I don’t know how to ride a bike

HOLLYWOOD – Bradley Cooper – in preparation for playing disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong in the new JJJ Abrams’ film Stretch Armstrong – has stated categorically that he won’t be playing Lance Armstrong, disgraced cyclist. ‘I have no intention nor have I ever intended to participate in any film whatsoever about this man or this subject,’ Cooper said today, fixing us with a steely stare. ‘I don’t even know who Lance Armstrong is.’

JJJ Abrams was also being cagey. He looked wretched in a hat, having just discovered that you shouldn’t shine lights into the camera as it causes what cameramen refer to as flare: ‘No one told me,’ he whined.
Cooper is already training, doing a staggering three miles of road work every day followed by a punishing three minute stint at the gym, which is usually only enough time to set up his iPod.

Stretch Armstrong is due to start filming in Norway on the 13th of April, 2013.

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