FARRELLY BROTHERS ROSEMARY’S BABY

The Farrelly brothers Rosemary’s Baby remake gets the green light as news spread that Pineapple Express director, David Gordon Green is to direct a new Exorcist trilogy.

As an unusual genre for the Farrelly brothers Rosemary’s Baby remake will star Amy Adams as Rosemary (previously played by Mia Farrow) and Jon Hamm as Guy (previously played by Nick Cassavetes). 

 



The Farrelly Brothers Rosemary’s Baby

The Farrellys told The Exec,  ‘We’re huge fans of Polanski’s films. Uumm… up to and including Chinatown. But nothing after that. Y’know what I talking about. And we always thought we would be a perfect fit to bring Rosemary’s story to a new generation. We will tell her story with compassion and sensitivity. Oh, and a whole heap of fart gags.’

 


Shallow Hell

‘We’ve got a great supporting cast lined up and ready to go. We have Kirstie Alley in the Ruth Gordon role. We’re very proud to announce we have Kevin James on board as Satan. He just brings so much class and heft to any role he plays. From The King Of Queens where he pulled funny faces and fell over a lot, to Paul Blart Mall Cop, where he pulled funny faces and fell over a lot. The man’s a comic genius.’

 


An American Wayans In Venice

The Wayans brothers brought us classics such as White Chicks and 85 entries in the Scary Movie franchise and are remaking another horror classic. They will write, direct and star in a remake of Don’t Look Now. It will be called ‘What The Fuck Was That?!’ Marlon Wayans will play all three main roles including the mysterious figure in the red coat. 

 


The Farrelly Brothers’ There’s Something About Rosemary Starts Shooting In September. The Wayans’ What The Fuck Was That?! Starts Shooting In November. The Sequels Will Start Shooting In December.

MILEY CYRUS TO WRITE, DIRECT AND STAR IN CRIES AND WHISPERS REMAKE

MALIBU – Miley Cyrus – former child star and pop sensation Hannah Montana – is taking a further step to artistic maturity and critical acceptance by remaking the Ingmar Bergman classic of female suffering Cries and Whispers, which she will be writing and directing as well as appearing in.

The original is set in turn of the century Sweden and tells the stories of Karin (Ingrid Thulin) and Maria (Liv Ullman), two sisters coming to terms with the imminent death by cancer of their third sibling Agnes (Harriet Andersson). 
Miley Cyrus, speaking exclusively to Studio Exec, revealed that there are going to be some changes in the remake.

Obviously I want to keep the spirit of the original. A meditation on suffering and death, and specifically of how women address these deep philosophical questions. But it can’t be Sweden, so I changed that to Malibu and made it contemporary. 

And you’ll be playing the role of…?

Right. I’m Karin and Selena Gomez is going to be Maria and Vanessa Hudgens is going to be the gal dying of cancer. Though I’ll probably make it something else because cancer’s so the noughties if you know what I mean. Maybe she can get a head injury after a jet ski incident.  

What attracted you to the project?

Oh, the themes. Definitely the themes. And I’m a big Bergman fan. My pappy, got me into Bergman in a big way. I like Godard, and he said to me one day, “Girl, you gotta get some Bergman in you!” I watched the Virgin Spring and I never looked back.

Do you think people will take you more seriously?

I sure as hell hope so, though at the same time I don’t want to lose my fans, who’ve stood by me through thick and thin. So I won’t just be  slavishly copying Bergman. I’m going to do a lighter Miley version of the film. So everyone can enjoy it. For example the title is a bit miserable so I’ve come up with a version I think the master would be proud of.

Shits and Giggles will be released in 2022. 

JASON STATHAM IS PHIL COLLINS IN THINK TWICE

HOLLYWOOD – Jason Statham to play Phil Collins in a new biopic.

The British hard man, martial artist and multi-linguist (Cockney and Merican) Jason Statham is not only lined up to play Indiana Jones in a forthcoming adventure (for more on that CLICK HERE) but has just landed the role of prog-rock drummer turned soulster Phil Collins in the biopic Think Twice. 

The long-awaited biopic, directed by Harold Ramis, will chart the rise and rise of the drummer of Genesis. It will follow his solo career that brought us such hits as ‘In the Air Tonight’ and ‘Sussudio’. The film will also explore Collins’ movie career, best remembered for Buster. Collins said that he was delighted to be the subject of a film although, he remarked, ‘it isn’t as if my life has really been so extraordinary.’

Director Ramis agreed:

It isn’t like we have much to go on from an interest point of view. So we’re just going to make up some shit. We’re going to have Phil foiling an attempt to assassinate the Queen. Oh, and – during the recording of ‘Invisible Touch’ -he’ll have to restart his own heart a couple of times using a car battery. That was Jason’s suggestion.

Asked about the role he is to play, Statham looked nonplussed.

I’m not really sure about it, but my agent says it would be good to get out of this action rut and go for an Oscar like Whacky Phoenix did with Walk the Line. As for the music Phil has made, most of it has been absolute gash and the rest carries the stench of mediocrity. Especially that voice. Jesus Christ. It makes me want to vomit.

Given his star’s antipathy, why did Ramis cast Jason Statham in the role?

The hair. Or the lack thereof. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaa haaaaa haaaaa haaaaa haaaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Cough. Cough.

Think Twice opens sometime in 2022.

PATRICK STEWART AND IAN MCKELLEN TO PLAY WALDORF AND STATLER

LONDON – Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart are to play Waldorf and Statler.

X-Men enemies and men of the theatre Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen reunite as perhaps the most famous men of the theatre, Statler and Waldorf in a spin-off stand-alone live action Muppet movie called  Waldorf and Statler

Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart are to play Waldorf and Statler. Following the rejuvenating popularity of The Muppets, studio heads were casting around for ideas to cash in on what has at times been a faltering franchise. The idea to place the balcony docked curmudgeons centre stage was a stroke of inspired accountancy.ian mckellen patrick stewart

Speaking from his London dockside home, Sir Ian said he was delighted.

When Andrea [Arnold] approached me for the part of Waldorf at first I thought this has to be some sort of joke, or better still a dream. Come on pinch me. Is it? Well, no it isn’t. It’s real. And I can say that one of my greatest ambitions has been realised. After this I might well consider retirement, because it will be difficult to top. Then again Peter Jackson is planning another five films with Gandalf.   

Sir Patrick Stewart was no less effusive. 

There comes a time in every actor’s life that he goes through his little check list. Hamlet, done, Vladimir, done, Uncle Vanya, done, Dr. Xavier, done. And now has come the time to take the black marker pen and place a large tick beside Waldorf. 

But you’re playing Statler?

Am I? Oh. Well then, Statler, done. Ha ha.

Fishtank and American Honey director Andrea Arnold is more noted for her social realism, but confessed to looking forward enormously to the project.  

All that social realism stuff’s great for the festivals but 1. it really doesn’t make much coin and 2. All these bloody poor people bore me rigid. I need a bit of Mahna Mahna!

Waldorf  and Statler will be released in December, 2021. 

TIM BURTON’S SUPERMAN LIVES IS RESURRECTED

HOLLYWOOD – Tim Burton revives Superman Lives. 

Warner Bros today announced Tim Burton’s Superman Lives, with Nic Cage to don the cape.

‘We’re so excited that we finally get to make this incredible movie,’ said Burton. ‘We’re going to reboot the whole DC Universe with this thing. It’s going to be so far out man. You’ll believe a man can fly and everything. The first Christopher Reeve Superman will remain as canon. Along with the first half of Superman II and the bits of Superman III with Richard Pryor in, but none of the bits with Lana Lang. She didn’t test very well with young males on Twitter aged 10-30. We’re also keeping Nuclear Man, he was so bitching and rad.’

Burton went on to explain the casting decisions.

‘Nic (Cage) still fits into that weird neon tube costume, which cost a boat load of money. So we thought he could still give Clark and Supes a bash. Helena Bonham-Carter will obviously star as Lois Lane, with James McAvoy playing Lex Luthor. He looks really good in a skull cap. Glenn Ford’s likeness is going to be CGI’d onto Kevin Costner’s body as we’re going to keep his Dad’s bridge scene from Man Of Steel, as that was pretty cool and Danny De Vito will play Jimmy Olsen.’

When asked if Johnny Depp would be playing Apokolips, Burton refused to comment. However, he did confirm he fully expects Cage’s Superman to face off against Robert Pattinson’s really dark Dark Knight in future sequels. ‘It’s new, fresh and exactly what every comic book movie fan wants to see right now,’ said Burton, ‘those two beloved characters going toe to toe for the first time ever. It’s going to be wild.’

Superman Lives is slated to be released by Warner Bros in December 2022.

RON PERLMAN GROWLS YES TO TOM WAITS BIOPIC

HOLLYWOOD – Ron Perlman has confirmed he will play Tom Waits in the long awaited David Lynch biopic of the singer/songwriter Raindog Trombone.

The Hellboy actor Ron Perlman said that he’s looked up to Tom Waits as a hero. And the opportunity to work with Lynch was ‘something every actor dreams of.’

Based on Barney Hoskins’ biography The Low Side of the Road, the script kicked around development hell for sometime, with various directors from Walter Salles to Martin Scorsese attached.

Lynch came on-board only after the subject of the biopic made the request himself in a beautifully written letter which read:

Dear David,

My name’s Tom Waits. I kinda hope you heard of me, heh heh. Yeah, ahem, I know, I know. You must get letters of this kind all the time, but let me be clear, I ain’t gonna grouse or grovel, gravel and chickens and an ol’ 45 as a plate outside the window fills with rain… They’re tryin’ to get a movie made, of crows breaking black against a low November sky. And I’d sure appreciate it, that is, if’n you’d put your hands to the helm and try and get this rickety ol’ ship of a project off of the blunt rocks. Before the scarecrows attack with their penknives and tattoos of weeping clowns. I’ll pay you five gallons of petrol and a valentine nailed to the forehead of the last lawyer you loved.

Yours in a nightmare’s gown,

T. Waits


And David Lynch’s reply read:

Dear Tom,
Cut the bullshit and tell me how much I’m going to get paid.
Best Wishes
David 

Raindog Trombones is due to start filming at three o’clock tomorrow morning.

STEVE MARTIN IS LAUREL AND HARDY

HOLLYWOOD – Steve Martin has revealed that he is to play Laurel and Hardy in a new version of Way Out West to be directed by Robert Zemeckis.

‘We’ll use some CGI,’ said The Man with Two Brains, ‘But this will be largely live action, with me playing both roles.’

The beloved comedy duo were a sublime comedy double team so how will Cheaper by the Dozen Martin face the challenge of playing not one part but both?

Steve Martin told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

When I was acting in The Jerk I sat down and I wrote a list of comedy heroes, but I wanted to overcome and defeat. To eat up whole if you like. Phil Silvers as Sgt. Bilko, Spencer Tracy in Father of the Bride, Peter Sellers as Inspector Clousseau. I think – without wanting to appear hubristic – that I’ve managed to achieve my ambition. When anyone thinks of those characters, they don’t think of Sellers, or Silvers, or Tracy, they immediately think of Steve Martin. That’s me. Steve Martin. The King of Comedy.

 Robert Zemeckis seems a trifle embarrassed, ‘The thing about rediscovering a classic is that…’

‘We should call it Stevel and Stevey!’ shouts Steve Martin. ‘I mean after the film, no one’s going to think of those bozos any more.’

Who next?

Well, it’s obvious isn’t it? After I finish with Laurel and Hardy, first I’m going to make a film called Abbot and Costello Meet Frankenstein and I’ll play Abbot and Costello and Frankenstein. Then it’s on to the Marx Brothers, where I’ll play all four and the harp.

‘Way Out West is due for a Xmas release 2019.

DEADWOOD MOVIE GETS GO AHEAD

HOLLYWOOD – It’s the news Deadwood fans have been waiting for: Deadwood: the Motion Picture is going to happen.

The cult HBO Western Deadwood about the inhabitants of the eponymous  frontier town first aired in 2004 and set new standards for swearing on television. Cancelled due to a combination that people only watched it on DVD and the expenses of building a town, news of a movie has been tantalizingly spare, and many had given up hope. 

Timothy Olyphant (star of Justified) said no way; David Milch, the show’s creator, said nix nix, Ian McShane who played the unquotable Al Swearengen said you’ve got to f*cking be kidding me. 

All in fact, except the Studio Exec who yesterday managed to get Richard Plepler the current CEO of HBO in a headlock. It was an intimate function and security backed off  imagining that I was performing the Heimlich maneuver. ‘What’s this about?’ gasped Richard. ‘What the…?’ I told him I was a desperate man. I had to know what happened.

You can’t just leave me hanging like that. Years! Nothing resolved. It’d be like Schubert not finishing a symphony or something.   

There was a lot of spluttering, some sobbing and lots of pleading, but finally I let him go. 

‘You mad bastard,’ he said. He was quite literally spitting blood. ‘I’ll see what I can do.’

Deadwood: The Motion Picture will begin filming once I send Richard the location of his favorite dog.

MEL GIBSON ANNOUNCES PASSION OF THE CHRIST FOLLOW UP: EASTER

HOLLYWOOD – Today Mel Gibson broke a long silence to reveal that his next directing project will be a follow up to his 2004 Biblical blockbuster The Passion of the Christ, provisionally entitled Easter.

In an interview with exclusive French culture magazine Chapeau, Gibson revealed that he had been working on the project for three years but kept getting distracted by the Jews.

Gibson stated:

I’ve been really attached to this story because I am a devout Catholic and I love all that Jesus stuff. If you’ll notice the original film was called The Passion of the Christ, and that second definite article gave me the idea of doing a Passion of another Christ but then I thought no; that’s stupid. And I decided on Easter.

What happens in the film?

We start right off from where we left off with Jesus (SPOILER ALERT) stomping out of the grave, ready for some payback. It’s funny because this combines two things I love. 1. Being a Catholic and the Jesus stuff and 2. Revenge films like Mad Max and Payback. So Jesus kind of get his own back on all the people who hurt him during the first film. He whips the centurions to death, he kills Pilate and his wife by sabotaging their chariot and then he seriously fucks up the Pharisees.

But isn’t revenge inconsistent with the Christian values?

What? NO, of course not. What the…? I mean Jesus Christ, no. Goddamn it! Are you lecturing me on my own religion? You know nothing (hyperventilating) NOTHING!!

Sacre bleu!

I’ve been so good to you giving you this exclusive interview and you question me? I mean that’s such bullshit!

At which point Mr. Gibson broke something of his own which he really liked and then stormed out of the room.

Easter is out in 2020.

BETAMAX: THE MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – From the makers of V/H/S, comes a film of unmentionable horror: Betamax.

Bloody Disgusting and Magnet Releases announced today that a follow-up to V/H/S: Viral is already in production. As with V/H/S and V/H/S 2Betamax will be an anthology film, featuring the work of seven different directors. However, in a departure from the previous films, the directors will all come from non-horror backgrounds.

Tom Hooper is noted for his prestigious productions of The King’s Speech and Les Miserables. But is now one of the biggest talents involved in the project.

He spoke exclusively with the Studio Exec this morning:

I have never been a particular fan of the horror genre – although some have told me that the idea of Russell Crowe singing still keeps them awake at night, ha ha! But no, I’m not a fan of horror, but I did like the idea that I should try my hand at something new. And there was money.

Joining Tom Hooper is joined by Shakespeare in Love director John Madden, as well as esteemed social realists Mike Leigh and Ken Loach.

Madden said:

Firstly, we should be the more refined and ultimately superior quality version of what the earlier films were doing in a more grungy way. Plus the chances are that just like the real Betamax, no one will actually see this film.

The Dardennes Brothers declined as they wish to go forward with a rival project: Laser Disc.

Betamax will be released in 2018, but only in Betamax format.

KEN LOACH TO DIRECT SEX AND THE CITY 3

NEW YORK – Ken Loach will direct Sex and the City 3.

Ken Loach takes over from Brett Ratner who producers had deemed ‘overly intellectual’. The English director interrupted a world tour of boycotting film festivals that don’t endorse the immediate abolition of Israel, in order to start working on Sex and the City 3 straight away.

‘I used to watch the TV series religiously,’ said old Land and Freedom. ‘By which I mean on Sundays.’

The Raining Stones director continued:

I believe that in its original format it represented one of the most incisive indictments of free market capitalism and the vacuous deficiencies of consumerism. Carrie and Samantha represent the proletariat in a state of extreme false consciousness. Truly gripping.

Sarah Jessica Parker said that she had been having long discussion with Kenny for years. ‘He’d phone and we’d bitch about cellulite and joke about oral sex. Believe me he’s a perfect fit.’

Many friends of the director see this as a personal triumph. The director, who is in his seventies, suffers from Ponderous Disease, a condition which causes the patient’s fingers to get stuck to his/her chin. 

The news comes as hopes for the film were collapsing. Sarah Jessica Parker, Kim Cattrall and Cynthia Nixon will return as will Chris North. 

Sex and the City 3: the Collapse of Capitalism will be released in 2019.

ELI ROTH A LOCK FOR NANNY MCPHEE 3

TORONTO – Renowned horror director and eyebrow model Eli Roth let slip that his next film would be the long awaited Nanny McPhee 3.

The 43 year old Hostel director Eli Roth ended months of speculation in a private EXCLUSIVE conversation with the Studio Exec in which he confirmed he would be responsible for bringing to a close the McPhee trilogy:

Ever since I started making movies I’ve wanted to contribute to the Nanny McPhee universe. I mean, who wouldn’t? We met with Emma and though she didn’t seem to know who I was (thank God!), she was really nice and we drank tea and ate cucumber sandwiches. I shit you not, it was classy.

It’s something of a departure for you. 

Is it? Maybe. I’ve always wanted to make a children’s film. If you look at my movies, a certain childlike quality…

You mean they’re infantile.

Yes! But more than that. The common thread I think, is that we’re both, Emma and I, interested in the ugliness of life. And as much as I admire the first two films, I will be bringing something new. Dare I say ‘Rothian’ to the mix.

Nanny McPhee and the Sadistic Green and Red Cellar is due for release in 2018. 

ZOOEY DESCHANEL SIGNS UP FOR QUIRKY QUIRKY KOOK QUIRK

NEW YORK – The New Girl herself Zooey Deschanel is to star in Wes Anderson‘s post- The Grand Budapest Hotel offering: Quirky Quirky Kook Quirk.

For the first time Anderson will be working from a script by another writer, a much touted script by the Duplass brothers.

The Studio Exec has it on good authority the screenplay was doing the rounds of the studios for three years. However, many believed the level of quirk was so high as to render the property ‘practically unfilmable’. Then Anderson got hold of it, tapped his heels and phoned Bill Murray. His motto: ‘if it quirks, it works!’

Zooey Deschanel will join Anderson regulars Jason Schwartzman, the Wilson brothers, Brian Cox, Willem Dafoe and Angelica Houston. Anderson told fans to expect an eclectic mix of music, highly stylized sets, an arch acting style, postmodern self-awareness. Although laughs will be few and far between, ‘there will be much to smile wryly at.’

Anderson answered critics who say that he’s reached a creative cul-de-sac in impenetrable French.

new comedy film

 

Quirky Quirky Kook Quirk will be released in time for everyone to feel really pleased with themselves. 

MARVEL AND DC MERGE

SAN DIEGO – Marvel and DC Comics have merged it was revealed at Comic-Con in San Diego.

During a joint presentation in Hall H of Comic-Con, Marvel and DC Comics revealed that they are to merge to become Darvec, a super media conglomerate that will make all the movies for the next thirty years.

In a joint statement, Marvel and DC Comics spokesperson Stan Lee told astonished fans:

This is great news. We will producing a whole new slate of films with a shared universe in which all your favorite characters will interact and everything will be inter-related and we can argue and get really mad on the internet about nothing at all.

Reaction was loud with many threatening self-immolation and boycotts, but Ben Affleck welcomed the news.

The first film to be released will be Batman v Superman v Captain America v Iron Man in February, 2017, followed in 2018 by Justice League v Avengers.