THE VATICAN – Sources have confirmed that Bernie Sanders will succeed Pope Francis as the leader of the Roman Catholic church.
“Bernie was at the top of our list,” said a papal spokesman:
He’s a people person, he’s down with the kids and he knows how to play the media game. Don’t get me wrong, Pope Francis was a breath of fresh air but he’s never going to go on Saturday Night Live and do a sketch with that Christ-killing Kike, Larry David.
Informed that Senator Sanders is himself a Jew, the spokesman responded:
Yeah, but we’re willing to overlook that. He looks like he could be a Catholic and let’s be honest, they’re very similar. Anyway, nobody really believes Jesus is the son of God these days, we just keep the story going because we don’t want to change our branding. I mean, imagine how much it would cost if Disney dropped Mickey Mouse as their logo and times that by thousands.
Asked what would happen if Sanders became President before he was officially ordained as Pope, the spokesman laughed:
We chatted to Bernie about that and he’s quite happy to perform both roles but he’s still undecided whether to call himself Pope President Bernie I or President Pope Bernie I. Our social media team suggested he just calls himself ‘The Bern’ so we had some researchers examine the Bible and nowhere does it say that you have to be called Pope. In fact, it turned out that the Bible never mentions the word Pope or the word Catholic which is weird. It makes you wonder if somebody just made all of this shit up!