Once it’s done I taste it and say it’s very nice. Danny runs around the kitchen, punching the air in a victory dance. ‘I’m simply the best,’ he sings at the top of his little lungs.
So Danny what’s all this about Trainspotting 2?
I’m done thinking up new shit. I’m all out of ideas. Think about it. I’ve worked in every genre: science fiction with Sunshine, horror with 28 Days Later, straight drama, Bollywood. I’ve even worked in the shit Cameron Diaz film genre with A Life Less Ordinary. Well, that’s it I can’t do it any more. From now on, I’m just making sequels. Do you want some more?
Yes please. So what do you have planned?
After Trainspotting 2, I’m going to do Sunshine 2, Slumdog Billionaire and 254 Hours. Then I’m going to direct the Olympics 2.
But the Olympics will be in …
Yeah, whatever. I haven’t thought that far ahead. There you go. I put a little of my secret stuff in there. What people don’t understand about the Olympics is I really wanted the Queen to be in it, I mean the actual Queen, but they just gave me some hammy old stand in, not even my second choice Helen Mirren.
No, that was the actual Queen.
Bloody Nora. I made a pass at her.
What are your plans for Trainspotting?
Ewan MacGregor has given me a lot of input, but he’s a catholic priest now (for more on that story CLICK HERE) so he’s asking we clean it up a lot and cast younger male leads. Other than that I have pressure from Irvine Welsh that he be given a larger acting role. And the Americans want the characters to go to the States. Some have suggested that our heroes accidentally buy a zoo, rather than use heroin. As long as we’re true to the spirit of the original, I’ll do anything.
Abruptly, I need to get to the bathroom and when I emerge Danny is gone and I have lost two stone.