CHRISTOPHER NOLAN: THE FUTURE OF CINEMA

HOLLYWOOD – Dunkirk director Christopher Nolan discusses the future of cinema.

Hi everyone. Urm, yeah, Christopher Nolan here; director of the Dark Knight Trilogy, Inception and … oh, Memento. Yeah. That’s right. Have I got your attention? Yeah, um, I thought so.

Reports of the death of cinema, to paraphrase Mark Twain, have been greatly exaggerated. Mobile phones, illegal downloads, people eating nachos with dips, 3D glasses and Michael Bay have all certainly had their deleterious effect but with the right innovations cinema is going to be alive and well and better than ever far into the future. How do you ask? Well, I made The Prestige, and here are three magic suggestions. 

1. More comic books movies. I visited my local multiplex the other day and was shocked to see that two of the seventeen screens were occupied by films not based on comic book characters. One was showing Chef and the other was showing some tripe about a boy growing up with awful CGI ageing, no doubt. Comic book movies are great because you don’t really need a script, or acting, or anything and then Hans Zimmer lends you his epic thumping score and away you go. Make it a little bit somber, darken the palette, put in Mikey Caine and the critics will lap it up. So more of these. I’ll exec them for a premium fee.

2. Free gimmicks with your ticket. You buy a cinema ticket today and what do you get? Just a bit of card with the name of the film and which screen it’s on, maybe a seat number. Rubbish. You should get a gimmick like a Frisbee, or a rattle, something to occupy the hands during slow parts of the film. Imagine watching Le Weekend – a bit dull I know – and then a game of Ultimate Frisbee breaks out! Amazing.

3. Balloon net. This is the topper and I don’t think this has been done before. Rig a large net over every auditorium and when the film comes to its climax, release thousands of balloons from the net, along with party streamers and confetti bombs! Can you imagine watching Mamma Mia for instance or 12 Years a Slave and as the final shot comes on streamers and balloons float from the ceiling? It would be AMAZING!

Christopher Nolan’s Interstellar 2 will be released in November.

THE STUDIO EXEC HISTORY OF HOLLYWOOD: PART 1. HOW HOLLYWOOD GOT ITS NAME

HOLLYWOOD – A comprehensive history of Hollywood, written by the man who put up the ‘H’.

So Los Angeles. The turn of the century. A sparse neighborhood. A traveler rests on path halfway up a hill when a Chinese man leading a donkey pulling a cart filled with timber.

‘What’s the name of this place?’ the traveler asks.

Chinese fella thinks he’s being asked what he’s doing.

‘Hauling wood,’ he answers.

‘Hollywood, huh?’ says the traveler. ‘Nice name.’

And so it goes.

Forget that there are Hollywoods all over the country. There are twenty four places called Hollywood to be exact. There are two in Ireland. And there’s one in Yorkshire, United Kingdom.

From which we can conclude that this Chinese fella and his cart certainly marked up the mileage.

But it’s fitting that the place is mark with an improbable story, because that was basically going to be the job for a good few decades to come.

This series shall continue.

READ THE NOTES FOR THE ORIGINAL BLADE RUNNER

HOLLYWOOD – Read the notes of the producers of the original Blade Runner.

We’re all used to thinking that Blade Runner is a dyed in the wool cult classic but even the people making it didn’t think it worked. Bud Yorkin and Jerry Perenchio unleashed their critique in a series of notes. The best of which reads ‘This movie gets worse with every screening.’ Hardly a ringing endorsement. The voiceover was not a hit either. And generally they both criticized the pace of the film.

 

SEAN SPICER TO HOST THE OSCARS

HOLLYWOOD – Donald Trump’s former press secretary Sean Spicer will host the 90th edition of the Motion Picture Academy Awards in 2018.

Sean Spicer’s journey from despised turd to semi-ironic despised turd continues. Following his appearance on the Emmys, the Melissa McCarthy lookalike is set to host the 90th Oscars ceremony on March 8, 2018. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Sean was full of beans:

I am sooo excited. There’ll be singing and dancing. I love movies and fame and what not. To tell you the truth when they fired me I thought that’s it for the Spicer. Who is going to want me now? But little did I know that this is America and even when people think you’re a vacuous piece of lying shit, they still want ruffle your hair as long as your rich and famous.

What are you going to do?

I’m going to do that joke about how there are millions watching the show. And then I’m going to say ‘period’ like I did in real life and I was serious. And everyone is going to laugh. It’ll be funny because it’s true. Also, I’d like to do some political humor. I could tell that joke about how Hitler never gassed anybody. Hey, if Billy Crystal and Woody Allen can say ‘Jew this’ and ‘Jew that’, I don’t see why I can’t!

Are you worried about taking on such a big role as a relative amateur?

That’s what we all thought about Donald Trump and now look where we are! Ha ha. No but seriously. If James Franco and Ann Hathaway can do it, I’m sure I’ll be fine.

How does Donald Trump feel about your job?

He’ll appear as a surprise guest! And we’ll all ruffle his hair. It’ll be hilarious. Other guests include Steve Bannon and the Mooch are going to do a tap dancing/ contortionist act. David Duke is doing a skit about diversity. Who know there were that number of different types of blond hair? And Scott Baio and Kid Rock are going to sing ‘Imagine’ while pissing on a picture of Hillary Clinton! But you know, ironically.

The Oscars will be on March 8, 2018.

 

JIM CARREY TURNS INTO STAR DUST

HOLLYWOOD – Jim Carrey transformed into star dust early this morning.

News just in that Ace Ventura Pet Detective 2 star, Jim Carrey has turned into star dust. The Canadian comedian was attending a gala dinner for New York Fashion Week when with a strange cracking noise he seemed to dissolve into a stream of star dust which then wavered into a helix formation. Fellow diner, Amanda Seyfried told reporters what happened:

I was talking to Jim and he was really on a roll. He was telling me about how we didn’t exist and because we were all on these astral planes we didn’t need to worry about Polio vaccinations or stuf

jim carrey
Jim Carrey today

f like that, and I was listening, but not really listening if you know what I mean. I adored him in Liar Liar so I’m a huge fan. Anyhow, suddenly there’s this loud popping noise, and he’s gone. All these colored lights were in the air. And someone said ‘hey that’s Jim!’ Then I realized he’d been talking about how we are all star dust. So suddenly it made sense. People got real quiet and we could just hear this faintest voice.

What did it say?

Smokin’.

Jim Carrey will appear in Jim & Andy on Netflix.

WESTEROS IS SHRINKING

HOLLYWOOD – Yesterday it was confirmed that Westeros is shrinking.

Westeros – the land of Game of Thrones – is shrinking, a new report today confirmed. HBO told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

When the show began, Westeros took weeks to travel. Winterfell was miles and miles from King’s Landing for instance and it would take so much time to get from one place to the other. In fact, a lot of the time the difficulty of moving was fundamental to the story. However, recently we’ve seen that Westeros has shrunk. At first this just meant that people pretty much moved along at such a speed as to help the story along. But now they seem to have hidden motorcycles somewhere, the speed with which they move. The island is apparently so small that it takes about an hour for a bird to fly from one end to the other.

What caused this shrinkage?

At first we thought it might be global warming. Possibly dragons don’t help. All that, you know, fire. But Winter is Coming, as we all know. So it looks quite cold. Maybe the place was actually always really small, but Sean Bean was really, really slow. Honestly, I’m not sure, but if it continues shrinking all the characters are going to end up living in the same room.

Game of Thrones continues.

EDIBLE BURT REYNOLDS GO ON SALE

HOLLYWOOD – Edible Burt Reynolds is the tasty healthy snack that you can eat between meals without ruining your appetite.

If anything you’ll be hungrier than ever. Available from all good food stores, Edible Burt Reynolds are a delicious alternative to all those tasteless Gwyneth Paltrows and bland Eddie Redmaynes you’ve been eating. Made of the finest ingredients. Hand picked by underpaid and exploited immigrants. Mixed and prepared by overpaid and morally ambiguous food technicians and endorsed by celebrity chefs like Jamie Oliver and Gordon Ramsey who only read the part of their contract with numbers in them.

Edible Burt Reynolds is perfect for the businessman in a hurry. The student in the library or the squash player covered in a sheen of well earned body juice. Whether you’re a black lady digging up holes in roads or old Asian grandmothers popping balloons at children’s parties, get Burt Reynolds into the front of your face beneath your nose and feel your whole body pull him into your digestive tract with a burpy sigh of gratitude.

And can be perfectly accompanied by Ryan Gosling’s own Vegetables.

Edible Burt Reynolds.

When Hunger calls, Burt answers! 

CHRIS CHRISTIE TO BE THROWN INTO THE SARLACC PIT

TATOOINE – New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is to be thrown into the Sarlacc pit, officially known as the Great Pit of Carkoon.

News that authorities will throw Chris Christie into the Sarlacc Pit on Tatooine began to circulate today. The Governor will be fed to the Sarlacc, in whose belly the former presidential candidate will discover a ‘new definition of pain as he is digested for over a thousand years.’ Chances are – Sarlacc experts warn – that figure could be closer to 20,000 years. Tatooine correspondent Ark Ho Pitt Arrrrgh told us:

Christie’s a big guy so it might take even longer and that means more pain. The Hutts tend to throw in criminals and people who have crossed them. Working out why can be a problem. They disintegrate people who ask too many questions.

He’s the first sitting governor to be fed to the Sarlacc since Governor of North Carolina, John Drayton. Drayton was thrown into the pit due to a misunderstanding about back taxes.

Governor Christie is understood to have caused the Hutts anguish when he closed a bridge in New Jersey and caused them to miss a performance of Hamilton they were ‘really psyched for’ and had come all the way to see.

Chris Christie was unavailable to comment.

JOHNNY DEPP ARRESTED FOR ASSASSINATION PLOT

HOLLYWOOD – Johnny Depp was arrested last night by the British police for plotting the assassination of President Donald Trump.

Johnny Depp is currently being held in a police cell in an undisclosed location in Great Britain awaiting extradition to the United States where he will be expected to stand trial for threatening the life of the President of the USA. If found guilty, he could face life in prison. Depp apparently revealed his plot during an appearance at the Glastonbury Festival, a three day music event deep in the English countryside. In the early hours of this morning, anti-terrorism police swooped in to capture the Jack Sparrow actor in the lounge bar of the local hotel. In a statement released by law enforcement, a spokesperson said this:

We take all assassination threats very seriously indeed. Especially of a foreign head of state. Some have suggested Depp was saying a joke but to everyone there it was obvious that he wasn’t joking in that it wasn’t funny. And jokes are funny. So answer that. Depp had a plan and even identified that the assassin would be an actor. Johnny Depp works as an actor and so we put two and two together.

Lawyers for Johnny Depp claimed that the whole thing was a big misunderstanding.

The police received a tip off from a woman who sounded like the actress from Drive Angry and The Rum Diary. They acted on this information, but we’ll clear this whole thing up soon enough. As long as Johnny doesn’t insist on paying me in cotton balls again. The whole case doesn’t make any sense. If he really wanted to do it, why would he announce it to an audience of thousands of people? In a filmed event?

However, security consultants have stated that this kind of anticipated confession represents a common tactic of double bluff. John Wilkes Booth openly spoke of assassinating Abraham Lincoln ‘as a joke’ before then actually assassinating Abraham Lincoln ‘for reals’.

On the bright side, it looks unlikely that there’ll be another Pirates of the Caribbean film in the near future.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER’S FLUTE ALBUM A MASSIVE HIT IN GERMANY

BERLIN – Michael Fassbender hits number one on all German charts with his collection of flute music.

Michael Fassbender is one of the world’s most promising young actors. In films such as Fishtank, Hunger and Shame he has shown himself a startling performer and more recently with Alien: Covenant, someone who can make a move into the mainstream. So it might come as a surprise that in Germany Michael Fassbender is known primarily as a flautist. Gustav Bok, secretary of the Fassbender Flaut Uber Alles club told the Studio Exec: fassbender

Of course Michael is part German so that suggests perhaps why we Germans love him so much. But obviously it is the flute playing which is the most important thing. Michael has a wonderful pair of lips and he purses them just so. Making for the sweetest sound. And his lungs! Boy does this guy have the lungs. Many of our members don’t even realise he is an actor. They go to his concerts and buy his CDs and music. Many only went to Alien: Covenant because Michael plays the flute in it.

Fassbender’s flute antics also landed him a big role with a Hollywood director. Quentin Tarantino tells the story:

I was in Germany on a tour with a film and I was watching television and there was this massive flute concert and I didn’t even realise that fluting was so big in Germany. And I don’t mean like a flute and an orchestra. This is just one guy and a flute and he’s up there for three hours. It’s unbelievable. Magical even. And I thought I haev to have this guy. It was only when we were actually on set and filming Inglourious Basterds that this guy could actually speak English as well.

Michael Fassbender’s Flute Favorites is available on iTunes.

JOHNNY DEPP DONATES 15 MILLION COTTON BALLS TO AFRICA

HOLLYWOOD – Johnny Depp today donated 15 million cotton balls to Africa.

Johnny Depp announced he had donated 15 million cotton balls to Africa ‘to help with you know famine and stuff’. The troubled actor recently surprised tourists with his appearance as Jack Sparrow in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. He told the Studio Exec:johnny depp cotton balls

I’m amazing. Charity is my first love. I can’t live in a world where some people have 15,000 cotton balls a day and while others don’t have any. That just ain’t fair. Also, I want to get involved in going to the Syrian refugees and giving them some vintage electric guitars. I’ve seen the news and some of those guys just have cheap Fender replicas. It’s heartbreaking.

The move was widely seen as a publicity stunt to distract from the actor’s legal woes. First it was his plot to fill Australia with dog disease. Then his breakup with wife Amber Heard. Now he is in what could be a costly dispute with his business managers: The Management Group’s Joel and Robert Mandel. The Edward Scissorhands actor accused them of mismanagement. But the pair have counter-accused Depp of an extravagant lifestyle, something he did little to discount in a Wall Street Journal interview. In it he stated:

It’s my money. If I want to buy 15,000 cotton balls a day, it’s my thing.

The donation is evidently part of his private stock. Which countries in Africa will specifically receive the largess is as yet unclear.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Jack Sparrow’s Legal Fees will be released in 2019.

MEMENTO REMAKE TO STAR SEAN SPICER

WASHINGTON – The Memento remake is going ahead with Sean Spicer in the original Guy Pearce role.

Christopher Nolan’s Memento was a cult hit. Now it’s being remade with Sean Spicer starring as the man who following a tragic incident is unable to remember things that happened more than 20 minutes ago. Spicer spoke to the Studio Exec about the new direction:

The original idea has always been for me to go into acting. But I was going to do it sometime in the future. The distant future I thought. However, now it looks like we’ll probably be able to begin shooting sometime next week.

Has your experience as White House Communications Director helped you prepare for the film?

Absolutely. Every day I feel like it is very difficult to remember what happened the day before or even half an hour before that. In fact, it’s kind of the policy of the Trump administration to only employ people with very poor short term memory and an ambiguous and noirish sense of right and wrong. The film also has these doom laden and guilt-ridden atmosphere which is just becoming more and more like my life.

Have you any comment about the Hitler gaffe yesterday?

The original idea has always been for me to go into acting. But I was going to do it sometime in the future. The distant future I thought. However, now it looks like we’ll probably be able to begin shooting sometime next week.

Re-Memento will be released in 2018.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

 

SCARLETT JOHANSSON TO STAR IN UNITED 2017

HOLLYWOOD – Scarlett Johansson is in talks to play Dr. David Dao in a new film United 2017.

Ghost in the Shell star Scarlett Johansson has signed on to play Chinese American doctor David Dao in a new film about the incident, when he was forcibly bumped from his flight. Johansson told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I worried about playing Dr. Dao at first. After all he’s not Japanese, he’s Chinese American. And I’m really more about playing Japanese people. This will be a challenge for me. But then again this is why we’re in this game.

What will the film show?

The drama. In a word. What is happening here is symptomatic of our whole country. It will be violent and disturbing. People say there’s no script but then again I was in We Bought a Zoo so what do I know?

News of the casting has drawn outrage. The Association for Asian Actors and Artists (or the AAAA) said: ‘But she’s Japanese! Conflating Japanese and Chinese American is really racist.’

United 2017 will be released in 2017.

KENDALL JENNER DEPLOYED TO NORTH KOREA

HOLLYWOOD – President Trump deploys Kendall Jenner to North Korea.

President Trump today ordered Keeping up with the Kardashians star Kendall Jenner deployed to the western Pacific Ocean. She will provide a presence near the Korean peninsula. Secretary of State Rex Tillerson said China agrees with the Trump administration. “We must take action” regarding North Korea.

Tillerson told CBS’s Face the Nation when Donald Trump and Chinese President Xi Jinping met at Mar-a-Lago this week. They “had extensive discussions around the dangerous situation in North Korea and the role that Ms. Jenner could play in de-escalating the situation”.

“President Xi clearly understands, and I think agrees, firstly that the situation has intensified and secondly it has reached a certain level of threat that action has to be taken,” Tillerson said. “Kendall has a long history of peace keeping – well since the middle of last week to be honest – but let’s face who in the administration can put their hand over their hearts and say they are genuinely qualified. I know I can’t!”

Gandhi 2: the Kendall Jenner Story will be released in 2019.