WASHINGTON – The new Press Secretary Bib Fortuna replaced Sean Spicer today.
Following Sean Spicer’s resignation, President Donald Trump wasted no time in appointing Bib Fortuna in his place. A White House spokesperson announced the appointment and praised Fortuna:
No one has more experience than Bib. He’s done some tough jobs with some tough leaders. I mean Jabba the Hutt was basically a disgusting slug of a creature and a gangster who would throw anyone hinting at disloyalty into the Sarlacc pit. Bib dealt with that. If anything he’s over-qualified.
At his first press conference, Fortuna immediately evinced more control than Sean Spicer by refusing to speak English and only communicating in Tatooinese. A member of the White House Press Corp praised the appointment:
It’s a great improvement. Yes he was literally speaking as if he lived on another planet. But I understood him much better than his predecessor.
Fortuna has had a rocky history in the world of PR. As a youth he worked his way up through the criminal underworld on his home planet of Ryloth, before coming into the employ of the Hutts. It was here however that his career took off. Serving an often capricious master, Fortuna showed nerves of steel and a deep sense of immorality that will serve him well in his new role.
Sean Spicer will be appearing on CNN for the rest of you life.