HOLLYWOOD – Pop superstar Beyonce Knowles has cancelled her upcoming shows after admitting she is addicted to money.
“I just can’t get enough of the stuff” said a tearful Knowles.
“At first I was just squandering it on cars, houses and jewelry like everybody else but no matter how much I spent, I wanted more!”
Knowles confessed that her addiction to currency has become so savage that she has taken to eating $100 bills.
“I started out deep frying the dollars but I was consuming so many it was affecting my weight. So around two months ago I began eating them raw but it got out of control. Last week I had a three day binge and scoffed 1.5 million. It was then I realized I had a serious problem.”
Beyonce is now being treated by celebrity councilor Hester Panda who is the world’s foremost expert in cash addiction.
“It’s becoming a common problem” said an authoritative Panda.
“I first came across this phenomenon back in 1979 when Francis Ford Coppola visited me at my clinic claiming he’d eaten 3.8 Billion Cambodian Riel. Since then year after year I have acquired more and more clients.”
Panda admits that although she manages to cure some stars of their addiction. The majority are beyond help.
“I encourage them to carry credit cards, open Swiss bank accounts or do all of their shopping online. Basically anything which means they have no direct contact with hard cash but many of them fall off the wagon. Only last week Charlize Theron was arrested in London for trying to chew pound coins out of the back of supermarket trolleys. It was kept out of the papers of course. These things always are…”
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