FLUFFER AND THE FOURTH ESTATE


Many of the better actors I’ve worked with over the years have what one can only describe as a love/hate relationship with journalists, but not me: I love them! Not the ones who say nasty things of course, they’re a bunch of untalented, lazy, useless shits, but the rest of them are jolly good chaps. 

Journalists are always quite easy to spot because when you’re at an interview or a press conference, they’re the ones who tend to ask an awful lot of questions. I met one once who had a job writing articles for the newspapers, and he was fascinating. Apparently everything they come up with is actually based on a true story, so it’s not that different to being in the movies really. I’ll tell you who didn’t like journalists though, and that was Clark Gable

If he saw one coming toward him in the street he’d hide in a doorway to avoid them. If that didn’t work he’d just punch them in the face and run off, but when he twisted his ankle teaching Edward G. Robinson the rhumba he had to get a bus instead. It wasn’t the same. 
Playing a journalist in a picture isn’t too difficult, you just need to wear your shirt sleeves rolled up and undo your tie a bit. Dustin Hoffman once told me that he played one in All The President’s Men, but I don’t remember them being that small. Not one of the Munchkins ever played a journalist, so maybe he was pulling my leg. I’m not saying all journalists are giants, in fact most of the ones I’ve stopped to have a drink with have been what I’d call an average height, but you never ever see a short one. Apart from Danny DeVito in LA Confidential. And Tintin. 
There was one occasion when a journalist treated me very shabbily indeed, and that’s when he misquoted me when I said Elizabeth Taylor was a witch. But that’s another story…

FLUFFER’S FAMILY SNAPS: PART 2

Put it away Neddy!
Shortly before filming this scene for Sunset Boulevard poor Gloria Swanson lost her dentures in Arizona’s worst recorded yachting accident. I lent her my upper set and luckily they were a perfect fit!





You must remember this…
Here I am in Rick’s Café listening to Dooley Wilson sing As Time Goes By. This was actually the second take, the first was ruined when poor old Dooley sat on the thumb tack I’d put on his piano stool. He may not look very amused, but Bogie thought it was hilarious!



On your marks…
Every morning on Lawrence of Arabia we’d mount our horses, and as soon as the pubs opened at 11 Peter O’Toole would shout ‘charge’! The last one to the bar paid a forfeit which usually involved a fairly unwilling camel.



He’s behind you!

You can imagine my embarrassment at being involved in Spartacus, which surely must be one of the worst movies of all time. I told Kubrick he was making a huge mistake not telling the audience who really was Spartacus, and history has proved me right.

FLUFFER AND THE DIETRICH

 HOLLYWOOD – Although her name suggested otherwise, Marlene Dietrich never enjoyed a particularly rich diet.

She’d have a bowl of cereal for breakfast, maybe a sandwich for lunch and quite often poached eggs for her supper. Burt Lancaster once offered her scrambled eggs but she politely declined, saying she preferred to stick with what she knew. 

An invitation to dinner at Marlene’s never really filled one with excitement, but she was always immaculately turned out in her best tuxedo. Noel Coward used to smuggle in a packet of peanuts which we’d share between us while no-one was looking, then he’d take to the piano and Marlene would do some of the old songs again.

‘Edvin,’ she’d say to me ‘vot vould you like to sing for you?’ 
I’d always ask for We Wish You A Merry Christmas and poor old Noel would bang away at the keys barely able to contain his giggles. 

She had the last laugh when I got food poisoning from a slightly under poached egg, but you couldn’t help but love Marlene. One night she kindly offered to have my name tattooed on her left thigh, but as the right one already said ‘property of Warner Bros’ I thought it to best to decline. 


In those days you crossed the studio at your peril, and I’d already blotted my copy book with the Mickey Rooney incident. In the end the kidnappers were paid the ransom, and he was returned safe and sound. I wasn’t as lucky with Glenn Miller, but that’s another story…

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES 20: WILL AND JADEN SMITH

 MOSCOW – We meet in Russia of all places where Will and Jaden Smith are promoting their new film Another Earth, a (gulp) M. Night Shyamalan eco- Science Fiction Oblivion style thing.

Cornflakes, hot milk, grapefruit juice and half digested Stephen Hawking.

Apparently you believe life can be understood through patterns.


Will:
 I am a student of patterns. At heart, I’m a physicist. I actually have a white coat I sometimes wear. With pencils in the breast pocket. I look at everything in my life as trying to find the single equation, the theory of everything. 
Is there a single theory to everything?
Jaden: D’uh! There’s definitely a theory to everything.
Will:
 You tell him son. When you find things that are tried and true for millennia, you can bet that it’s going to happen tomorrow.
Jaden:
 The sun coming up?
Will:
 The sun coming up, that’ll work. But even a little more. Like for Best Actor Oscars. Same thing, right? Often someone will get an Oscar for like a film and if they don’t do a film then they won’t get an Oscar. Patterns!
Do you see patterns too, Jaden?
Jaden: I think there is that special equation for everything, but I don’t think our mathematics have evolved enough for us to even—I think there’s, like, a whole new mathematics that we’d have to learn to get that equation. We need another symbol which would look like a fried egg being hung from a mountain. 
Will:
 I agree with all of that. Damn you’re smart.
Jaden:
 It’s beyond mathematical. It’s, like, multidimensional mathematical, pscho-matical. If you can sort of (?) understand what I’m saying.
Are both of you religious?
Will: No, we are students of world religion. Like there’s Jesus and Buddha and Mohammed and we like combine all of them. Like Jebumed Chrisha. You dig?
You and Jaden have acted in two movies together, including After Earth. Are you planning on a third?
Will: If you were a student of the ‘pattern’, you’d have to say we’re going to do another one.
Jaden:
 I definitely would do another one, absolutely. You know, how Ingmar Bergman and Max Von Sydow used to always do films together, Martin Scorsese and Robert de Niro? We’ll have a relationship like that, though I’m not sure if those guys were related.
Do you think of that as a separate relationship from your father-son relationship?
Jaden: It’s kind of like father and son, except that we’re going to work together. [Points to his dad.] Like you worked in your family business with your dad. I’m just working in my family business with my dad. Patterns, BOOM.

Jaden, how does it feel to be famous?
Jaden: I think it’s fun, except when people make up stuff about you like those assholes over at Studio Exec. Then it’s not so much fun. But besides that, I enjoy it.
 

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 19. GWYNETH PALTROW

A glass of sand and a corner of damp cotton, served lukewarm. 

I meet Iron Man 3 star and cookie cookbook writer Gwyneth Paltrow at her London home. She answers the door with a cardboard box on her head. ‘Get it?’ she giggles at my no doubt baffled expression. ‘I’m in Seven! Ha ha ha!’


I laugh warmly and , some might say, too loudly.

We settled down in the back kitchen with the beautiful London rain light falling through the tall French windows and turning everything a beautiful shade of posthumous. She offers me a delicious bowl of damp cotton and a glass of freshly squeezed sand.

So Gwyneth tell me about Iron Man 3? Was it fun working with Robert Downey Jr.?

To tell you the truth, I really don’t want to answer any questions about my private life and how I’ve suffered, not exactly like Jesus Christ nailed to a cross, or little children blinded in Bhopal, or starving in the Sudan, but, you know, close.

Right. So Iron Man 3. When can we expect a stand alone Pepper Potts movie? 

I made it very clear to Shane [Black] that I didn’t want to just be tied up and rescued on this one. I wanted to be a protagonist. A strong female role model. And he said okay. How about we tie you up and have you be rescued in your underwear? It was at that point I knew I was in safe hands. As for the stand alone movie it’s the first I heard about it [was when I read your wonderful article in the fabulous Studio Exec]. (CLICK HERE for that story.)

You’ve come in for quite a bit of criticism…

Let me stop you right there. I know exactly what you are going to say. My diets are not crazy and my children, Kiwi Fruit and Elijah Bumpkins, are perfectly normal.  

I was going to say for not being a very good actress.

Oh … well, that’s fair I suppose. Can I top you up there?

Gwyneth’s husbands

I move to put my hand over the glass but Gwyneth has already refilled it with white sand. ‘I insist on white sand and not yellow sand because of Elijah’s allergies,’ she tells me. ‘People criticize me for being too strict but my children – like all children – still eat the occasional bowl of gold flake caviar.’

And so what’s next?

I’m in a new film about Pablo Picasso. And I’m probably going to have another cook book out soon. Oh, and I’m still married to Coldplay.

To Chris Martin from Coldplay?

Yeah he’s one of them. And there’s a small film I did about sex addiction also coming out. Thanks for Sharing is the title I think.

When I say good bye to Gwyneth, I feel like I’ve learned a lot about this complex and intelligent woman, but I did wish she had taken that box off and I couldn’t shake the impression  that her voice had been very manly.

For all the Breakfasts CLICK HERE.


FLUFF AND THE NIVEN

Over the many years I’ve had the pleasure of toiling away in Hollywood it’s been an absolute joy to see so many wonderful actors at work, and Bobby Redford. All the greats have their quirks, Brando for example would never pronounce the letter ‘n’ in ‘botanical’, but maybe the strangest of all was dear old David Niven. 

“Niv” as I never called him could be a rum fish sometimes, and no mistake. Every Wednesday morning, regular as clockwork, he’d recite the alphabet in an Australian accent, drink a large gin and tonic, then change his socks. Don’t ask me why, he just did.
 Every August he’d go the whole month without blinking.
I particularly enjoyed his annual Players v Prancers charity croquet game when the leading lights of Hollywood took on the principal members of the Royal Ballet. One year he livened things up by unleashing a tiger that he borrowed from a nearby zoo. Sadly two of the dancers were mauled quite badly, but one can laugh about it now. That was Niven for you! I still remember that time when his next door neighbour had an appointment to see the optician and while he was out we painted his front door a different colour. Like I said, that was Niven for you!
 
As an actor he displayed an incredible range, playing everything from suave and debonair to debonair and suave, but maybe his finest performances were late at night in a little cocktail bar we used to know, when he’d sit at the piano and play us some of the old songs from before the war. I don’t mind admitting that I get a tear in my eye just thinking about him. If he was here right now I’d know he’d say ‘Neddy! Pull yourself together!’, and we’d  fly to Venice and steal a gondola or something, but we both had our passports seized at customs when we tried to smuggle those sacred artefacts back from Egypt. 
But that’s another story…

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 18. JEREMY IRONS

Santa Fe Skillet, coffee and OJ

Comments by leading British thespian and actor Jeremy Irons concerning same sex marriage caused consternation, anger but above all confusion yesterday, so we invited him into the Studio Exec office at Denny’s for a nice breakfast and to try and clarify some of his ideas.

So Jeremy, same sex marriage. Go!

All I said was that I worry about the name marriage and that same sex marriage is really a fight over that name and a father might be able to marry his son and dogs can’t look up.

Okay. But as a thespian surely you should support same sex marriage?

I don’t understand, why? Thespian is just another word for actor.

Is it? I thought it was two ladies who … oh okay.  Onto other issues. North Korea.

Good. Finally, something I have very clear ideas about. First I should say I support the deployment of Chuck Norris to Guam (for more on that story CLICK HERE). However, what are the root causes of this feeling of animosity and indeed bellicosity. I think the real trouble with the situation in North Korea is the shortage of ladders. If there were more ladders then the people of North Korea wouldn’t have to balance precariously on chairs while changing their light bulbs. No wonder they’re agitated when they look at America and see people using ladders willy-nilly. 

The global financial crisis.

Wow, they’re coming thick and fast. Okay. The crisis was initially caused by the fact people don’t wear hats any more. Not wearing hats led to the almost complete decimation of the hat stand making industry. Do you know how many hat stand makers there are in New York today? 23. Just 23. And as little as ten years ago there were 26! So you can see the problem. 

Climate change.

Here we have to distinguish between the words ‘climate’ and ‘weather’ and this is where – especially in America – the debate sometimes gets lost in confusion and cross talk. ‘Weather’ means when it rains and snows, and ‘climate’ we use when it’s sunny or windy. Sort that out and you’ve sorted out climate change.

Thank you Jeremy that was completely…

Hat stand. 

Quite. 

Jeremy Irons will be appearing.

For all the Breakfasts CLICK HERE..

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 17. DANNY BOYLE

Danny Boyle – director of such an eclectic range of films as Trainspotting, Slumdog Millionaire, 127 Hours, Sunshine, 28 Days Later and A Life Less Ordinary – is chopping bananas, kiwis, apples, crushing cranberries and dropping them all into a blender. ‘I’m making you one of my famous smoothies,’ he says, scratching himself with a free hand. ‘You have one of these and you can run a mile, chum!’

Once it’s done I taste it and say it’s very nice. Danny runs around the kitchen, punching the air in a victory dance. ‘I’m simply the best,’ he sings at the top of his little lungs.

So Danny what’s all this about Trainspotting 2?

I’m done thinking up new shit. I’m all out of ideas. Think about it. I’ve worked in every genre: science fiction with Sunshine, horror with 28 Days Later, straight drama, Bollywood. I’ve even worked in the shit Cameron Diaz film genre with A Life Less Ordinary. Well, that’s it I can’t do it any more. From now on, I’m just making sequels. Do you want some more?

Yes please. So what do you have planned?

After Trainspotting 2, I’m going to do Sunshine 2, Slumdog Billionaire and 254 Hours. Then I’m going to direct the Olympics 2.

But the Olympics will be in …

Yeah, whatever. I haven’t thought that far ahead. There you go. I put a little of my secret stuff in there. What people don’t understand about the Olympics is I really wanted the Queen to be in it, I mean the actual Queen, but they just gave me some hammy old stand in, not even my second choice Helen Mirren. 

No, that was the actual Queen. 

 Bloody Nora. I made a pass at her. 

What are your plans for Trainspotting?

Ewan MacGregor has given me a lot of input, but he’s a catholic priest now (for more on that story CLICK HERE) so he’s asking we clean it up a lot and cast younger male leads. Other than that I have pressure from Irvine Welsh that he be given a larger acting role. And the Americans want the characters to go to the States. Some have suggested that our heroes accidentally buy a zoo, rather than use heroin. As long as we’re true to the spirit of the original, I’ll do anything.

Abruptly, I need to get to the bathroom and when I emerge Danny is gone and I have lost two stone.

For all the Breakfasts CLICK HERE.

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES 16: BEN AFFLECK

MALIBU – Ben Affleck bounces into the breakfast bar of the Hilton and glances around at the assembled diners before passing through the room stopping to shakes hands and say hello to each and every one.

He calls each one by name and asks after their kids, pets, or various skin diseases. One would think he was trying to win an election, but no, this is just Ben – Big Ben as he prefers to be known – the man who once called himself ‘the Next Sean Penn, but with J-Lo and he had… I want to say Madonna?’

So Fleckers! You’re in a buoyant mood. What gives?

Am I? I suppose I am. No reason. Oh could I have the grapefruit and just a a slice of whole meal bread lightly toasted with unsalted butter. 

The waiter smiles and Affleck tells him to Ar-go fuck yourself. The whole room bursts into applause. Ben jerks up right and suddenly starts thanking his father, mother, Matt Damon, George Clooney for believing in him, before catching himself and sitting down again.

Sorry. Force of habit. Where were we? 

You seem happy. 

I cannot lie it has been a good year. But I can’t take all the credit. George Clooney believed in me and the scriptwriter Chris Terrio, God knows how he dreams up these stories. It’s just like the most incredible imagination.

It was based on a true story.

Get the fuck out of here.

It was.

You’re shitting me. Seriously. Wow! I mean wow. 

Just then breakfast arrives and Ben busies himself with the business end of the toast.

I suppose that’s what all those questions were about. Now it all makes sense. Well, there you go. Wait a minute does that mean… was Pearl Harbor also … was that based…

On a true story, yes.

Motherfucker! Really? Christ, and there’s me thinking how clever these writers are and they’re just copying this shit down from like life. 

That’s an art in itself.

Yeah right. What about Armageddon? No, but seriously, was Armageddon a true story?

No that was a made up story. 

I knew that one. Michael Bay. Now there’s a genius for making shit up. Oh wait. Ben picks up his phone and speed dials Michael Bay. Hey Mike. Got a thought for you Armageddon 2 put this line in: Ar-ma gedding out of here!  Yeah right.

What did he say?

He told me to go fuck myself.

Ar-go fuck yourself?
Ben looked at me with tears in his eyes.
‘No,’ he whispered. ‘Just go fuck yourself.’

For all the Breakfasts CLICK HERE.

FIFTY SHADES OF FLUFFER



Hollywood is a beautiful town, full of beautiful people and Lee Van Cleef. But it has its ugly side and the name of that ugly side is prejudice. George Kennedy has warned me not to speak out. ‘Neddy,’ he said, ‘don’t bite the hand that feeds you,’ but something must be said and I’m the man who’s going to say it. I’ve seen racism and I didn’t like it. I’ve regularly been accused of sexism. But there’s a new ‘ism’ that we must get some do-gooder, maybe George Clooney, to organize a telethon about, and that is ageism. My name is Sir Edwin Fluffer, and this is my story.


Whenever I get a phone call from my agent, Julius ‘Gripper’ Levy, I’m always filled with excitement unless it’s about one of my ex-wives wanting money. This time he had an audition for me. ‘It’s based on a book,’ he said. ‘There’s no script as such, but lots of nudity.’ It sounded quite arty to me and already I could hear dear Tommy Hanks saying those immortal words ‘and the Academy Award goes to…’. The picture was called Fifty Shades of Grey, which is exactly the sort of project a veteran of stage and screen like myself should be involved in after missing out on both The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel and Quartet. I rolled up to the audition ready to give them the first act from my one man-touring version of Chicago, but before I’d even said a word the producer took one look at me and said that word every actor hates to hear: next! I just picked up my trousers and left.
I don’t mind not getting the part, even if ‘Twinky’ Redford ends up doing it. I don’t mind that I could hear them sniggering and saying ‘wasn’t that Edwin Fluffer?’ as I left. But I do mind not even being given the chance to show them what I could do. After all the years I’ve given to this industry I thought that common courtesy was the least I deserve, but apparently I was wrong. I’ll bounce back, like I bounced back after they got Dick Burton to replace me in Cleopatra. And next time I won’t get mad, I’ll get even. 
I got mad when Paul Newman ate the boiled eggs I’d brought for my lunch on Cool Hand Luke, but that’s another story…

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 15. SEAN PENN

Eggs (over easy), bacon, ham, pork sausages, ham, coffee, whisky (drunk from broken bottle)

He has long been one of the most intelligent voices in Hollywood. His obvious talent was sometimes hidden in the glare of the publicity afforded him by his hi-profile relationship with a beautiful pop star and his own occasional excesses. As the years have gone by, he has moved into character acting and directing his own films which each give his own idiosyncratic take on the American dream. Unfortunately Ben Affleck couldn’t make it this morning and at a pinch I just happened to run into Sean Penn.

So Sean Gangster Squad? What the fuck?

The idea was interesting. Mickey Cohen and all that period in LA. I really thought it was time as well to make a new version of the gangster genre and I loved Ruben Fleischer’s work on erm… the Jimmy Kimmel show and … er… Oh Zombieland was good. Wasn’t it?

Are you looking on IMDB?

Fuck you! But yes. 

Okay so, The Tree of Life Sean, what the fuck? 

Now listen, Terry Malick is genius and I’d go to the ends of the earth for him. Of course, when I told him that I assumed he’d realize I was talking figuratively. Instead he actually sent me to the Gobi desert to wander around in an Armani suit.

It must have been hell.

Armani’s suits are a bit tight around the crotch but … oh you mean the desert? Yeah. Plus not a fuck did I know about what I was doing in that film. I mean seriously.

And so Sean, This Must Be the Place, what the fuck?

Oh, come on that was good. I had a ball making that and I really respect Paolo [Sorrentino], he’s an artist. You have to understand  I’m a risk taker and sometimes those risks don’t pay off. I’m the guy who is out there on the edge.

So what’s your next project?

I’m doing Prone Gunmen with the guy who made Taken and Danny the Dog

Seriously? What the fuck!

For all the Breakfasts CLICK HERE.

  

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 14: STEVEN SODERBERGH

Rice Krispies, Coco-pops, Cornflakes, Shredded Wheat, Weet-a-bix, porridge, orange juice, cranberry juice, tomato juice, all in unsatisfyingly small portions

Steven Soderbergh looks exhausted. He answers the door in his robe and he’s the ghost of the man I met all those years ago at Sundance, the bright young thing who had just made Sex, Lies and Videotapes. ‘I have some dreadful news,’ he opens before I’ve chosen my weapon from the mini-bar of breakfast cereal he’s arranged from me.
‘Oh, God! Ocean’s 14?’ I ask, trying to keep the terror from my voice.

‘No,’ said Soderbergh. ‘I’m retiring. I’m done. Side Effects will be my last film.’ 
‘Oh what a relief!’
‘What?’
‘I mean that’s terrible.’
‘Yes, it is terrible.’
I munch my coco-pops. ‘It’s like when you retired before Contagion and then again after Out of Sight. What was your favourite retirement?’
‘Probably right after Kafka… No, wait, what do you mean? I’ve never retired before this is the … what are you implying?’
‘No you’re right, this is very sad,’ I make a start on the Rice Krispies. ‘Why are you retiring this time… I mean, now?’
‘The lack of respect for directors is the main reason,’ says Soderbergh.
I hold up a finger so I can hear the snap, crackle and pop. ‘Go on,’ I tell him.
‘Yes, the … er … respect for directors, it just isn’t there any more. When I was making Haywire there were so many people trying to second guess me, like did I want someone who could actually act in the lead? they’d say. As if that was an accident. I mean they were right but still it hurt my feelings. It was The Girlfriend Experience all over again. Other people said I should have put some jokes in The Informant! and Full Frontal, you know, to let the audience know they were comedies.’
‘I see.’ I munch meditatively. ‘So that’s it? You’re out?’
‘Definitely. And it’s such a pity because I had so many projects lined up. Benico was on board for Che Part 3: The T-Shirt and of course I don’t feel I’ve got right to the bottom of the Danny Ocean saga. Maybe I could be persuaded if the terms were right…’
‘No, Steve I think you’ve done the right thing.’
I’m backing toward the door now.
‘If I was deified or a city was named after me … I’ve always wanted to make a porn film in which all the actors were really ugly, and me and Clooney have been talking about remaking Tarkovsky’s Stalker. Making it zippy though.’
‘No, that’s it Steve. Retirement. I got it. Bye.’
He’s running after me down the street, the robe flapping. ‘Wait, wait, I’ve changed my mind.’

For all the Breakfasts CLICK HERE.

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 13: KATHRYN BIGELOW

Bacon and eggs, toast, waffles, grits, grapefruit juice, sleep deprivation and water-boarding.

Kathryn Bigelow invites me in. Her kitchen is full of sunlight and there is a radio on. She looks a little frazzled what with the controversy surrounding her latest film Zero Dark Thirty. ‘Do you think making these films about the military – Hurt Locker and Zero Dark Thirty – have changed you in anyway?’ I ask.
‘Sir, no sir!’ she barks.

To my surprise we continue through the kitchen and into the basement, where Kathryn shows me the way to what looks like a cell. Concrete walls and a small cot. Before I know what’s happened, Kathryn has me changed into an orange boiler suit and a bag is taped over my face.
‘Did you like the film?’ she asks. ‘What did you think of Chastain?’
‘She was great,’ I cried. ‘And Mark Strong’s accent was flawless.’
Before I knew it I was being leant backward over what felt like an ironing board. And something qwas poured over my face. I gasped for breath.
‘What about Point Break?’ she said. ‘What did you think of Swayze?’
‘He’s …’ I gasped. How could I say what I really thought? ‘He’s …’
‘WHAT?’
‘A limited actor with a vague iconic presence.’
The bag is off and I’m gasping for air. She offers me a cigarette. ‘You okay?’
I nod shivering and spluttering.
‘What do you think? Does Zero Dark Thirty advocate torture?’ she asks, as she fetches coffee.
‘Well, there’s definitely an ambiguity there,’ I say. ‘What are those wires?’
When I finish bucking and jerking and the last shivers of agonizing electricity finds its way out of my body, I scream through clenched teeth, ‘You were just objectively trying to tell a story in a very difficult period in history.’
She plays it back. And then has me sign the release. And we go upstairs for waffles.

For all the Breakfasts CLICK HERE.

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 12. JODIE FOSTER

Toast, wheat-germ, yoghurt, orange juice, kiwi fruit, snot. 

Golden Glober, actress, director and Mel Gibson’s last friend, Jodie Foster agreed to an EXCLUSIVE  interview with Studio Exec on the condition we did not bring up her sexuality or any issues relating to her private life.

So you’re gay?

I already did my coming out about a thousand years ago back in the Ice Age. 

I didn’t know you were in Ice Age. Who did you play? 

I was a fragile girl and I came out to my friends and my family and gradually to everyone I knew. You see the thing is there is so much intolerance in this world. People should not be judged on their sexuality, religion or race. As my good friend Mel Gibson once said, ‘We’re all assholes in the dark.’

You’ve made many wonderful films and worked with some great directors. Who do you think was the best?
Phew. Good question. Glad we finished with all that stuff about my private life. It’s a relief. I mean these days we’re just so obsessed with what really is no one’s business. Whatever you do between consenting adults is entirely up to you. Enough already with the prying and the exposure. As I said in my speech that was televised to millions of viewers around the world, I am not Honey Boo Boo. 

But the director who…?

Oh yes… well. The director of Little Man Tate taught me a lot. 

Which was you?

Yeah well, I taught myself a lot. I learned that deep in the sanctity of my life, my inner being if you will, there is something precious that needs protecting. Regrets for instance.

Is there anything you regret in your career?

Maverick

For all the Breakfasts CLICK HERE.