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CANNES MUST SEE LIST

CANNES 2022 – The Studio Exec Cannes Must See List is as much a part of the festival as Lars Von Trier making a dick of himself or paying 6000Euros to stay in a broom closet that smells of piss. Let us guide you through the must-see events and highlights of this year’s festival. Trip the light fantastic with our Cannes Must See List.

No Cannes Boo!

No trip to Cannes would be complete without a boo and a walkout by some overentitled journalist. They probably only claim to be a film critic so they can stay in their sister in law’s Gites outsides Cannes on a free holiday. If you don’t see at least one film with boos and walkouts, you’re not doing it right.

Let’s Get Ready To Rumble

With last year’s red carpet showdown between Jodie Foster and Adam Driver a thing of the past, Cannes has a reputation to upkeep. After the fallout of what many are calling SmithRock at this year’s Oscars, speculation is rife over who will see red on the red carpet. Will it be Jane Campion facing off with Power Of The Dog naysayer, Sam Eliot? Or will Hollywood’s Scrappydoo, Tom Cruise be saying ‘Lemme at ‘em’ while a 5ft 9” bodyguard effortlessly holds him back from anyone who ‘gives him evils’.

Car Crash Press Conferences

Which ego-maniacal director will go off at the deep end and declare their empathy for the Nazis this year? Good ol’ Lars Von Sneer set the bar pretty low several years ago with his lunatic ramblings, apologies and retracted apologies. As long as supply channels of cocaine remain open in the south of France, chances are, he won’t be the last. By the way, is Mel Gibson going this year? Just asking for a friend.

Cannes Must See Shopping List

Whatever you watch at this year’s festival, you’re bound to bump into journalists. They’ll be easy to spot. They’ll be the ones that look like Henry Kissinger on meth. They’ll stink of free wine and struggle to carry all their giftbags from studios whose films they’ll impartially review. Have a great festival everyone, they sure will.

The Annual Cannes Film Festival Takes Place At Cannes Every Year.

CAMERON ANNOUNCES TITANIC 2, 3, 4 & 5

HOLLYWOOD – Avatar and Terminator director, James Cameron announces Titanic 2, 3, 4 & 5 will all go into production shortly. The news that James Cameron announces Titanic 2, 3, 4 & 5 means that he will be shooting movies for fifteen years. The Studio Exec caught up with the director on the set of his latest film, Avatar 4: Ably Obtaining The Unobtainable Unobtanium.

Where Did You Get The Idea For Titanic 2, 3, 4 & 5?

As you know, I’m not one for chasing money. Usually I abhor such lavish productions. But I was floating in my gigantic flooded underwater sound studio one day and Boom! I had a little idea. People pay a lot of money to watch any old shit. So I put 2 and 2 billion together and came up with an idea for a Titanic sequel. Actually, a whole fucking series of them.

Can You Tell Us Anything About The Plot?

Of course I can. I’m KING OF THE WORLD! We join marine biologist, Sarah Connor as she travels to the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. There she boards a submarine and joins an underwater oil drilling crew. Together, they will stumble across something that will shock everyone.

It’s Aliens, Isn’t It?

Yeah, but not nice watery ones. These ones come in big slimy eggs. Guess what happens then? Go on, guess. You’ll never get it.

If You Say Chestburster, James Cameron, So Help Me I’m Leaving.

No, I wasn’t going to say that at all. I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Don’t Lie To The Exec, James. You’re Full Of Shit.

Honest! I wasn’t going to say that.

Ok Then. My Apologies. Please Continue.

These killer robots are sent back in time to kill Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet and Sarah Connor. And then-

This Interview Is Over.

Avatar: The Way Of Water Is Released This Coming December.

UFC CAMPION V ELLIOTT ANNOUNCED

HOLLYWOOD – In the wake of their public spat regarding Campion’s Oscar nominated The Power Of The Dog, a UFC Campion V Elliott cage match has been announced. The fight will take place at the MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas. The UFC Campion V Elliott fight will be broadcast live directly after the Oscars.

Grudge Match

Bad feelings between the two started brewing when Elliott gave an interview where he called Campion’s The Power OF The Dog ‘a piece of shit.’ Campion responded in kind in an Esquire interview where she called Elliott a ‘Bit of a bitch’. Tempers frayed from there and when the two bumped into each other at a charity gala in Beverly Hills, Campion launched a terrifying physical attack on Elliott. Witnesses to the fracas said, ‘Campion flew at him like she was possessed. She kicked him in the balls before round-housing him in the throat.’

Not In The Balls

Elliott reportedly squealed at a pitch nobody had ever heard come from the rich baritoned actor before. He screamed, ‘Not in the balls! You just crossed a line Campion. I’m gonna kick the shit out of you, padre.’ Campion responded by laughing in his face before flat-palming her hand into his nose. As the blood ran into his mouth, he spat through the crimson, ‘You piece of shit. You name the time and the place. We’re gonna do this properly.’ And with that, he ran away holding his dripping nose.

Let’s Get Ready To Ruuuuumble!

Within days, their respective agents had arranged the standard UFC sanctioned grudge match, which will take place at the Vegas MGM Grand Hotel. It’s going to take place directly after the Oscars. So Campion, whose The Power Of The Dog is nominated for both Best Picture and Director will not be attending the ceremony should she win. She will instead be backstage in Vegas, warming up for her fight. Sam Elliott, who isn’t troubling any of the Oscar categories this year, has been in intensive training since the fight was announced. ‘I’ve been doing a lot of road work and sparring with Tyson Fury.’ said the Blue Jean Cop and Big Lebowski star. ‘I’m in the shape of my life.’ He added, ‘I’m gonna nail this scene in one take… down.’

Shit’s Getting Real

Campion has been equally intense in her preparations by staying with Shaolin monks and learning their fighting secrets. She had this to say on the upcoming fight, ‘Shit’s getting real, man. I’m going to tear that piece of shit a new asshole. I’ve been training in Shaolin ways. I can shove my hands into hot gravel and everything. This is going to make one mother f**king badass movie. And my training sessions will be the perfect montage. It’ll make Rocky IV look like a f**king picnic. Bring him on. I’m thirsty for rhinestone cowboy blood.’

The Fight Takes Place After This Year’s Oscars Ceremony

THE BATMAN THE REVIEW

HOLLYWOOD – With the release of Matt Reeves’ The Batman, the review is here. The Studio Exec delves into what worked well and didn’t work so well in THE BATMAN THE REVIEW.

Holy Shoegazing Batman!

Thankfully, The Batman spares us yet another origin story. If you’re going in to this film unaware Bruce Wayne’s parents were killed yada-yada-yada, then congratulations on living on a desert island for the last 50 years and maybe this film might be a bit much for your introduction into post studio-system cinema. Perhaps try Bonnie and Clyde, and then work your way up from there. But we join our caped crusader as he investigates a mysterious murder at the invitation of Jeffrey Wright’s Lieutenant Gordon. The murder is gruesome and there clues aplenty, even a riddle or two. And as he leaves the scene the cheery Nirvana ditty Something In The Way strikes up. The mood is set.

Holy Floppy Hair!

Robert Pattinson’s Bruce Wayne is a billionaire emo who is sad. We can tell he is sad by the angle he holds his head and how he walks, like a teenager who has been told to be home by midnight and not to spend all night standing outside that 7-Eleven smoking Marlboro Golds all night long.

Holy Imperial March!

The music and score is wonderful, but the main theme’s melody owes a great deal to the Star Wars Imperial March, which can be a little distracting. As the music plays you expect to see a completely different black cape clad iconic character emerge from the darkness.

Holy Sore Throat!

Most of the male characters in the movie are attempting to out-do Pattinson’s rough sounding Batvoice except for all of the lower ranked ‘toughs’ and ‘hoods’ who all sound like they’ve been plucked straight from Rocksteady’s Batman: Arkham series of games.

Holy Bang For Your Buck!

The action set pieces are spectacular and this version of the Batmobile is wonderful. It’s no indestructible Tumbler as in Nolan’s trilogy, but that makes it all the more thrilling to see it in action. The fight scenes are brutal and bone crunching. And the villains’ gallery is well populated with turns by Colin Farrell as The Penguin, John Turturro as Carmine Falcone. Paul Dano reprises his Prisoners role as The Riddler. Zoe Kravitz does all she can with what she’s given as Catwoman, but more could have been made of her character. And why does it always have to be ‘sexy skin-tight Halloween costume’? Why not a practical boiler suit and steel toed flat boots? Oh well.

Holy Summary!

There is more than a whiff of Fincher’s Seven in the art design, which is no bad thing and Pattinson is likely to develop nicely in future outings. So, pretty good if you like that kind of thing. Now let’s all funk it out to Prince’s Batdance.

The Batman Is Currently In Cinemas EVERYWHERE!

OSCARS INTRODUCE BOOTCAMP WEEK

BREAKING NEWS: The Oscars introduce Bootcamp Week, which will require all nominees to spend a week performing tasks and songs in order to gain ‘Oscar Credits’. These credits will go towards the final vote count to decide who picks up the coveted awards. So, as the Oscars introduce Bootcamp Week, we asked The Academy’s spokesman, Charles ‘Whitey’ Whiteman about this latest announcement.

Is Oscars Bootcamp Week An Attempt To Win Ratings?

I’m glad you me asked that question. Let me be quite clear about this. I have always firmly held this opinion. No matter what anyone else may tell you. Those in the main stream mass media would have you believe otherwise. But I am not for turning and I believe I have the full support of my colleagues on this issue. And it is an issue. A vitally important issue.

You Haven’t Answered My Question.

Didn’t I? My apologies. I used to be a GOP Advisor, old habits die hard.

Well? You Still Didn’t Answer.

Oh yeah, apologies again. Um… no. No it isn’t.

But You Can Understand How People See This As Part Of A Long List Of Changes? Changes That Are Moving The Oscars Away From Being The Most Coveted Award In The Movie Industry Into A Reality Show.

Not at all. We are simply introducing Bootcamp Week so all the viewers can make up their mind on which nominee in each category has the best story, the best journey while in the Oscars House. A just dead Nanna or Grampa always helps also. People are a sucker for a sob story.

There’s A House?

Oh yeah. We’re gonna have a diary room, voice coaches, dance coaches and daily challenges for luxury food. There will be a vote on who stays and who goes through to the grand final. The final being the Oscars live award show, brought to you in association with Pepto Bismol. Pepto, because watching the Oscars, is shitty enough.

That All Sounds Terrible.

You’re welcome.

The Oscars Bootcamp Week Starts On March 20th.

McG DIRECTING HEAT 2

HOLLYWOOD – Several weeks ago Michael Mann announced he has co-written and will be publishing the sequel / prequel novel to his 90s smash hit crime thriller, Heat. Today Mann announced that Charlie’s Angels and Terminator: Salvation director, McG is directing Heat 2. With McG directing Heat 2, we caught up with the controversial director to talk about this surprise announcement.

So, McG Directing Heat 2. How Did You Get That Gig?

Honestly, I have no f**king idea. I was settled in directing shitty TV episodes of whatever, which suited me fine. Then from nowhere, Micky Mann calls me and Badda-bing! I got the gig. Go figure?

What Are Your Plans For Casting?

As I’m sure you know, the book follows Val Kilmer’s character Chris after the events from the original. It also tells the stories of Al’s and Bobby’s characters before we met them in Heat. I’m gonna stick with the same actors for continuity. Marty Scorsese perfected the de-ageing techniques in The Irishman, so I’m just gonna piggy-back on what he did. Easy.

Are You Sure About That? Not Everybody Was Convinced.

F**k them! If it’s good enough for Marty, it’s sure as shit good enough for me. I’m also casting Sam Worthington in it. Not sure who he’s gonna play yet. But I just think he’s one of the most compelling performers we have.

What Else Can You Tell Us About The Movie?

Where the first movie fell down was in the lack of action sequences. Yeah, it had a decent gun battle, but where was all the bullet time? Where were all the hunter-killer robots? That’s what the Heat universe needs. Hey, hang on just one goddam minute. That gives me an idea. We can make this not only a Heat sequel and prequel, but also a prequel to Terminator: Salvation. Sam can reprise his role of Robby The Robot, or whatever the f**k he was in that movie. Maybe we could even get Christian Bale back as John Connor. He had so much fun playing that role.

Are You Sure That Will Fit In With What’s Gone Before?

You have seen my work before, right? Do you think I give a shit about any of that? This is gonna be awesome, baby. YEAH!

Heat 2: Turn Up The Temperature Is Slated For A 2024 Release

BEST ATTENDANCE RECORD OSCAR ANNOUNCED

HOLLYWOOD – Following on from The Academy’s recent announcement of a new Fan Favorite Oscar, they have announced a new Best Attendance Record Oscar category. With the introduction of the new Best Attendance Record Oscar, this will be the start of a policy where ‘nobody goes away empty handed’. The Exec spoke with Academy President, David Rubin about the new announcement.

What Is The Thinking Behind This Best Attendance Record Oscar?

Are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin. Many of the grown-ups at The Academy sat down to have a good long think about how we can make everybody happy at the same time. At first we came up with the Fan Favorite Oscar to make sure all the Marvel stans got their moment in the sun. But then we realized that will only apply to Marvel’s movies that were out in the past year. And that children, is what we call a problem. How could we fix it? Do you have any ideas? Put your hands up if you think you know.

Was That When You Came Up With-

I said put your hands up. I can sit here and wait just as long as you. It’s your own time you’re wasting.

Was That When You Came Up With This New Oscar?

Yes. And thank you for putting up your hand. We want to make sure all the children – sorry – members of the Academy go away feeling they’re as valued as the actual winners. The Academy will award the member who as appeared and voted most times at the awards over a rolling five year period. We’re also going to give everyone party bags. We’ll make sure everybody gets a slice of cake, some candy and a few toys to play with before bedtime.

What Do You Say To Those Who Accuse The Academy Of Dumbing Down?

I’d tell them to go sit in the quiet corner and think about how unkind they’re being. Once they’ve had a good think, they can come over here and read out their apology essay to the whole class.

The Oscars Take Place On March 27th.

TOM CRUISE DENIED OVERCOMPENSATING

EXCLUSIVE – In a Studio Exec exclusive interview Tom Cruise denied overcompensating for ANYTHING. We sat down with the Mission Impossible star to talk about the next two movies in the series. It was then Tom Cruise denied overcompensating for anything with his extreme stunts.

Tom Tell Us About Your Next Mission Impossible Movie

You know I can’t tell you anything in any great detail. But what I can guarantee is there will be wild and crazy stunts that would make those Jackass, err Jackasses soil their athletic cups. We’re going bigger, faster and much longer than before.

What Do You Say To People Who Say Tom Cruise Is Overcompensating?

Overcompensating? For what? I’m the biggest movie star in the world. The BIGGEST! You hear me? I say, stick ‘em up, lemme at ‘em. I loved Scrappy-Doo. Anyone who talks shit about him deserves everything they got coming to ‘em.

But All The Rock Climbing, Abseiling, HALO Jumps and Motorbike Stunts, What Does That Say To Anyone?

It says I’m the dominant Thetan on this planet, baby. That Miscavige might think he’s the Daddy, but I’m the Daddy in this manor. Is your antennae receiving this message? I’m OT VIII. I got my certificate framed up on the wall and everything. It’s right next to my Wichita University Of Performing Arts Correspondence Course certificate.

Is It True MI: 7 & 8 Will Be Your Farewell To The Franchise?

Absolutely, it will be. Yes. I mean, it gets kind of ridiculous after a certain age, expecting me to throw myself from buildings and fight people the size of Henry Cavill.

Ha-ha-ha, Yes. It Did Look A Bit Funny When You Were Stood Next To Him.

I meant, it would look ridiculous when I’m in my 70s. But not now. What the f**k are you implying? Why would you say such a thing to me? Let me get my standing-on box, so I can look you in the eye while I tell why that was so rude.

Mission Impossible: 7 Is Due Out In 2023

BRUCE WILLIS’S FACE MOVED

HOLLYWOOD – The movie world was sent into shock earlier today with rumors and unconfirmed reports that Bruce Willis’s face moved. It is not known if Bruce Willis’s face moved in a professional capacity for a role, something which hasn’t happened for over 15 years. The Exec spoke with his manager, Aaron Jobsworth to see if there was any truth to the rumors.

Is There Any Truth To The Rumor That Bruce Willis’s Face Moved Earlier Today?

I can neither confirm or deny the rumor at this current time. You will appreciate the magnitude of such a possibility and Bruce has his whole team around him. We will help establish the facts and provide support at this difficult time.

Were There Any Witnesses?

We are looking into the possibility that a member of the public may have witnessed the incident. It is seems that Bruce was afflicted with an extreme bout of flatulence after leaving his favorite restaurant, ‘We Are Onions’. It’s on Pico Boulevard, right next to Tech Noir. Bruce’s rectum prolapsed with the fart’s force and his face may have suffered an expression.

Is This Account From The Witness?

Not directly. The witness is still under heavy sedation and has yet to be interviewed. We’re trying to put the pieces together as much as we can. We have asked Bruce to comment, but as he’s going off-script, we’re not expecting much back from him.

When Was The Last Confirmed Expression From Bruce?

The last official sighting of a facial expression came way back in 2012’s Moonrise Kingdom. This was his final foray into quirky cinema. As you can imagine, we all have our fingers crossed for Bruce at this difficult time. If this turns out to be true, it could be devastating for his straight to DVD career.

We’ll Bring You More On This Breaking Story As We Get It.

ROLAND EMMERICH’S BARRY LYNDON GREENLIT

MOVIE NEWS – In the wake of the Moonfall publicity, Roland Emmerich’s Barry Lyndon has been greenlit. It is due to start shooting in the spring. Roland Emmerich’s Barry Lyndon isn’t a combo that immediately comes to mind, so we spoke to the director about his next project.

Roland, What Made You Choose Barry Lyndon?

You mean The Luck Of Barry Lyndon. I’ve always been a fan of William Thackeray’s work, which is evident from my movies. I know people have been crying out for me to finally tackle this perfect fit. With the forecast numbers of Moonfall looking so good, I managed to get this signed off.

Isn’t It Daunting Making A Film That Will Always Be Compared To Kubrick’s Masterpiece?

Masterpiece? You mean snooze-fest. It takes such liberties with the source material. I can’t recognize it as an adaptation of the book I so dearly love.

Apart From The Lack Of 1st Person Narrative, How Does It Differ That Much?

You’re kidding me, aren’t you? I think we must have read different books. The film is this turgid study of people standing in candle-lit rooms, staring at each other. Every now and then he goes off to a war or duels. But otherwise, back into candle-lit rooms and back to staring at each other. I mean, fuck me, it’s awful. We’re going to tell the real story of The Luck Of Barry Lyndon.

Which Is?

So when Barry joins the Prussian Army, he uncovers an alien conspiracy that threatens not just this world, but the entire galaxy. So Barry builds a spaceship with the aid of some alien tech he finds in Barn 51, near Dusseldorf. He then zooms up into space to try and destroy the alien mothership, which is hiding behind Mars. And then-

For God’s Sake Man. Just Stop. STOP!

Moonfall Is Currently Showing In Cinemas.

KRISTEN STEWART SUES BAFTA

HOLLYWOOD – Kristen Stewart sues BAFTA for defamation of character portrayal as the British Academy snubs her in this year’s awards. A spokesperson for the Royal Family has also confirmed she will be doing so as a ‘private citizen’. So, as Kristen Stewart sues BAFTA, The Exec sat down to speak to her about this litigious decision.

So Kristen, This Seems Like Drastic Action To Take?

You will address me as Her Royal Highness, Princess Of Hearts, what-what-what.

Eh? But You ARE Kristen Stewart. The Actress. Diana Was A Character You Portrayed.

You utter buffoon. You sound exactly like those proletariat, Windsor-minions at BAFTA. They have their tongues so far up the Royal family’s what-have-you it was obvious they were never going to nominate one for Best Actress. What-what-what.

But Is It Right To Expect Nominations?

Look ‘ere, Miles, if that even is your real name. One did not become another person for nothing y’know. I went to the trouble of being possessed for this picture. For What? Just to have those Gin swigging BAFTA oiks to ignore one? We are not amused. That lot wouldn’t know a decent performance if it bit them on their civil list. What-what-what.

What Do You Hope To Achieve With This Court Action?

One isn’t doing it for one’s self y’know. One is taking this action for all the other A-list actors out there. Those brave souls taking highly paid roles with the reasonable expectation of snagging a statuette or seven. One wants to stand on stages and know that people love me. LOVE ME! All my subjects must love me. The adoration of common movie attendees along with perfume advertising paychecks is not enough. One must have awards. What-what-what.

That Sounds Very Noble Of You

Well, one is nobility, after all. Hahahaha! What-what-what.

The BAFTA Awards Take Place On March 13th

CHAOS WALKING SEQUEL ‘UNLIKELY’

HOLLYWOOD – The producers of the Tom Holland and Daisy Ridley sci-fi slump have confirmed the once planned Chaos Walking sequel ‘unlikely’. Which, in producer talk means it was a complete and utter flop and there’s no way in hell they’ll be spaffing any more money on that franchise. The Exec sat down to talk to producer Mark Pryke and ask why is a Chaos Walking sequel ‘unlikely’.

A Chaos Walking sequel ‘unlikely’? That means it was huge flop, doesn’t it?

*What do you mean by that? What an asshole. Just because I got an Associate Producer credit on that piece of shit, I have to talk to these idiots.*

What Did You Say?

Oh, that wasn’t me talking. That was my aura. Sorry about that. It tends to do that and I have virtually no control over it. *And now I have to suck up to him and apologize. Dick.*

Ok, I’ll Try And Ignore It, As Most People Ignored Chaos Walking, Ha-Ha!

*Smart ass.* Yes, very funny, ha-ha. I think the main problem was that we didn’t develop the script enough prior to shooting. We didn’t fully take advantage of the conceit of the auras. *And we had Tom Holland and Daisey Ridley in starring roles. If they aren’t in a Spiderman costume or hurling a lightsaber around, nobody seems to give a shit.*

Isn’t It A Bit Harsh To Lay The Blame On The Actors?

God damn this fucking aura. *Heheheheh.* I guess you have a point, I wish we could guarantee what will be a hit and what will be a flop, but that’s impossible. *Name a film that either of them has starred in away from their franchises that was successful. I’ll wait.* Oh, so my aura is going to do shitty meta-tweet gags now? *Tom Holland, Daisy Ridley or a successful movie… you can only pick one.* Fuck you, aura. *No, fuck you, Pryke!*

You Know What, I Can See Why The Film Flopped. This Aura Thing Is Really Annoying.

Fuck you Exec. Fuck you.

Was That Your Aura Saying That?

Nope. *Heheheheheh. Aura high five.*

Chaos Walking Is On Prime Video… If Anyone Cares.

RECONSIDERED – THE PHANTOM MENACE

REVIEW – Time can be a great healer as paradigms and perceptions change. People age and mellow as tastes develop and evolve. What were once forgettable mediocrities upon release are often now viewed as classics of their time. And so we reconsidered The Phantom Menace. George Lucas’s prequel trilogy starter now has the reputation of an unpolish-able turd. But is that summation fair? The Exec reconsidered The Phantom Menace with an open mind and a blank slate.

Reconsidered – The Phantom Menace… Still Shit, It Is

Jesus Christ. Just imagine if George had opened with this one back in the 70s. It makes Star Crash look like Tarkovsky’s Stalker. Even the opening crawl manages to be so dull, reading it aloud could dehydrate fruit within a 30 yard radius. Who gives a shit about taxation trade routes? A long time ago, in an administration center far, far away.

At Best, Questionable Is Your Racial Stereotyping

Ok, so the Trade Federation guys aren’t that great in terms of progressing the franchise’s racial stereotyping images. But let’s gloss over that and move on. I’m sure George Lucas wont have any other characters that are racist- oh my, Jar-Jar has just arrived. Sweet Jesus, this is difficult to watch. Even if you ignore the god-awful attempts at physical comedy. I’m pretty sure you can see the moment Ewan McGregor realizes how bad this all is. Something in his eyes dies the first times he looks up at Jar-Jar. It’s probably about the same time he remembers he’s signed on for all 3 films and it’ll take more than a Jedi mind trick to get him out of his contract.

More Gungans. Embarrassed, Are We

Dear lord. Let me follow Boba Fett into the Sarlaac pit. It wont be as painful as having to watch this Gungun sequence again. This is what happens when a white, middle aged billionaire has nobody to say no to him or even question their decisions. This is how we now have Elon Musk. I blame you entirely George.

Watch More Of This Crap, I Can’t

At least Darth Maul is a very cool and genuinely threatening villain. I can’t wait to see how his character and story develops over the trilogy. Oh. What a sh *t kicker.