SACHA BARON COHEN SAYS HE IS NOT MITT ROMNEY


















LONDON – Sacha Baron Cohen has come out today and explicitly denied that he is in fact Mitt Romney.

‘I am not Mitt Romney,’ he said reading from a prepared statement via satellite phone. ‘I am not pretending to be a character named Mitt Romney, a buffoonish right winger who keeps dropping hilarious clangers. This is not a character who will appear in my new movie Mitt Romney: Borat Comes Home, in cinemas nationwide from March 2013. That is all I have to say.’

Cohen – famous for his outrageous satirical creations such as Borat, Ali G and Bruno – has more recently appeared in less prank-style and more conventional features such as Hugo and The Dictator. However, rumors spread that he was preparing a return to the punk’d territory with which he made his name when some people noted that Mitt Romney’s head looked like it was being worn by a comic actor who was uttering the most laughable bile. 

Following a series of gaffs – something about Libya and something else about people who are so stupid that they don’t even have one million dollars – the rumours began to be taken more seriously. Larry David – a keen Cohen fan – said today ‘It’s obvious that this is Sacha. In a way I’m a little disappointed. I expect a little bit more subtlety from the man.’

“Mitt Romney” refused to comment.

HOBBIT TO BE SPLIT INTO 4 FILMS BECAUSE PETER JACKSON NEEDS A NEW HOUSE

NEW ZEALANDPeter Jackson stirred up controversy earlier today when he insisted that his new film The Hobbit could be split into as many as four films.

‘There is a lot of material in the appendices,’ he said. ‘And the fact is I really need a new house.’

Speaking from his mansion outside Wellington, he clarified, ‘Well, I say need, it’s more that I want. I really want a new house. Some people are bound to say aren’t the houses you already have enough, but I say (with all due respect) Extended Edition bitches.’

Mr. Jackson’s Hobbit films – the first of which An Unexpected Journey is due to be released in December – have already caused some controversy after reports leaked to The Studio Exec that Jackson had abandoned forced perspective and CGI techniques to reproduce the hobbits’ and dwarfs’ diminished stature and was resorting to a technique he was calling ‘aesthetic amputation’.

This procedure apparently involves the amputation of the leg just below the knee and the attaching of large hairy prosthetic feet. Martin Freeman, who plays Bilbo Baggins, refused to comment on the rumours though he did remark that Mr. Jackson was keeping all the feet he had collected in a large fridge and had promised to return them in time for Sherlock Season 3.

CLINT EASTWOOD ARRESTED IN IKEA

HOLLYWOOD – Veteran film actor and director, Clint Eastwood was arrested this morning at an IKEA store in Northern California.

Staff who witnessed ‘the man with no name’ star, said he appeared to be confused and Captain Arsens of the Carmel Sheriff’s Office said that Mr. Eastwood had made inappropriate comments and then actions to a POANG blond wood chair footstool combination with optional leather cushioning  which sells at the price of $89.
Staff were alerted by customers that the 82 year old was scaring children who in turn called the police when the Where Eagles Dare star refused to desist and became agitated.
Store Manager, Boris Offly, stated:
I knew he was Dirty Harry, but I didn’t know he was this dirty.
A spokesperson for Mr. Eastwood said the Invictus director had been behaving erratically recently, even going so far as to endorse ‘some Mormon or other’ for the US presidency.
Clint Eastwood’s new film Trouble with the Curve will be released later this month. Mr Eastwood himself should be released later today.