CANNES – As the 69th Cannes Film Festival prepares to screen in the Grand Lumiere and the Debussy Theatres, the Studio Exec packs his bags and books an Uber once more for the airport.

The Croissette is being swept, the Champagne is having bubbles inserted via the age old tradition of monkey fart capture and the movies are being illegally downloaded from torrent sites by Festival organizers ready for their premieres. But what do we have to look forward to as the most exciting and glamorous of all the film festivals begins once more?

1, Kevin James has long been a favorite and this year sees him feature on the poster, though no James film is gracing the competition. There will however be a retrospective of his work including the legendary 3 hour director’s cut of Paul Blart: Mall Cop.

2. The Lars Von Trier Hunt has been moved from Saturday to Sunday. This change of the traditional man hunt and wicker man immolation comes at the specific request of French prefect in order to allow more school children to participate in the national pastime of human sacrifice. In an attempt to drum up publicity for their forthcoming Human Sacrifice Live Television event, Fox will be filming the event and live streaming it to the world.

3. Woody Allen’s opening film Cafe Society is his first movie to deal directly with issues of child abuse since Manhattan. He’ll be frankly discussing his love of ‘nymphs’.

4. George Miller is heading the jury and he has already said that a flame-throwing guitarist will help him resolve any difficulties.

5. Cannes will institute a new queuing system proposed by Yorgos Lanthimos.

Cannes runs from 11th of May until the 22nd.

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