CANTERBURY – Our latest addition to the team is the newly appointed Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby. Not only does the Archbishop enjoy praying, reading the bible and polishing candlesticks. He also has an unquenchable zeal for cinematic sex scenes. 

Over the next month or so he will be pontificating from his pulpit about all manner of film related filth beginning with Adrian Lyne’s erotic classic 9 ½ Weeks:

Greetings Film Lovers

Let’s be honest, who didn’t have several exceptional wanks over Kim Basinger in the 1980s? 

I might be a man of the cloth now but back then that cloth was sodden with the fruit of my lust and Basinger was the greengrocer. I wore out at least six copies of 9 ½ Weeks on VHS and three remote controls and yet to this day I have never seen the entire film from beginning to end.

People always talk about the fridge scene where whispering Mickey Rourke ice cubes Kim’s nipples and dangles his cherries in her mouth, but that kind of food play doesn’t float my Ark . It’s the alleyway. The raw, passionate sex in the rain that really stiffens my St Christopher. Kim’s bountiful breasts spilling out of her dirty vest top as she grinds her dripping gusset into Mickey’s munching mouth. The way I see it if God hadn’t wanted me to pleasure myself repeatedly over those images, he wouldn’t have invented the slow motion button which we all know has no other fathomable use aside from prolonging sex scenes!

Anyway chaps, I’ve got a religion to run and I’m off for a fish supper with the Queen. Next time around I’ll be discussing Peter Greenaway’s The Cook, The Thief, His Wife,and her Lover, starring the delicious Helen Mirren. She might be an old bird these days but I’d be all over her like locusts on Egypt.


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