PARIS – After years of research, a team of Parisian scientists have unequivocally proven that popular coconut drink Vita Coco is not only deliciously thirst quenching, it also makes you an all–round better person.

“We were not surprised by the outcome,” said Professor Jean Jarre:

The general public has been led to believe that Vita Coco is only good for hangovers or simply carrying in your hand to make you look cool, but we believed it had life enhancing properties.

Test subject, Pierre Verde was intravenously fed nothing but Vita Coco for 572 days and the results were nothing short of remarkable:

I can read faster, jump higher and I no longer need to wear glasses. I also find it a lot easier to make friends because people seem to like me more. I get invited to all the great parties, I sleep with a different model every night. I know it sounds crazy, but it’s true!

Professor Jarre speculates that it’s the unique combination of coconut water and Tetra packaging that holds the key to the Vita Coco phenomenon:

We have that theory, yes but there could be more. Maybe the secret ingredient is God?

Asked if he would continue consuming nothing but Vita Coco for the rest of his natural life, Pierre Verde laughed:

Hey, don’t get me wrong I love the knew me, but if I ever see a coconut again, I’m going to blow my f*cking brains out.

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