CANNES 2022 – The Studio Exec Cannes Must See List is as much a part of the festival as Lars Von Trier making a dick of himself or paying 6000Euros to stay in a broom closet that smells of piss. Let us guide you through the must-see events and highlights of this year’s festival. Trip the light fantastic with our Cannes Must See List.
No Cannes Boo!
No trip to Cannes would be complete without a boo and a walkout by some overentitled journalist. They probably only claim to be a film critic so they can stay in their sister in law’s Gites outsides Cannes on a free holiday. If you don’t see at least one film with boos and walkouts, you’re not doing it right.
Let’s Get Ready To Rumble
With last year’s red carpet showdown between Jodie Foster and Adam Driver a thing of the past, Cannes has a reputation to upkeep. After the fallout of what many are calling SmithRock at this year’s Oscars, speculation is rife over who will see red on the red carpet. Will it be Jane Campion facing off with Power Of The Dog naysayer, Sam Eliot? Or will Hollywood’s Scrappydoo, Tom Cruise be saying ‘Lemme at ‘em’ while a 5ft 9” bodyguard effortlessly holds him back from anyone who ‘gives him evils’.
Car Crash Press Conferences
Which ego-maniacal director will go off at the deep end and declare their empathy for the Nazis this year? Good ol’ Lars Von Sneer set the bar pretty low several years ago with his lunatic ramblings, apologies and retracted apologies. As long as supply channels of cocaine remain open in the south of France, chances are, he won’t be the last. By the way, is Mel Gibson going this year? Just asking for a friend.
Cannes Must See Shopping List
Whatever you watch at this year’s festival, you’re bound to bump into journalists. They’ll be easy to spot. They’ll be the ones that look like Henry Kissinger on meth. They’ll stink of free wine and struggle to carry all their giftbags from studios whose films they’ll impartially review. Have a great festival everyone, they sure will.
The Annual Cannes Film Festival Takes Place At Cannes Every Year.
BREAKING NEWS: Adam Driver & Jodie Foster have got this year’s Cannes Film Festival off to an explosive start when they got into a fist fight after the Annette red carpet premiere.
Adam Driver & Jodie Foster Let’s Get Ready To Rumble
In shocking scenes after the red carpet premiere of Annette, the star of the film, Adam Driver & Jodie Foster got into a fist fight. Movie legend, Jodie, was attending as she will receive an honorary award later during the glamorous festival. Insults were exchanged when Foster started trash-talking Driver about his wall punch scene in his film Marriage Story.
Festival goers said they could see trouble was coming during the film as Driver and Foster could be seen knocking back can after can of strong Caribbean beer, Red Stripe. The cinema floor was littered with cans by the time everyone stood to give the film a standing ovation. Driver can be seen smoking cigarettes and Foster was just laughing as she tossed empty beer cans Driver’s way.
Foster – ‘He’s A Little Bitch’
It was at the premiere party when things really got nasty. Foster began trash-talking Driver about him punching like ‘A little bitch’ in Marriage Story and accused him of using a fake paper wall. Driver, who was slurring his words and swaying all over the place launched a foul mouthed counter-attack at Foster, claiming that she was anything but ‘The Brave One’ referring to her performance in the Neil Jordan film.
‘Fuck Off Back In Your Panic Room’
Things turned violent when Driver told Foster to ‘Fuck off back in your panic room and leave stardom to the professionals’. Foster punched Driver square in the face and sent him across the red carpet. She then told Driver that ‘You’ll need more than a fucking lightsaber to go toe to toe with me, bitch’. Driver lurched back at her and she grabbed him by the arm. She put him in an armlock slapped his ass and repeatedly called him a bitch. Foster pushed him onto the ground and started taunting him by asking how many Oscars he had.
Leave Her Adam, She Aint Worth It
Driver’s co-star in Annette, Marion Cotillard came to his defense. She stood between the fighting stars and shouted that Foster would have to go through her. At this point Foster stopped, blew Driver a kiss, laughed and walked off into the hot Cannes night.
Annette Goes On General Release On September 3rd Later This Year.
HOLLYWOOD- Sir Edwin Fluffer once again delves into his personal memoirs – soon to be published as ‘Not THAT Kind of Fluffer!!!’ – to recall the an incident at the Cannes Film Festival.
Dear Debbie Reynolds,
Just back from the premiere of The Great Gatsby, and you’ll never guess who was in it: dear little Leo DiCaprio! Can’t remember what part he played and if truth be told it dragged on a little. I fell asleep before the bit where the boat sinks. Got back to the hotel and found out that some bugger had pinched my cuff links! Tell Carrie I’ve got her Duty Free, she can pay me when I get back.
Lots of love,
Dear Gerard Depardieu,
Gerry! I asked the waiter at the Gilded Cheese if you’d been in lately and he tells me you’ve chipped off to Moscow. Bloody cold I’d imagine. The sun’s out here in Cannes, and a lot of the old crowd are meeting up for drinks later. Won’t be the same without you darling, but at least it’ll give the local gendarmerie the night off. I told you they weren’t really sisters didn’t I?
Dear Gene Hackman,
We’re missing you at Cannes this year, Gene old pal. Bloody Stevie Spielberg keeps trying to catch my eye because he still wants us to do the My Own Private Idaho sequel. He’s giving me all the ‘people want to see how the characters have grown’ nonsense, but I’m not falling for that again, and neither should you. I said to give Harvey Keitel a ring, he’ll whip it out for anyone.
Ask Clint if he can pop ‘round to see if I’ve got any mail.
Dear Jack Nicholson,
Having a lovely time at Cannes this year Jacky: the Mayor says all is forgiven and we’re both welcome back any time, so that’s good news. ‘Eau under the pont’ as I told him, but I’m on best behaviour just in case. We don’t want Interpol getting snooty again. I’ve found what room Jerry Lewis is staying in, so guess who’s getting my bar bill!
HOLLYWOOD- Sir Edwin Fluffer once again delves into his personal memoirs – soon to be published as ‘Not THAT Kind of Fluffer!!!’ – to recall the an incident at the Cannes Film Festival.
Dear Kirk Douglas,
Call off the search, I’ve arrived safe and sound!
There was a bit of a kerfuffle at the airport because I couldn’t find my passport, but we finally discovered it in with Steve Martin’s banjo. Had a panic on the plane when they said we were flying to France, but it turns out that’s where Cannes is. It just goes to show, you’re never too old to learn!
Love to Mike and Cathy,
CANNES – A diary from the dirty side of the Croissette at the 69th Cannes Film Festival.
Look seriously I cannot be bothered to be sitting down and writing these Cannes diaries when I’ve spent the whole day trying to get Jodie Foster’s Beaver out of the conversation. This is the 69th Cannes film festival isn’t it? Everybody screamed as we headed away from the Marriott and toward the Palais du Cinema. Security is so tight right now that the Gendarmes are not letting anyone in with bottled water because of the great bottled water bomb of 1987. Memories are long in this town, except for pederasty.
There was a series of weird jokes during the opening ceremony. Two or three homophobic ones and something about Woody Allen not being prosecuted for rape. I mean weird because I didn’t make them. They were all the work of some French comedian. But any complaints about French comedy should be addressed to the fact that the French love Jerry Lewis. And there I rest my case.
Ken Loach is skipping around town in a tight gold lame gown. He’s prepping the new Sex and the City movie, I, Carrie which is creating tons of buzz. Likewise Jodie Foster’s amazing film Money Monster manages to make us feel sorry for George Clooney again because he has too much sex and money. By the way the film is a complete disgrace. It’s actually evil. Not only does it whitewash (and I mean it in the old sense now) the financial crisis and more or less blame the victims and one bad apple despite all the evidence to the contrary, but it also has zero tits. And I mean none.
Tomorrow I’m going for a party on a yacht with Orlando Bloom and Iggy Pop. I’ve told them to wear name tags.
LAS VEGAS – ‘I’ve got the set,’ shouted an inebriated Frances McDormand from the steps of the small Las Vegas wedding chapel where yesterday she married her second Coen Brother, probably Ethan or Joel.
The Oscar winning actress has already been married to one of the Coens, Joel or Ethan since 1984, but decided she would like to have both sometime in 2006.
Hollywood observer Yank Mayhew said:
Bigamy is becoming the new skateboarding in Hollywood circles. Already you have Goldie Hawn married to Kurt Russell, Russell Crowe and Russell Brand. But McDormand has gone for the jackpot, adding a tinge of incest to the brew.
Sources close to the Coen Brothers camp reported that the siblings were in fact ‘relieved’ because for some time now they had been unable to remember who was married to the Fargo star:
It would be quite funny as a matter of fact, as they squabbled about it once Frances had left the room. When she came back, they waited for her to say something or make a gesture and then would use that as a clue. I’m afraid to say Frances exploited their confusion to basically go home with the one she wanted.
All of us at Studio Exec would like to wish the happy trio all the best for the future.
Hail Caesar is on general release.
CANNES REVIEW – LOVE – Gaspar Noé first cut his teeth directing one of those Muppet movies in the mid-nineties – The Muppet’s Treasure Island I think – but has since made his name as an arch-provocateur, with a full stock of schlock shock, so when he turned up on the Croisette with a film called Love, boasting 3D jizzing members and unsimulated full-on hardcore sex, you can bet I was in the front row, but was it any good?
Which isn’t to say it’s awful. Just not great.
Electra (Aomi Muyock) and Murphy (Karl Glusman) are irritatingly attractive lovers, who have handily demonstrative sex, almost as if they know they’re being filmed from above. They’re particularly keen on fulfilling Gaspar Noé’s sexual fantasies, especially the one about a threesome with the conveniently blonde neighbor Omi (Klara Kristin). They grunt, hump and sigh, and then talk so much donkey shit about art, film, love etc, that almost seems to have been written down for them. And it goes on. Noé himself turns up to screw his female lead on screen. Imagine a Hitchcock cameo, but with the emphasis on the second syllable.
It’s indulgent and silly, and it gets a bit boring. It isn’t as if these two have that much imagination in the bedroom and Murphy’s misogynistic bullshit tires fast and leaves us with no one really to root for. Plus sexy Electra has to have some tragic angle because, you know, girls can’t actually just enjoy sex (!?) which leaves us with the feeling that Love isn’t radical, but kinda conservative. It’s not so much the Emperor’s got no clothes, as the Emperor is wearing a skin toned body stocking. Which, if you think about it, is creepier.
Love is (ahem) coming soon.
CANNES – In news that rocked the Croisette John Lasseter announced that Pixar is set to remake Gaspar Noe’s 3D porn film Love.
The Toy Story director spoke EXCLUSIVELY to George Miller, who told close friend the Studio Exec:
Love is one of those films that as soon as you see it you know there has to be an English language remake.
But Love is in English.
It is? Really? I didn’t notice. Okay, but still what I meant to say was an animated version. This will be the first time Pixar takes an existing property and turns it into a film. So we’re very excited.
But isn’t this a departure for Pixar?
Not at all actually. You see we’re tired of making films which appeal to children and adults alike. We have made some films – Cars 2 for instance – which appealed to no one at all. But now we want to make our first adult film and Gaspar Noe’s Love seems like the perfect fit.
We initially were thinking of making a sequel to Inside Out, taking the story into adulthood, but obviously that means that we would be dealing with some issues that we don’t normally deal with. Sex for instance. So when we saw Love I slapped my forehead and cried out ‘This is the sequel to Inside Out.’
Pixar’s Love will be released in 2017.
CANNES – As the world’s most glamorous film festival winds to a close tomorrow I thought my readers would be glad of learning what I learned from my time here.
1. Pixar’s Inside Out and Gaspar Noe’s Love are actually different versions of the same story.
2. Michael Caine is brilliant as Tony Servillo. And Harvey Keitel and Jane Fonda’s new fitness video is out in the Fall.
3. The shouting of Raoul continues unabated despite it’s deadly unfunniness.
4. Queuing 40 hours in one week to see a bunch of films a bout Romanians digging holes in gardens and Icelanders and their sheep could be considered by some a waste of time.
5. Despite the waiting in line, the alcohol poisoning, the sight of John Lasseter dancing on a table (I shit you not), the Mad Maxs, the 3D ejaculations, oh and I saw Love!, I shall be doing it all again next year.
For all our Cannes coverage click on one of the tags. I’m not going to help you with a link HERE. See it isn’t a link.
CANNES – The Studio Exec is proud to present this EXCLUSIVE first look at Paolo Sorrentino’s new film Youth which sports its international title ‘Old Men Look at Tits’.
Paolo Sorrentino has called his film:
A deep exploration about morality and decay and the understanding of what comes into an old man’s head every time he looks at a young woman’s tits. I am expecting it to blow Mad Max: Fury Road off the Croisette. I will most certainly win two Palme d’Ors for this. Maybe even three.
The film stars Michael Caine and Harvey Keitel as two old men who decide that instead of looking at two tits at the same time, they are going to split up and one is going to specialize on the left tit and the other is going to concentrate on the right tit. Rachel Weisz plays their arch nemesis who stop them from looking at tits by inventing the bra in 1989.
For all our Cannes coverage keep coming here.
CANNES – Dogtooth and The Lobster director Yorgos Lanthimos has been placed in charge of badge allocation as well as the running of next year’s Cannes film festival.
The Greek director has been given carte blanche (a French phrase) to write a set of arbitrary rules to replace the already arbitrary rules put in place. We had a chance to talk to Yorgos after he wandered into the Studio Exec Pavillion on the Croisette at Cannes.
I intend to completely revolutionize the way Cannes is organized next year. First of all I’m going to give everyone with a pink badge a yellow badge and everyone with yellow badge a blue badge, and everyone with a blue badge a green badge and everyone with a green badge a pink badge. The white badges will remain the same for they are all my friends and they will help us rule.
How will you rule Yorgos?
With terror and politeness. Everyone will say please and thank you but stabbings will be mandatory and will take place daily in the Debussy Theatre. Queuing will be suddenly and randomly reversed. People will be admitted to the theater but the theater will be full of cats and no one will be allowed to leave until all of the cats have been murdered and eaten.
No, it’s pronounced Yorgos. It’s Greek.
Oh, and another thing I am going to make everyone vassal slaves and at parties they will be forced to have joyless sex.
How will we be able to tell the difference?
Ha ha. You are funny. Now you must kill a cat and eat it. Thank you very much.
Yorgos Lanthimos will also be accepting a cabinet position in David Cameron’s new government in the United Kingdom.
For more Cannes coverage, go find it, you lazies.
CANNES REVIEW – GREEN ROOM – Nazi skins, punk bands, pit bulls and a body in the Green Room, what is not to like?
Jeremy Saulnier returns after Blue Ruin with another color coded genre thriller, Green Room. A punk band The Ain’t Rights hungry for cash agree to a gig out in the back of nowhere and find themselves surrounded by White Power Nazi skinheads. They respond with a burst of the Dead Kennedys and an inspired if dangerous choice of song. Note to self: when in a Nazi night club and it looks like you can leave, never go back for your mobile phone. Chekov from Star Trek does and finds himself and the band – including Maybe from Arrested Development – trapped in the Green Room with a dead body and a handgun and outside the door, Captain Jean Luc Picard gathers his fellow skinheads together to do away with all witnesses. Pit bull killer dogs, box cutters and machetes are the weapons of choice and Saulnier keeps the whole thing tense, fun and funny and occasionally very gruesome.
This is a siege movie with a difference, entertaining and tightly played, like a good punk song.
CANNES – It was revealed today that Lars Von Trier has infiltrated the Cannes jury but it is as yet unclear which jury member has the Danish controversialist hidden somewhere within them.
The Croisette was on red alert last night as it emerged that Lars Von Trier has somehow managed to infiltrate the Cannes Jury. Presidents of the Jury Joel and Ethan Coen released a joint statement in which they both said that the Nymphomaniac director had been detected via special irony machines set up for that very purpose by the Gendarmes.
We knew something like this might happen. What we didn’t know was how clsoe he would get. We know he is actually inside one of the members of the jury. How he did this is as yet unclear, though our money is on a Fantastic Voyage type of shrinking machine.
Where could Lars Von Trier be?
Rossy de Palma (Actress – Spain)
She would make the perfect host. Utterly charming and unsuspecting and plus Von Trier would be attracted to the dusky southern lady.
Sophie Marceau (Actress, Director – France)
Unlikely. Sophie is a waifish figure unlikely to hide the gross presence of the Breaking the Waves director.
Sienna Miller (Actress – United Kingdom)
Lars Von Trier might try to infect the impressionable American born but UK based actress. Would she have the will to resist his MIND POWERS?
Rokia Traoré (Composer, Singer-songwriter – Mali)
Although not strictly speaking a racist, Von Trier is a Nazi and so his Aryan nature is unlikely to mix well with the Malian singer.
Guillermo del Toro (Director, Writer, Producer – Mexico)
Perhaps the obvious place to look. The Pacific Rim director has room enough for a whole Dogma movement.
Xavier Dolan (Director, Writer, Producer, Actor – Canada)
Canadian prodigy Xavier Dolan has had a string of critical successes. How could one so young be so artistically mature? Perhaps if there was a great Dane lurking within the state of Xavier.
Jake Gyllenhaal (Actor – United States)
We all know how much Lars Von Trier loves Hollywood movies and none more so than the Prince of Persia. In many ways Gylenhaal would be the perfect place to find one’s very own private Brokeback Mountain.
CANNES – It came as a shock yesterday to discover that acclaimed Italian director Nanni Moretti was actually a man! And with a beard to boot!
We’ve been following Nanni Moretti’s work for years, ever since Emma Thompson first played him in that film. But when he wandered into the Studio Exec Pavilion here on the Croisette we were shocked discovered that instead of being a magical woman who looks after children, he was in fact a man who makes films about himself and stuff.
Moretti told us that it was a problem he had to deal with for years.
It’s typical of sexist English society to think that I must be a woman. Just because my name is Nanni. Whereas in fact it is a very common name for men. Here in Italy.
So what’s the film about Nanni?
The film is called My Mother and is all about the relationship I had with my mother when…
But then why did you call it My Mother?
Well, because it’s about my mother.
Yes. But it’s not about My Mother.
You should really have thought about that. I went to see the film called My Mother and I wanted to see a moving portrait of my own mother. That’s what the title led me to believe. But it turned out to be all about some old Italian woman I’ve never met. My mother can’t even speak English let alone Italian.
The pronoun ‘my’ has been used frequently in art and books to refer to the artist’s subject and not the viewer’s or reader’s. It is an elementary part of language. You must be very obtuse to be confused.
I see. Fair enough. Now does directing get in the way of looking after the kids?
Well, the do misbehave sometimes but with my magic bag of tricks I always… Wait a minute. Damn you Exec!
[At which point Mr. Moretti left the interview]