is that the Hosts escape the island. But they find themselves on another island. An island where dinosaurs have been brought back from extinction.

JN: People were so busy asking if they could do it, no one bothered to ask if they should do it.

LJ: So Jurassic World…

But there’s already a film called Jurassic World.

JN: There is?

Two.

LJ: It doesn’t matter. It’s not like a world anyway. It’s more like a park.

JN: Yeah, a wildlife park. So we can call it Jurassic Park.

But there’s…

JN: WHAT?

Sorry.

JN: Already a film?

Three.

LJ: It doesn’t matter. It has nothing to do with what we’re doing. No one will ever connect the two.

They’re both based on properties written by Michael Crichton.

LJ: Fuck you Exec!

JN: You shitty little cockwomble.

Westworld Season 3 will be on HBO in 2019.

GAME OF THRONES PREQUEL WILL SHOW GEORGE RR MARTIN STEALING JRR TOLKIEN’S INITIALS

WESTEROS – Details of the new Game of Thrones prequel have emerged.

George RR Martin and Jane Goldman have revealed one of the main story-lines for the Games of Thrones prequel. Martin came into the Studio Exec bungalow this morning to drink some mead.

So the idea is we’re going right back to the beginning to the late thirties, England. JRR Tolkien is sitting in his study napping when … what’s this? … a svelt looking George Martin sneaks into the Oxford don’s office and steals his initials.

His initials?

And his notes.

Wow!

I know. Then we return to Middle Westeros thousands of years before the beginning of the original series and we see the creation of that world. We find out about the dragons and the Hobbits and the …

Hobbits?

Okay maybe not Hobbits. People say I steal from Tolkien but that’s just not true. Sure, we’ve all been inspired by him, but I would never try and just rip something off. I don’t have Orcs, I don’t have Ents. I don’t have a magic ring. So it’s totally different.

George RR Martin’s The Millmarillion will show on HBO.

MELISSA MCCARTHY SIGNS ON FOR ROSEANNE

HOLLYWOOD – Melissa McCarthy is to take over as Roseanne Connor following the firing of Roseanne Barr.

Season two of the groundbreaking sitcom Roseanne will star Melissa McCarthy in the role of the Roseanne Connor, the working mother who keeps her blue collar family together with her sharp witty tongue.John Goodman is on board to play her husband Dan.

McCarthy had this to say about the project:

I’ve always been a huge fan of Roseanne Barr. For me she was a hero and a role model. She broke a lot of ground as a comedian for women and when ABC came to me with the idea I thought it sounded amazing. I agreed straight away.

How will your approach differ?

I’m not going to take Ambien. That’s for starters. I think my version is going to be less angry and bitter. She’s going to spend less time on Twitter and more time investigating paranormal activity. In order to lighten the mood a little, I’ve also introduced a concept I’d like to call ‘Ghostbusting’.

Ghostbusting?

Having lost her job, Dan and I start up a new business where they investigate and capture paranormal activity and amusing CGI apparitions.

That sounds…

Absolutely amazing. I know, right?