The Queen – Top Five Films

Exclusive – The Queen – Top Five Films. The Studio Exec sat down with Liz Regina to talk about her love of movies, revealing The Queen’s top Five Films. 



The Queen – Top Five Films – 1: Flesh Gordon

“I told that mouthy sod, Brian Blessed that I loved Flesh Gordon, not Flash Gordon. Perhaps he would’ve heard me if he could keep his mouth shut for longer than a second. Why would he think I’d like a film about an out of date monarch who is overthrown by his subjects and a bloody asylum seeker? I’ve always loved 80s soft porn. So, back in the day, I would send Phillip, gawd bless him, out to the video shop down the road from Horse Guard’s Parade to rent it for me. In his name, naturally. One does have one’s reputation to maintain, you know.”

The Queen – Top Five Films – 2: 120 Days Of Sodom

“Whenever one needs cheering up or could just do with a damned good laugh, we throw this beauty on. It’s about these jolly aristocrats with a terrific sense of humor who play all sorts of pranks and jokes on these lower class youths. It’s like Jackass, but with more shit being eaten by the working classes… hilarious!”

3: The Pope Must Die

“It’s a firm family favorite, because of the title alone. After I’ve done the speech on Christmas Day, we all settle down for this hilarious fantasy. If only, eh?”

4: The Queen

“It’s all about a terrible time in one’s life when one was played by that dreadful West End bohemian, Helen Mirren. Because I didn’t shoot a stag, it means I’m really a decent person and everybody loves one.”

5: Lolita

“I never used to see what my middle son Andrew, saw in the film, but I’ve caught him watching it countless times. It must be very funny, because he always has sweat running down his big red face whenever one walks in on him watching it.”

So gawd bless her, cor blimey, watcher guv.

MY FAVORITE FILM: BERNIE SANDERS

WASHINGTON – Good day to you good folks. My name is Bernie Sadners and I’m here because the American people are sick and tired of other people’s favorite films.

Films like Wall Street and The Wolf of Wall Street, films that are for, about and by the one percent and they want instead a film that speaks tot he American middle class who have seen gross income inequality on the rise for the last two decades and no one do anything about it. I believe in a cinema for the people, about the people and by the people. Films that reflect the plight or ordinary men and women, ordinary Americans and it is for this reason that I have chosen Sex and the City 2.

I know what you’re thinking. But Bernie, Bernie, surely Sex and the City is the far superior film! But my friends I am not here to make popular choices, to kowtow to lobbyists and vested interests. I am here to speak from the heart about what I see in the world and the best cinematic art that represents that and Carrie and her friends in Sex and the City 2 show us how good -humored camaraderie can defeat even the most repressive of regimes, utilizing good fashion sense and etc.

In many ways these are worthless individuals, consumers who know nothing of the world, but their trip to Abu Dhabi gives them a political education. Samantha ostentatious sex drive causes the Arab Spring for instance and Carrie begins to understand the plight of the low paid workers of the world. Their superficial apprehension of the world around them is deepened and yet they still retain an essential American verve and vim. It is funny and those ladies are easy on the eye. I’ll say!

Many have claimed that my socialism, my status as a progressive is un-American, but I would put it to them Sex and the City 2 proves that America can be just as good as Denmark if not a little better.

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MY FAVORITE FILM: HILLARY CLINTON

WASHINGTON – Hello, my name is Hillary Clinton and the Studio Exec, a very close friend of my husband, has asked my if I will choose my favorite film and write about.

I suppose the first thing I have to say is that it is not Black Hawk Down; and it isn’t You’ve Got Mail. So let’s nip that rumor in the bud right away. No, my favorite film has to be Back to the Future. I just think the film is charming. Marty McFly, played by the wonderful Michael J. Fox, is just an average school kid who loves skateboarding, playing his guitar and listening to top youth music band Huey Lewis and the News. However, when he is sent back in time by Doc Brown, played by Christopher Lloyd who I already loved from Taxi, he inadvertently prevents his mother and father from meeting. Somehow he must arrange their first kiss otherwise he will cease to exist.

Back to the Future is undoubtedly the finest time travel movie ever made. I think what I love about it is that it shows that you can escape the past and you don’t have to be beholden to mistakes you might have made a long time ago. There is something exhilarating in seeing George McFly, Marty’s father, becoming a different person under his son’s tutelage. What if the fifties could learn from the eighties? the film seems to ask. In my own situation, sure there are mistakes I wish I could rectify that would change who I am today, but at the same time I am who I am because of the road that brought me here.

It’s also interesting to see how prescient the film is. Middle Eastern terrorists are a risk, but so is the local bully Biff. Technology is amazing with flying cars predicted as well and here we are and we almost have them. So the lesson seems to be you can go back in time, tinker a little bit and in that way fix the present. And I am the candidate who best represents that idea.

For more Favorite Films, Click HERE.

MY FAVORITE FILM: DONALD TRUMP

NEW YORK: Hey everybody. I guess Donald Trump doesn’t need to go around introducing himself anymore, because everyone already knows who I am. I am Donald Trump, Reality TV star, business tycoon and the next President of the United States of Trumpania.

When my good friend the Studio Exec asked me to write a film review of my favorite film, I couldn’t help but wonder why someone hadn’t asked me to write one before. I’m the best at writing filming reviews because when I watch a film I know if it is good, or if it is bad instantly. As I’m watching it. I can even tell from just reading who is it in it. Before I even see it. But the question was what was my favorite film? That’s a good question. At first I thought The Bible! But then I realized that was a private matter and I wans’t even sure there was a film called The Bible. So then I realized my favorite is Alan Parker’s musical Pink Floyd: The Wall.

I know what you’re thinking. Brilliant choice Mr. Trump. Oh and can I have a job? Yes, I know it’s a brilliant choice. I made it. And talk to my people. I’m not dealing with hiring at the moment.

Pink Floyd: The Wall is about a guy called Pink – I know clever right – who builds this beautiful wall. I mean you should see it. White bricks – that’s not racist, but they are the best bricks – nice and tall, no beautiful door in it but still you can see where I’m going. So that’s the issue of illegals dealt with. But Pink Floyd: The Wall includes pretty much a policy document for me.

We Don’t Need No Education: that’s my education policy. The University of Life is enough for anyone with the smarts to make it in the real world.

Mother, do you think they’ll drop the bomb? Not if we drop it first and the Chinese know full well that I’m the kind of guy to do it!

Is there anybody out there? Yes, thousands of raping Mexicans. That’s why Pink builds the wall.

Does Anybody Here Remember Vera Lynn? Yes, World War Two forces sweet heart. What do I win?

Comfortably Numb: In two words my ideal electorate!

Pink builds himself a Tea Party-esque political movement and gets a haircut, which was long overdue. Though there is some lightness when he accidentally cuts his eyebrows off as well.

My only criticism of the film is that at the end they ‘bring down the wall’. That is dumb! Who would build a wall, spend their whole life building the wall only to tear it down at the end? Probably John McCain! Am I right?

For more Favorite Films, Click HERE.

MY FAVORITE FILM: CHRIS CHRISTIE

NEW JERSEY – Yeah, you thought it was Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, didn’t you? Or Super Size Me, eh? I know how you think, you shmucks! Well, it ain’t.

It’s the Joel Schumacher 1993 drama Falling Down starring everyone’s favourite canyon yodeller, Michael Douglas. What an actor! What a guy! You know here’s the guy who has uncovered the threat that the Chinese pose in The China Syndrome, as well as the Japanese in Black Rain; how dangerous wives are in Battle of the Roses; lovers are in Fatal Attraction and lesbians in Basic Instinct. He ticks my boxes. I’ll tell you.  

What do I like abut this film? What’s not to like! The film follows a day in the life of a defence contractor, who one day abandons his car in the middle of what can only be described as Fellini-esque traffic jam. Yeah Fellini-esque! Yeah, I know Fellini. You turn off the after the bridge and tell him Chris sent you. Get the spicy sausage with the stuffed crust. It’s Neo-Real! Ha ha!


Anyway as he makes his way through Los Angeles, Mr. Douglas basically comes across political correctness gone crazy, immigrants, crime gone mad, police helpless and he goes a bit Zimmerman on their asses. No, not Bob you assholes. George. This is so humiliating. 

The best thing about the film – and everyone agrees – is the opening scene which is like this Dante vision of hell as a traffic jam. All those LA assholes broiling in this absolute Carmageddon! It makes you happy to live in the Garden State. Where such a thing could never happen. 

My second favourite film is Weekend by Jean Luc Godard. It’s like Falling Down but with tons of garlic.

For more Favorite Films, Click HERE.

MY FAVORITE FILM: BEN CARSON

WASHINGTON – Hi Everyone! Ben Carson here. Doctor, Presidential candidate for the GOP and, for one day only, film critic!

My Favorite Film has to be Quentin Tarantino’s superb Second World War film Inglourious Basterds! Why do I like it? Well set a while and I’ll tell you.

In a word: realism! Sure Saving Private Ryan has a visceral quality in its opening twenty minutes or so. And Terrence Malick’s The Thin Red Line has a philosophical weight, bolstered as it is by a Rousssean appreciation of the natural universe. But Tarantino is the only one who really strips away the myths of the Second World War and actually shows you what happened. For reals. So here we see how a crack squad of Jews, armed to the teeth with GUNS, snuck into Nazi occupied France sewed terror in the hearts of the Wehrmacht before finally assassinating Hitler in a Parisian Cinema as the Führer sat there thinking he was all that.

Of course it wasn’t all plain sailing. The dumb ass Brit almost f*cks it up for everyone by ordering the drinks wrong with his stupid British fingers, but the good old US of A manages to rescue the day.

One can’t help but wonder if only the Europeans had owned firearms freely before the Nazis took power then all this awfulness would never have happened. A few dead college students, school children and what not are a small price to pay for the freedoms we win when we own assault weapons privately.

The other bonus of this film is seeing Christoph Waltz and Brad Pitt acting together. They’re great. I knew them when they had a comedy double act outside of Poughkeepsie called the Rambling Rogers. Boy were they funny. And little Eli Roth, riddling Hitler and Goebbels with bullets! It just goes to show torture porn has its uses. If only the same could be said for Planned Parenthood. Ha ha! But of course I’m joking.

For more Favorite Films, Click HERE.

MY FAVORITE FILM: DONALD STERLING

HOLLYWOOD – Hi, Everyone! Donald Sterling here. Formerly owner of the… well never mind. Still makes me sad to think about it.

Anyhoot, I’m not here to talk about matters relating to my recent troubles. Rather I want to escape and what better way to escape than by escaping into the darkness of the old Movie House. And this is one of my favorite films into which I wish to escape.
Soul Man is a HILARIOUS comedy. It was made in 1986 but it still holds up today. If anything, it is more relevant now than it was then. 

Mark Watson – played by the Daniel Day Lewis of his day C. Thomas Howell – has got a place at Harvard to study law, but because of his feckless father can’t afford the fees and so resorts to a blacks only scholarship which he wins by taking tanning pills to make himself eligible. Ha HA HA HA! I’m laughing just thinking about it. 

But as well as being a knock down funny hilarity fest, Soul Man has a very serious point to make about racial intolerance. You see, why should there be black only scholarships? Isn’t that the worst racism of all? Worse than racism against anybody else? Worse than slavery even? I mean, if people are racist to white people, what is the world coming to? White people aren’t used to it. We can’t ‘jive talk’ our way out of it, or dance well, or any of those other attributes which our dark skinned brothers can profit by as well as their ‘scholarships’. Soul Man is in some ways the most serious films I’ve ever seen. As well as being hilarious.

For more Favorite Films CLICK HERE.  

MY FAVORITE FILM: VLADIMIR PUTIN

MOSCOW – Hi Everybody! It’s me Vladimir Putin, Judo/Action star, best friends with Gerard Depardieu and … oh I run this little country called Russia, ha ha ha! No, seriously, it is actually very big.

We’re having this Winter Olympics thing with the skiing, the luge, the figure skating I don’t like so much. So to help drum up publicity my friend the Studio Exec said I could talk about my favorite film. So here goes.

Brokeback Mountain is a fantastic movie. First of all I love Westerns. Men in the wilderness being men. Looking after sheep (in this case) and spending Man time together, looking at the Manscape. They’re both married so that’s fine, but they are so manly they don’t really have much interest in their wives. As we say in Russia, “Only gays kiss girls!”

I love the actors. Jake Gyllenhaal is great, I really loved Donnie Darko as well, but in this he is better. He has such dark eyes. You really feel you could swim in them and I don’t know… sink beneath the surface of their moist sadness into a soft dream. And Heath Ledger is great! Wow, he can act. I liked him as the Joker as well. What happened to him? He’s so talented. Why isn’t he in more films?

I’m not quite sure what the story is really about. To be perfectly frank, I’m often so tired from running a police state, abusing human rights and wrestling other men while wearing what could be described as pyjamas until we’re all sweaty and spent, I often nod off during a film and Brokeback Mountain does have this soothing music. Randy Quaid is in it as well. He’s fantastic though he looks like he didn’t get paid enough. 

All I know is that Brokeback Mountain is a healthy invigorating film, about life in the great outdoors. It has two fine young men in it, who stand boldly erect as models of pure virtuous manliness. And there’s also a sadness because, naturally, one of them dies and life is hard. I can never watch this film without being deeply moved in a manly way. Anyway, those minorities are not going to repress themselves. I’ve enjoyed talking about ‘My Favorite Film’. 

Do Svidaniya! 

For more Favorite Films, Click HERE.

MY FAVORITE FILM: MICHAEL BAY

I know this is going to surprise some of you – hell, it surprised me – but my all time favorite film has to be Tokyo Story by the Japanese master of cinema Yasujiro Ozu. I saw this film when I was fifteen years old and it totally blew my mind. 

A retired couple come to Tokyo to spend some time with their children, though their kids are too busy to spend much time with them. The exception is their widowed daughter-in-law, who treats them with consideration and respect. The story is sleight (it’s actually based on an American film funnily enough) but the performances are beautifully done, the framing is exquisite with Ozu creating a series of magic boxes to pry into and the quiet power of the film is touching beyond words.

When I was working on Transformers 2 and I was in some trouble, I sat down and re-watched Tokyo Story. As a matter of fact, I’ve done this before I make every film I’ve made: Armageddon, Pearl Harbor and Bad Boys II. It’s a terrible mistake. I watch it and I weep for hours afterwards, in the shower, with the water on full blast, fully clothed. I scream until my voice is hoarse and then when I’m exhausted and there’s nothing more I can do, I clean up, go out to the set and carry on making the cinematic equivalent of diarrehtic faeces, happy in the knowledge that no one will ever compare my films to Tokyo Story.  

MY FAVORITE FILM: GEORGE CLOONEY














It’s a toss up between 12 Angry Men and The Descendants. 12 Angry Menbecause it’s a moral masterpiece that is pretty much as perfect as film making gets. As for The Descendants, I’ll have to come clean here and admit that it came about as result of a bet between Alex Payne and I that we could make a terrible movie and yet dumbass critics would fall over themselves to praise its genius.

Let’s start with the directing. Pedestrian at best. The script. Tedious. obvious crap and don’t even get me started on the acting. Okay I was trying to be bad but I was shocked that I can sink that low. I even got a little depressed about it and considered seeing a therapist, but, after a hot cup of Nespresso (available now from all quality retailers), my anguish was relieved by a sudden injection of delicious liquid caffeine. Some believe there’s a conflict of interests between my work with poverty stricken children in Darfur and my decision to take money from an alleged baby killing, water stealing, slave labor endorsing company like Nestle; all I can say to that is, hey, talk to my agent.

Anyway back to the diabolical Descendants. Todd McCarthy of the Hollywood Reporter called it “A splendid Comedy-drama”. No Todd. No. Lay off the crack. Peter Bradshaw of the Guardian said it “…holds a promise of gentleness that is fulfilled, and a promise of complexity that isn’t.” Utter gibberish but my personal favorite review came from Nigel Andrews of the Financial Times who exclaimed “The saving notes are the film’s minutiae. There are dialogue moments in Payne’s drollest, enemies-on-edge style.”. You know I have no f*cking idea what he’s talking about but I’m 100% certain it’s bulls*it.

We were pleased that we fooled the critics but when the awards started coming in, it just got embarrassing. Alex and I had planned to make a trilogy of bad films and we’d started working on the second, a real piece of crap, but we both got waylaid with other projects so I handed the film over to Ben Affleck and that’s the story of how Argo was conceived.

MY FAVORITE FILM: SEAN PENN

HOLLYWOOD – Favorite films gives film makers, actors and famous people the chance to talk about the films that have inspired them to be who they are, do what they do, or simply enjoy an evening out when they’re trying not to go out. This week: Sean Penn.

What’s my favorite film? What a stupid f*cking question. That’s like asking me if I prefer scrambled eggs or poached eggs. I don’t even f*cking like eggs. Wait a minute. I do, I like fried eggs but not on toast they have to be on their own. No salt. 
Tim Robbins, the prick, he likes boiled eggs which just goes to show what kind of man he is. I could have had his role in The Shawshank Redemption. They asked me first but I told them to go f*ck themselves. I wanted him to get struck by lightning as soon as he escaped. That would have been more realistic. He spends twenty years trying to get out and as soon as he does, boom, he gets zapped and the message would have been hope is futile because sh*t happens. I like that. It’s gritty.
 
I’d have gone that way with Batman too. His parents get whacked, all very f*cking tragic and he spends all this time learning to fight crime and making his suit and whatever and the first day he goes out on the job he gets shot in the head. Bang! He’s a vegetable. Spends the rest of his days drooling in his wheelchair and eating baby food through a straw. Alfred puts his head in the oven because the stress of being a full time carer gets too much for him to cope with. That’s art, baby. That’s social f*cking commentary.
 
I used to love De Niro. Taxi Driver, Deer Hunter. Films about men doing manly things. You can smell the f*cking testosterone, but he’s a joke now. A joke without a f*cking punchline. I was on a plane and I caught the Big Wedding. It made me want to vomit so I got the pilot to divert the plane to New York, got off, took a taxi to De Niro’s, knocked on his door and when he answered it, I punched him in the head. I left but then I remembered Righteous Kill so I went back and punched him in the head again. Now I can’t go within 500 yards of the prick. F*ck him. Anyway what was the question, what is my favorite egg?.What a stupid f*cking question. Go f*ck yourself.
 

Sean Penn will star in The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty due for release on Dec 26 2013.

MY FAVORITE FILM: GEORGE ZIMMERMAN

HOLLYWOOD – Vigilante and film fan George Zimmerman chooses his favorite movie.

Robocop 2. Man that’s a great film. It’s like Robocop 1 but twice better.
Peter Weller is a hero of mine and when I grew up my bedroom was like a shrine dedicated to him. I had some posters of him in his Robocop costume but mostly he was just dressed in normal clothes. It was pretty hard to get hold of Peter Weller memorabilia so I decided to open the Peter Weller Fan Club to see if I could find some other people who liked him too and we could share stuff. That’s how I met my friend Osaka, a  42 year old Japanese woman who lived with her parents. She loved Peter almost as much as I do and she sent me some rare photographs of him. One was a nude photograph of her wearing a Peter Weller mask which was kinda cool. I used to carry it in my wallet but when I got married my wife said it was inappropriate.
 
I actually met Peter once. I had been waiting outside his house in my car for like, five days or something and I saw him walk up to his gate so I ran out to get his autograph. He looked a little shocked but I explained that I was the founder of his fan club and he was my hero. Anyway he signed some posters and I took a picture of him and me hugging. That picture has been copied and is now hanging in every room in my house. My wife doesn’t like it but she knows if it’s a choice between her and Peter, then I choose Peter.
 
Some say Robocop 1 is the best of the series and sure it’s good. But Peter was very uncomfortable in the original suit and the idea of him in pain makes me sad. In the sequel, his suit was made of fibre glass and he was much happier. 
 
Sometimes on my days off, I still park outside of his house and try and see him but he doesn’t go out much any more. I also try to call him three or four times a day but his number seems to be out of order. I hope he is all right. I think next week I’ll climb over his fence and knock on his door just to make sure he’s still alive. 
 
The fan club is still going but since Osaka died it’s just me and this old German guy who cannot write in English. He sent me a nude photograph of himself wearing a Peter Weller mask which was nice but I must admit I preferred Osaka’s. I really wish I had gotten to meet her. She was my very best friend in the whole world. 

One Star, * Peter.  

MY FAVORITE FILM: MAGGIE SMITH

HOLLYWOOD – My Favorite Film gives actors and film makers a chance to talk about what they love at the cinema. Today, Maggie Smith. 

Although I do enjoy acting in films – you might have seen me in those wretched Harry Potter efforts or that pile of wiffle waffle The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel – I much prefer to sit at home with a nice milky cup of tea, my pet moggy on my lap and a plate of ginger snap biscuits to hand and watch my favourite movie: A Serbian Film.

It came out in 2010 and caused quite the stir, with its scenes of sexual violence and torture, but the acting is exquisite and many of the jokes provoke what Brian Blessed used to call ‘belly laughs’. The story revolves around an out of work actor of adult entertainment – I know we lovies simply adore films that explore ‘the Craft’ – who is lured back to the world of red light cinema to make a film of simply hilarious brutality. 

Many seem shocked by A Serbian Film on its release and some even spoke of banning it, to which I say ‘piffle!’ If you’d shared a dressing room with Helen Mirren and Judi Dench – as I have -then you would think the scenes in the film depicted nothing stronger than a teddy bear’s picnic. The value of the film comes from its political anger at the present state of Serbia, and it also has lashings of gory fun!

Five Stars *****