ASK ALLY SHEEDY

HOLLYWOOD – Ally Sheedy has joined Molly Ringwald her fellow Breakfast Club alumni in offering our readers the benefits of her advice as the new Studio Exec advice aunt.

Dear Ali,

Whenever I go to the supermarket I always end up buying a lot of stuff I don’t need and forgetting essential items such as sugar, milk, toilet rolls and M&Ms. I’ve talked with close friends and they’ve told me that I should write a ‘shopping list’, but I’m not sure if I’m ready to commit to such behavior. And if I did, I’m not even sure if I really know how to. Please help me Ally.

Yours Affectionately

Tasha

Hi Tasha,

Listen. Shopping lists are for people who like table manners and correct minor points of grammar and probably secretly hate Jews. F*ck those assholes! What is the problem here is not your so-called ‘memory’, but something much more basic and interesting. You refuse to buy into the corporate model so good for you. Plus the strip lighting that can be found in most big stores is really distracting. If I were you, I’d wear shades, but black ones, wrap around, think of Lou Reed circa Velvet Underground. Or Mo Tucker. That chick rocked. Mo Tucker drummed standing up. Do you think she wrote shopping lists? no. She forgot the milk and she invented punk.

 

If you have a problem for Ally pop it in the comment box below and she’ll get back to you.

NO ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE FOR EBOLA

HOLLYWOOD – The Hollywood Celebrity Guild announced today that there would be no Ice Bucket Challenge in support of Ebola victims because the disease was just ‘a little bit too icky’ and it ‘weirded us all out’.

The news came when it was revealed that the self-aggrandizing instagram fueled charity phenomena would not be repeated for a disease which as of October 15 has seen 4,493 fatalities out of 8,997 cases in West Africa, the worst hit region, according to World Health Organisation figures.

Bono and Sting are currently sitting down with Angelina Jolie and Steven Spielberg to see if they can work out some wacky way celebrities can help while still taking Selfies.

Delbert Pittigul of the HCG told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

This is a doozie! I mean obviously this is a terrible disease and people are dying but the thing is how can we make it sexy and fun? Hard right? We can’t dump ice water over our heads because many of these victims are Africans and so the iced water is a little insensitive given the shortage of clean drinking water in many areas. And even if we do come up with some wonderful stunt that’ll look good on YouTube, I mean look at it, we can’t even try to make it go viral, because well, Ebola is a virus. And that’s the last thing you want, Ebola going viral, right? If only Ellen DeGeneres was here now.

Meanwhile, those engaged in satirical websites carry on the tireless battle to rid the world of evil.

FLUFFER’S NEW DVD

‘No rest for the wicked,’ as darling Marlene Dietrich used to say with that naughty glint in her eye. I think it was a minor stroke, but the cameras never picked up on it.

The truly exorbitant fees charged by my nursing home have forced me on to the streets with my begging bowl again, so look out for yours truly doing the rounds of some of our more easily impressed chat show hosts shamelessly flogging my first ever DVD! It’s rather ambitiously called ‘The Best of Sir Edwin Fluffer’, but for copyright reasons what I’ve ended up with is a load of old deleted scenes from films that no-one wanted to see me in years ago. The ‘highlights’, for want of a better word, include…

  • ·        Crossing swords with Errol Flynn in Robin Hood: ‘Have at ye varlet!’ ‘Oh put it away!’
  • ·        My cameo appearance as one of the regular customers of Rick’s Cafe Americain in Casablanca: ‘Come on, give me one more drink.’ ‘I think you’ve had enough, pal.’ ‘Please Bogie, just a small one!’ ‘Cut!’
  • ·        Coming to the aid of Gary Cooper in High Noon: ‘It’s about ten to.’
  • ·        An uninvited guest in Psycho: ‘Do you have any rooms with a bath?’
  • ·        My overlooked performance as the eighth member of The Magnificent Seven: ‘Does anyone have a horse I can borrow?  Yul! Can I go on the back of yours?’
  • ·        Playing the odds as Rex Harrison’s bookie during the famous horse racing scene in My Fair Lady: ‘Right you are guvnor, that’s twenty quid each way on Lucky Boy in the 3.15. And who’s this young filly?’
  • ·        A weather beaten old fisherman in Jaws:  ‘Yarr! ‘e ‘ad teeth like Steve Buscemi!’
  • ·        A lovely moment in Pulp Fiction where I play an elderly man counting out his change in the queue at Big Kahuna Burger while enjoying a bit of banter with Sammy Jackson: ‘Hey, you wanna hurry up there old man?’ ‘Hey, you wanna kiss my wrinkly white ass?’
  • ·        And my recent scene stealing turn as Gandalf’s dear old Dad in The Hobbit: ‘You be careful out there Gandy, and don’t forget to comb your beard!’

Sadly‘The Best of Sir Edwin Fluffer’ still has yet to find a distributor, but copies are available from my agent. Go 5 Old Compton Street, London, and ring the bell for Julius Leavy; ask for Gripper and tell them Neddy sent you. He only takes cash, so no cheques please. Happy watching!
 

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 27. COLIN FARRELL

DUBLIN – No living actor can lay claim to so many duff movies as Colin Farrell, with the occasional glimmer of gold amongst the dross (In Bruges), but now redemption holds out a hand in the form of a role in the second season of True Detective.

I met Colin over a breakfast of poached Guinness, two slices of Guinness, two rashers of Guinness fried in cow’s Guinness, all washed down with a couple of large mugs of piping hot Guinness to talk to him about his ‘career’.

So Colin. Total Recall. What the f*ck?

Yeah. Sorry about that. You know, I think what it was was… 

And Alexander?

Now that was all Oliver Stone’s fault, the hairy eye-browed bastard told me…

And Phone Booth, and S.W.A.T., and The New World, and…

Now listen here I was good in Saving Mr. Banks.

You were awful in Saving Mr. Banks. And you were basically playing yourself.

In Bruges, Minority Report, Seven Psychopaths?

But that makes me even more angry. If you can be good, why be so bad so often? 

My heart isn’t in it, I suppose. Hasn’t been since Ballykissangel. Did you ever see Ballykissangel? It was the True Detective of gentle Irish dramedy.

Okay. True Detective

Ah, True Detective. The Ballykissangel of gritty philosophically inclined serial killer drama. 

Is it? 

I spoke with Nic Pizzolatto and he told me that he thinks I’m ready for my version of the McConaissance. Really? Yeah. We haven’t worked out what to call it yet, but I’m leaning towards the re-Farrell-birth.

True Detective: Season 2 broadcasts in 2015. For more Breakfast with Assholes Click Here.

KRULL: NEGLECTED MASTERPIECE

 HOLLYWOOD – Film makers from all over the globe have added their voices to a growing tsunami of public opinion demanding that 1983 British fantasy film Krull be elevated to the status of Best Film of All Time.

 Michael Haneke even staged a protest at the Oscars on Sunday, refusing to speak in his usual pristine Oxford accent and instead pretending to be German: ‘It went over their heads,’ he later complained.

Steven Spielberg – making his first public pronouncement after having become the President of the Jury at Cannes – reviled film programmers everywhere for neglecting a film he rates as ‘Better than Lawrence of Arabia, but not quite as good as Red Sonja.’

Dissident Chinese artist Ai Weiweiweiwie tweeted: ‘Without #Krull, Rien!’ And noted Slovakian philosopher Slavoj Zizek argued in his essay ‘The Glaive: a five pronged phallus!’ that Krull ‘shits on Vertigo FROM A HEIGHT!’

The popularity of the film however has also provoked a backlash from Liam Neeson and Robbie Coltrane. ‘I’m in it,’ said Neeson to express his argument against the film’s rediscovery.

The list of powerful advocates now includes Matt Damon (a self-professed Krull-ite), Ben Affleck (who thanked Krull just after Canada) and  the prestigious British Film Institute which has promised to screen it ‘some time in the next five minutes’.

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 26. JAMES CAMERON

MARIANA TRENCH – Deep beneath the Ocean, I caught up with the visionary genius and Captain Nemo wannabe James Cameron to discuss his latest projects and eat a hearty breakfast of plankton and krill. 

So James, I suppose we should first talk about the Avatar sequels. Is it true that you’ve written three scripts simultaneously?

Yes that is true.

Wow.

Well, it’s not like I think about them that much. Or write characters or such.

Oh I see. 

Though I was hurt about a lot of the criticism I got, after the first film. People were saying that the first Avatar was basically Dances with Wolves crossed with the Blue Man Theater group.

 That was preposterous.

And inaccurate. It was obviously Pocahontas and The Smurfs

Oh, yeah absolutely. What can we expect this time around?

We’re going to see a lot more of the planet. And there’s going to be some fabulous creatures and adventures and I want it to be more political. The Na’vi are going to be ethnically cleansed basically.

That sounds quite heavy.

No, don’t worry. When I made Titanic everyone was saying, ‘Jesus Christ Jimmy! Three thousand people died’. But I was like don’t worry, the way I do it, it’ll look like fun. And it certainly did.

Finally can we have a few words about the new Terminator. 

Of course. My role is going to be decidedly a back seat one. 

So you’re producing. 

No I’m sitting in the backseat of my limo while my agent runs into the studio to collect my fifteen percent. 

 For more Breakfasts with Assholes CLICK HERE!

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 25. PETER JACKSON

WELLINGTON – Today in an intimate conversation with Studio Exec, Peter Jackson revealed his longing to move on from the works of Tolkien on completion his The Hobbit quadrology.

‘I’ve been working on J.R.R. Tolkien for almost fifteen years,’ Mr King Kong said. ‘With the making of The Hobbit trilogy six of my films will have been based on Tolkien’s work, seven if you count The Lovely Bones. So I’m really looking forward to wrapping up The Hobbit, so I can go on to fresh horizons and new challenges. Hell there’s a whole world of literature out there.’

So what do you have lined up?

The Silmarillion. 

But…

Which of course we won’t be able to do justice to in just one movie, so we’re thinking of splitting it up into four, no five, no six films. Nine movies tops.

Isn’t that another…

And then I’m going to make a stand alone Tom Bombadil movie. People were saying they missed Tom Bombadil in the Lord of the Rings, but really I didn’t think we could do justice to the singing and dancing hippy by having him just be there as a bit. So he’s gonna get his own musical. With all those wonderful songs.

So more Tolkien?

Come again?

J.R.R. Tolkien? Wrote the books?

I haven’t got a clue what you’re talking about. Anyway, busy busy. I just found out Tolkien wrote a few shopping lists and a letter to his landlady about her cat doing his business in the back garden.

The Silmarillion will be released in 2018 and for all the Breakfasts CLICK HERE..

THINKING COMEDY: JERRY SEINFELD

In the fourth of our series Thinking Comedy, film comedian Jerry Seinfeld talks about the importance of ‘observation’.
People often say to me: what is the secret of your comedy Jerry? If you could put it in one word, what would it be? And I have to tell them, if I have to tell them in one word, that the word I would tell them with would be ‘Observation’.

That’s right. I do Observational Comedy. But what does that really mean?

Well, let me try and explain. You see what I do is I look at things around me, I ‘observe’ them if you will, and I try to notice things that are funny. Things that are comic.
Sounds easy, right? Not too hard? Unfortunately, there’s a catch.
You see there are lots of things which are funny that I can’t use. For instance the other day I was watching a Louis CK DVD. And I was cracking up and I could see loads of material. I opened my computer and began writing. I’d observed everything and so I was able to write it down almost word for word. Then my wife read it over my shoulder and said, ‘You can’t do that!’ And I realized, drat and darn it, I can’t. You see even though I’d observed it and even though it was funny, the funny things actually belonged to Louis, and, unless you’re Denis Leary, comedians don’t steal other comedians’ acts. It’s a law.
So there are limits.
Here’s another one. I was driving (and no I wasn’t in a car with another comedian getting coffee, ha ha, yeah, ’cause you thought… well  anyway…). Okay I was driving and a police officer pulled me over because one of my lights was faulty. And I noticed that the police man seemed really young. And I thought that’s funny. And started scribbling down ideas. But the problem here is that everyone notices after a certain age that the police seem young. It’s because we get old. So the thought is what we call a ‘cliche’ and unfortunately it’s useless as comedy.
However, we can now see how to make a decent piece of observational comedy. First, observe something. Then check it isn’t already a comedy film, or a stand up act, or a comedy song, or something comic. Then check it isn’t a cliche or a truism, or something everybody already knows. Then check it’s funny (perhaps the hardest part). Now you’re ready for your microphone, an adoring public and beach mansions in Malibu. Have you ever noticed how you’re never sure whether or not there’s milk in the house? Ha ha. Yeah? See? Okay, that’s all I’ve got.

For more Thinking Comedy, CLICK HERE. 

FLUFFER AND SAM GOLDWYN!

Unfortunately the incident with the bearded lady led to me being fired from the travelling circus. For neither the first or the last time in my life I was down but not out, and so, having served my apprenticeship in this business we call show, I decided it was time to break in to Hollywood.
Dressed head to toe in black with a balaclava mask covering my face and armed only with a crow bar and sawn off shot gun, I smashed my way through Samuel Goldwyn’s bathroom window. 
 
Over the years I think the world and his wife have had their say about dear old Sammy. I will only say this: his home security was absolutely beyond compare. The police were on the scene within minutes and in no time at all one of LAPD’s finest was giving me the kicking I so richly deserved while another read out the charge sheet.  
 
I expected a bit of bother about the breaking and entering and carrying an unlicensed firearm with intent to endanger life, but it was a bit of bad luck that they also noticed that I’d left my car in a no parking zone and that one of the tail lights wasn’t working.  And if anyone ever asks you what Sir Edwin Fluffer and Shelley Winters have in common you can tell them that we are the only two Academy Award winners ever to be charged with regicide. But that’s another story…
 
For more Fluffer CLICK HERE.

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 24. SMAUG

WELLINGTON – One crisp morning, I met a drained looking dragon at a small Wellington bistro for breakfast.

Smaug is forty seven but following the fifteen month Hobbit shoot seems older. He slumps in his chair and orders a white chocolate mocha. 

Now that you’ve seen the completed film, how does it match up with your experiences?

It isn’t strictly speaking a biopic. I mean they glossed over my years singing in the Liverpool club circuit. In the original script, they showed my short stint as opening act for popular prog rockers Genesis, which was handled pretty well, we filmed a section of it and then, poof! it was gone. That’s the industry though.

You’ve been quite public about your anger at having your voice replaced by Benedict Cumberbatch in the movie. Do you think this attitude will make future directors wary of hiring you?

Look, I told Peter Jackson to his face it was bullshit! [Jackson maintains that Smaug’s Liverpudlian accent was ‘out of place’ in Middle Earth- Exec] but when you’ve had the constant stream of rejections I’ve had, you get used to it. I missed out on Dragonheart with Dennis Quaid back in the day, and that one hurt. I didn’t even get a call back for Game of Thrones, and even with this I had to audition about four times.

Really? you had to audition to play your own part?

Surprised? Yup, it came down to me and Gary Busey in the end. I had to sit outside the room listening to him doing an impression of me! In the end my physicality only just swung it. Busey’s good, I’ll give him that, but he’s too unpredictable and aggressive and ironically his breath is too flammable.

So what’s next? surely with your profile now there must be some offers coming in?

There’s been some discussion about a cameo in the new Cher movie, the Aquaman one [Click Here for more on that story] but it’s got a lot of underwater stuff and I’m mulling it over. Me and her go waaaay back and it’s… well, it’s complicated.

What would be your dream project?

I’m kinda sick of the movie industry at the moment.

 I would’ve thought you’d be thicker skinned by now. 

Very f*cking funny. maybe TV? what’s that HBO show? GIRLS, yeah, I’d like to have a go at something edgy like that. It’s filmed in New York right?

Yes.

Maybe not then, I caused a some damage there when I auditioned for Roland Emmerich’s Godzilla…another disappointment. What the… ? I can’t believe this shit. This interview is over.

At first, I thought he was offended by my line of questioning but then I realized the waitress had brought him a white chocolate latte and his day had been ruined.

For more Breakfasts with Assholes click here.

FLUFFER’S XMAS TOP TEN: PART 1


As the holiday season approaches actor, raconteur and fully functioning alcoholic Sir Edwin Fluffer pours himself a large one, and introduces us to his Top Ten Christmas movies.
1 The Muppets’ Christmas Carol
When I heard that the Muppets were filming A Christmas Carol I couldn’t believe that someone hadn’t thought of turning it into a movie before! Then I remembered that they had and I was very nearly in it! Yours truly was due to play Bob Cratchitt to Walter Matthau’s Scrooge, but then Jack Lemmon’s holiday was cancelled because of the bad weather and he suddenly became available. I was more than happy for him to take the role, but Matthau and Lemmon were no Caine and Kermit. Not many people know that Kermit The Frog was originally cast as Shelley Levene in Glengarry Glen Ross, but Lemon took over the role when Kermit had a falling out with Alec Baldwin. Whenever Kermit and I meet these days we still laugh about all the parts that dear old Lemmon squeezed us out of!
 

2 Merry Christmas Mr Lawrence

It’s a Fluffer family tradition that every year we put up the tree then all sit together and watch Merry Christmas Mr Lawrence.  People complain that it isn’t a ‘proper’ Christmas film because there’re no reindeer in it and the first time I saw it after having my cataracts done I had to admit that was true. For years I’d thought Tom Conti was Prancer. I’d also prefer a bit more snow, and maybe an appearance from dear old Santa Claus himself, and I do think they could’ve played it for a few more laughs. Maybe one of the guards could’ve got his hand stuck up a turkey, or there’s always comic potential with sprouts. And they could’ve put some sleigh bells on the sound track too. Apart from that it’s a 10 out of 10 must see film this Christmas.

FLUFFER’S CHRISTMAS CAROL

Having just lost three games of backgammon to Omar Sharif I thought things couldn’t get any worse… Then my agent rang to say I’d got a part in yet another version of A Christmas Carol.

Obviously I hadn’t read the script, so I imagined it would just be me sat in a leather bound armchair looking twinkly, open the book, read the first line and dissolve to a snowy olde London towne. The plan was I’d then head to the bar for a large brandy and some cheesey nibbles until they were ready to do another shot of me closing the book, smiling benevolently and saying Merry Christmas. 

 
The only trouble was bloody Dirk Bogarde had already nabbed that part so I had to pick from what was left. For a while it looked like I’d have to drag up and play Mrs Fezziwig, but luckily Jack Lemmon was quite badly hurt when I accidentally pushed him down the stairs, so I got to do Jacob Marley instead. It’s the best part in the whole thing really: because you’re a ghost you can just roll your eyes a lot, wiggle your fingers and start wailing if you forget your lines and that buys you enough time to work out what to say next. 
 
I don’t think Sophia Loren was anyone’s first choice to play Scrooge, but she was box office gold in those days and as soon as the producers saw her, the dollar signs popped in to their eyes. Sadly, it wasn’t a big hit, but releasing it right in the middle of the hottest summer on record didn’t help much.  I was just glad they didn’t use the take where I gave Mrs Cratchit the goose and she kneed me in the cranberries. God bless us every one, as dear old Tiny Tim would say! But that’s another story…

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 23. BRYAN SINGER

MALIBU – Apt Pupil and X-Men director, Bryan Singer limps into the sun-drenched brunch bar with a weary expression and slumps down to a bowl of handcrafted Cheerios. He eyes me and then the wall behind me and then he says ‘Coffee!’

So Bryan, you recently came out with the news that you would be directing X-Men Apocalypse after X-Men: Days of Future Past. How do the films relate?

Back when I was picking beans in Guatamala, we used to make fresh coffee, right off the trees I mean. That was good. This is shit but, hey, I’m in a brunch bar. 

You don’t like the coffee?

I’ll probably shit blood tonight.

Why don’t you drink some juice? Or water?

Maybe. I’m really thirsty. I used to dehydrate as a kid. One time it got so bad my piss came out like snot. I’m not kidding, all thick and gooey.

Jesus Christ!

I know, I know.

So the X-Men…?

You’re tense, Chad. You know tension is a killer. I used to be in a barbershop quartet in Skokie, Illinois. There was this baritone whose name was Kip Diskin. Big fat guy. I mean, like orca fat. 

How do you feel about the success of Man of Steel after the failure of Superman Returns?

Zach Snyder… The man… He becomes a myth. A spook story directors tell their children at night. ‘Mess with my  lenses and Zach Snyder will get you.’ 

What about your work on House? Do you have plans for other TV shows? Do you see yourself more as Bryan Singer the film director, or Bryan Singer the show runner?

Who is Bryan Singer? He’s supposed to be Turkish. Some say my father was German. Nobody believes I’m real. Nobody sees me or works directly for me. You never knew. That is my power.

Now you’re going to tell me the greatest trick…

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled…

Was convincing the world…

He never existed.

Right.

That your car  out front?

Yeah.

Hand me the motherfucking keys, cocksucker!

And with that (pffff!) he was gone.  

For more Breakfast With Assholes click HERE.