BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 23. BRYAN SINGER

MALIBU – Apt Pupil and X-Men director, Bryan Singer limps into the sun-drenched brunch bar with a weary expression and slumps down to a bowl of handcrafted Cheerios. He eyes me and then the wall behind me and then he says ‘Coffee!’

So Bryan, you recently came out with the news that you would be directing X-Men Apocalypse after X-Men: Days of Future Past. How do the films relate?

Back when I was picking beans in Guatamala, we used to make fresh coffee, right off the trees I mean. That was good. This is shit but, hey, I’m in a brunch bar. 

You don’t like the coffee?

I’ll probably shit blood tonight.

Why don’t you drink some juice? Or water?

Maybe. I’m really thirsty. I used to dehydrate as a kid. One time it got so bad my piss came out like snot. I’m not kidding, all thick and gooey.

Jesus Christ!

I know, I know.

So the X-Men…?

You’re tense, Chad. You know tension is a killer. I used to be in a barbershop quartet in Skokie, Illinois. There was this baritone whose name was Kip Diskin. Big fat guy. I mean, like orca fat. 

How do you feel about the success of Man of Steel after the failure of Superman Returns?

Zach Snyder… The man… He becomes a myth. A spook story directors tell their children at night. ‘Mess with my  lenses and Zach Snyder will get you.’ 

What about your work on House? Do you have plans for other TV shows? Do you see yourself more as Bryan Singer the film director, or Bryan Singer the show runner?

Who is Bryan Singer? He’s supposed to be Turkish. Some say my father was German. Nobody believes I’m real. Nobody sees me or works directly for me. You never knew. That is my power.

Now you’re going to tell me the greatest trick…

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled…

Was convincing the world…

He never existed.

Right.

That your car  out front?

Yeah.

Hand me the motherfucking keys, cocksucker!

And with that (pffff!) he was gone.  

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