WOODY ALLEN SIGNS ON FOR NEW BATMAN

NEW YORK – With the dust finally settling on what looks like one of the most successful trilogies both critically and commercially since Toy Story, and Christopher Nolan swearing that he will not be return to helm another outing for the man in the bat suit, Warner Bros. have already decided on a new director to take on the franchise in a fresh reboot tentatively titled The Amazing Batman: Woody Allen. 

Gotham’s most famous humorist and diminutive bespectacled comedian Woody Allen has signed on to direct two instalments.

‘I wanted to do something new and I was getting heartily sick of Europe,’ the Annie Hall director confessed.  ‘I’ve had the  Batman script in the drawer for years and this will be my opportunity to dust it off.’

Attracted principally by what Allen calls ‘the deep psychological neuroses of the character’, the prolific writer / director waved off concerns that he was unused to dealing with action. ‘I can do all that,’ Allen smirked. ‘Oh there’ll be action all right.’

The studio had originally offered famed Austrian director Michael Haneke the job, but he turned it down saying he wanted to work on darker material. Although at first glance, Woody might not seem the first name that would come to mind, he makes films cheaply and quickly and knows the neighbourhood. Studio Exec can exclusively reveal that Allen will himself appear in the film as The Riddler. Although Batman himself is yet to be cast, Allen hinted that he had a few names in mind – Roberto Benigni, Alan Alda and Scarlet Johansson have all been mentioned – but as yet nothing is decided. 

Batman Gotham Barcelona will be released in 2017.

PROMETHEUS DELETED SCENE REPAIRS ALL

HOLLYWOOD – It has been revealed that a seven minute deleted scene which will be restored to the Director’s Cut Extended Special 2 Disc Edition Blu-Ray, to be released in October will address many of the perceived failings of Ridley Scott’s much anticipated return to the Alien franchise.

The scene which is reported to come at the end of the film involves Noomi Rapace as Elisabeth Shaw waking up from hyper sleep to find the whole film has been a dream and the mission has yet to begin.

She describes to David (Michael Fassbender) the events of the film/dream, as he – unbelievingly – comments, ‘But that doesn’t make sense. Why would we take our helmets off?’

Ridley Scott – who has placed the blame for what he called ‘a fiasco of a film’ at the door of screenwriter Damon Lindeloff – says the scene was filmed prior to the theatrical release but had been edited out because he had deemed it ‘lame’.

‘In retrospect,’ the GI Jane director muttered, ‘It made a lot more sense than the actual film.’

Many fans have anticipated what is already being dubbed the Dallas solution, a reference to the return of apparently dead Bobby Ewing when his absence proved too much for the series. Some have also contested the chronology of the filming.

‘David’s dialogue actually quotes several of the more negative reviews,’ says Zooey Lodereck, writer for allpissedoff.com, who has seen a sneak preview of the material. ‘And his hair is all wrong. And both actors appear to be laughing.’

After all is said and done, Prometheus did make troughs of money and so the question is how will this scene effect the development of the sequel?

ORLANDO BLOOM: 2012 BEST YEAR YET

LONDON – Orlando Bloom has had his best year yet as an actor, he declared yesterday. Bloom has been celebrating 2012 as the year in which he has made no bad films; not one.

‘It’s something I’ve been struggling hard to achieve,’ Bloomers said. ‘I was almost there last year but then I made The Three Musketeers and that was that.’
 
Throughout the noughties Bloom (or Orlando Blando as he prefers to be known) made a series of films that defined irritatingly stupid wastes of money from the interminable Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, which manage to render a joyride joyless, to the endless Lord of the Rings trilogy, culminating in the God awful crusade it-was-so-long-it-could-easily-have-been-a-trilogy Kingdom of Heaven
 
The problem with Blando was ‘the more films I made, the more apparent it became that I wasn’t a great actor.’ As Legolas the Elf, Bloom was convincingly unemotional, looked effete, had cat like grace and fired arrows, but when called on to play human beings as in Elizabethtown Bloomingdales consistently failed. 
 
‘Then I realised the secret, if I DIDN’T appear in films, not just not act – I’d been doing that from the get go – but not even turn up, not even make films, then my reputation would … well, no it’s too late for that, but still the world is a better place. Not a single bad Orlando Bloom performance in 2012.’ 

DJANGO UNCHAINED NOT A JAZZ GUITAR BIOPIC, TARANTINO CLAIMS

HOLLYWOOD – Quentin Tarantino has reacted with fury at the suggestion that his new film Django Unchained is in fact a biopic of legendary jazz guitarist Django Reinhardt (pictured).

‘It’s a fucking Western,’ the Reservoir Dogs director spluttered, before backing up his ludicrous claim with some motor-mouthed guff about Spaghetti Westerns and Franco Nero. ‘I mean look at the trailer. It’s ludicrous.’

However, Tarantino did admit that confusion had leaked into the production when Jamie Foxx – in preparing for the title role of Django – took a six month course in jazz guitar. ‘I felt so bad about Jamie taking such pains that we did film some sequences of Jamie playing the guitar but I knew that was all going to be cut out,’ Tarantino explains. ‘Oh, wait a minute, maybe that’s where the rumour came from.’


Kilgore Truckstop – the secretary of the Django Reinhardt Appreciation Society – reacted with excitement at the prospect of a biopic dedicated to the life and work of jazz guitar’s most famous proponent. ‘We’re going to organise coach parties, or a coach party,’ Trout said. ‘Or maybe I’ll just give them all a lift. I’ve got an SUV.’


Meanwhile, there is talk of a follow up Thelonius Monk Off the Hook; the script for which Tarantino has reportedly already completed.

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY WILL CLOSE MOUTH NEXT YEAR

 LONDON Keira Knightley revealed yesterday that she suffers from Twinnings Disease, a rare condition in which the sufferer cannot close his or her mouth completely.

It is a condition she has had since childhood. The Pirates of the Caribbean star spoke of her pain to Studio Exec: ‘I always look like I’m blowing on tea to cool it,’ the Domino whined, before adding with a girlish laugh, ‘or porridge or broth.’

Ms. Knightley has been trying to close her mouth for some time and indeed it was her effort to do so that led to the bizarre jaw jutting performance of A Dangerous Method, during the filming of which Michael Fassbender almost lost an eye.

‘The problem is people look at Keira and they think they see a girl who has everything,’ comments Keira Knightley Fan Club president Markie DeSad. ‘But what she wouldn’t give just to have her lips meet all the way round.’

However, hope is on the way. A new radical technique in cosmetic surgery known simply as the Clamp will perhaps be the answer to the Bend it Like Beckham starlet’s nightmare. A charity concert of under-acting is to be organised by fellow Thespians Orlando Bloom, Jude Law and Kate Winslett, and tickets are to be sold or given away at the last minute to avoid embarrassment. The concert will, the organisers say, raise awareness of Twinnings Disease, ‘and anyway Tuesdays are usually slow.’

Ms. Knightley is due to undergo the procedure early next year which alas was too late for her  performance in The Imitation Game.


JAWS BLU-RAY HUGE DISAPPOINTMENT, SAYS LUCAS

HOLLYWOOD – George Lucas came out today in a scathing attack on his ex-friend Steven Spielberg on the occasion of the release of Jaws on blu-ray. 

‘I gave Steven notes on this and he ignored them all,’ said the genius behind The Phantom Menace and Howard the Duck. ‘This was an opportunity to improve a film with all sorts of CGI brilliance and gee-gaws, but I’m afraid my friend Steven is definitely a talent on the wane.’

According to our source, the Lucas – Spielberg relationship never really recovered from arguments about casting Raiders of the Lost Ark. Famously, Lucas would have preferred Tom Selleck in the role of the whip-cracking archaeologist and when the opportunity to create the blu-ray of the Indiana Jones series, even suggested CGI-ing Selleck’s face onto Harrison Ford’s body. A mutual friend told Studio Exec, ‘It’s been years now that whenever George speaks, Steven just smiles and nods, smiles and nods.’

Some of George’s Jaws Suggestions.  

CGI the goddam shark, Stevie. CGI the hell out of that asshole. Then you can add it to all the scenes, from the very beginning. And because it’s CGI and you don’t need to worry about gravity and what not, you can make it like leap out of the water and fly around like I did with R2D2.

With more shark footage you can skip all those dialogue scenes, which you yourself thought of as filler I recall. Ditch the Indianapolis speech for example. It goes on and on and who cares? It was olden day stuff anyway.  

Everyone loves the Johnny Williams score but why not spruce it up. Add some lyrics. ‘Ja–aws, Ja–aws, the shark is coming with his great big Ja-aws.’ I’m spitballing here but you know what I mean.

Instead of Hooper, why not a character to give a bit more ethnic color? Pedro the Mexican oceanographer, gets into scrapes, lots of fun. Like JarJar. ‘Chief, I don wanna get een the caaaaage!’

Finally Robert Shaw’s performance is the weakest part of the film. Frankly embarrassing nd very difficult to understand. Why don’t we overdub him with Morgan Freeman’s voice? And while we’re ADRing, we can add some explanatory dialogue. The first victim can say something like ‘Argghhh I am being eaten by a shark. Not good.’ Or Chief Brody can say at the end ‘Oh I know, I’ll fire at the air cannisters and that’ll blow him up.’   

 

JAMES FRANCO IN CONVERSATION














Mr Franco, or may I call you Jim?

Yeah man, yeah whatever.

Fine. Jim, your new film Oz: The Great and Powerful is due for release next year. Can you tell me the story of how you got involved in the project?

Nah Man. I’d rather talk about the album I’m working on. It’s all about the music.

Oh ok. I didn’t know you were working on an album.


Yeah Man I’ve got this song called ‘Lard Finger’. It’s jazz baby. For the ages.

I see. Tell me about about the song


Yeah man sure. Well you see I was making some pie cases and as I was mixing the pastry and stuff, when I noticed a big blob of lard had stuck to my finger.

Amazing…which finger was it if you don’t mind be asking?


Well it was this finger…the one with the lard on it.

I see…so you still have the lard on the finger?.


Yeah man, I didn’t want to wash it off, I thought it might be unlucky or something.

I understand. So how long has the blob of lard been attached to your finger?


About 2 months. No, 2 and a half months. Do you mind if I smoke?

No, not at all. So how did the Lard inspire you to create the song?


James has problems holding the cigarette due to the lard on the finger


Ah shit man. 


Might I suggest you use your left hand.


Yeah Yeah, good idea.

So the inspiration?


Well I was looking at this lard on my finger and I started thinking to myself, what could I do with a finger of lard? Then in a flash, these lyrics came to me and I just had to write them down.

So you wrote all the lyrics down there and then?

Well no, I wanted to write them down but it’s a bit hard to hold a pen, what with the lard on my finger and all. so I phoned Greasy Bill from the band and he came over and wrote them for me.

Mind blowing stuff. Can you give us a taste of the lyrics?


Yeah sure I’ve got them in my pocket. You read them.

I’ve got Lard on my finger                

I don’t mind if she’s a Ginger        
If she lets me stick it in her. 


I’ve got lard on my finger
With my finger I’ll syringe her
Lard, Lard,Lard, Lard

Oh Sweet Lard

Yeah man. Well read.


Thanks. So you’re obviously not afraid to be sexually provocative?


No man..I believe in freedom of expression. There are no boundaries only walls.

Indeed. Can we expect a similar theme from the rest of the album tracks?


Some are like the single, but other ones are a bit political, protest songs you know? Like something Dylan or Sting might write.

Can you give us a few examples?


Yeah…there’s er, ‘Dropped my doughnut’, ‘Microwave bacon’, ‘Cheese & onion pasty’ and ‘Scotland is full of Monkeys’…that’s the political song.

Interesting, what’s the concept behind ‘Scotland is full of Monkeys’? 


Well l had this dream Scotland had been taken over by these Monkeys, they had like houses made of bananas and stuff and in this dream I was a Roman soldier on Hadrians Wall..and they were trying to get over the wall and take over England but I was fighting them off with a machine gun. It was a weird dream man.

And in what way is it political. Can you sing us a few lines?


Yeah..no problem.

James coughs and splutters.


I don’t normally do acapella so this might be a bit rusty.


No problem


Here come the monkeys
with their haggis and their heather
Here come the monkeys so lets
fight and stand together.
Here come the monkeys
in their tartan and their skirts.
Here come the monkeys
Let me shoot the monkey first


It sounds better with with instruments and stuff but you get the idea


I think I do…it’s about immigration right?


No man….it’s about saving the environment.

Saving the environment from Scottish Monkeys?


Yeah…see..you got it.

It seems I have. Well we are out time for today. Jim, it’s been a pleasure.


Yeah man cool, I enjoyed it. Put it there.

We shake hands.


Aw damn man. I forgot about the lard.


No problem, I’ll wash it off later.

SACHA BARON COHEN SAYS HE IS NOT MITT ROMNEY


















LONDON – Sacha Baron Cohen has come out today and explicitly denied that he is in fact Mitt Romney.

‘I am not Mitt Romney,’ he said reading from a prepared statement via satellite phone. ‘I am not pretending to be a character named Mitt Romney, a buffoonish right winger who keeps dropping hilarious clangers. This is not a character who will appear in my new movie Mitt Romney: Borat Comes Home, in cinemas nationwide from March 2013. That is all I have to say.’

Cohen – famous for his outrageous satirical creations such as Borat, Ali G and Bruno – has more recently appeared in less prank-style and more conventional features such as Hugo and The Dictator. However, rumors spread that he was preparing a return to the punk’d territory with which he made his name when some people noted that Mitt Romney’s head looked like it was being worn by a comic actor who was uttering the most laughable bile. 

Following a series of gaffs – something about Libya and something else about people who are so stupid that they don’t even have one million dollars – the rumours began to be taken more seriously. Larry David – a keen Cohen fan – said today ‘It’s obvious that this is Sacha. In a way I’m a little disappointed. I expect a little bit more subtlety from the man.’

“Mitt Romney” refused to comment.

HOBBIT TO BE SPLIT INTO 4 FILMS BECAUSE PETER JACKSON NEEDS A NEW HOUSE

NEW ZEALANDPeter Jackson stirred up controversy earlier today when he insisted that his new film The Hobbit could be split into as many as four films.

‘There is a lot of material in the appendices,’ he said. ‘And the fact is I really need a new house.’

Speaking from his mansion outside Wellington, he clarified, ‘Well, I say need, it’s more that I want. I really want a new house. Some people are bound to say aren’t the houses you already have enough, but I say (with all due respect) Extended Edition bitches.’

Mr. Jackson’s Hobbit films – the first of which An Unexpected Journey is due to be released in December – have already caused some controversy after reports leaked to The Studio Exec that Jackson had abandoned forced perspective and CGI techniques to reproduce the hobbits’ and dwarfs’ diminished stature and was resorting to a technique he was calling ‘aesthetic amputation’.

This procedure apparently involves the amputation of the leg just below the knee and the attaching of large hairy prosthetic feet. Martin Freeman, who plays Bilbo Baggins, refused to comment on the rumours though he did remark that Mr. Jackson was keeping all the feet he had collected in a large fridge and had promised to return them in time for Sherlock Season 3.

CLINT EASTWOOD ARRESTED IN IKEA

HOLLYWOOD – Veteran film actor and director, Clint Eastwood was arrested this morning at an IKEA store in Northern California.

Staff who witnessed ‘the man with no name’ star, said he appeared to be confused and Captain Arsens of the Carmel Sheriff’s Office said that Mr. Eastwood had made inappropriate comments and then actions to a POANG blond wood chair footstool combination with optional leather cushioning  which sells at the price of $89.
Staff were alerted by customers that the 82 year old was scaring children who in turn called the police when the Where Eagles Dare star refused to desist and became agitated.
Store Manager, Boris Offly, stated:
I knew he was Dirty Harry, but I didn’t know he was this dirty.
A spokesperson for Mr. Eastwood said the Invictus director had been behaving erratically recently, even going so far as to endorse ‘some Mormon or other’ for the US presidency.
Clint Eastwood’s new film Trouble with the Curve will be released later this month. Mr Eastwood himself should be released later today.