benedict cumberbatch

 LONDON- Reports this morning from London, England, that Benedict Cumberbatch was somehow involved in the Tom Hiddleston swan murder incident are being strongly denied by the actor’s representatives.

A spokesperson for Benedict Cumberbatch said:

Thousands of children are killed ever single second by a swan, or something, and all the media and the police have to do all day is persecute thin young thespians of almost ethereal beauty.

Cumberbatch is currently putting the finishing touches on his performance as Smaug in Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit: Seriously Who Gives a F*ck and was unavailable to comment. It is believed that although the Star Trek actor was not present at the time Mr. Tom Hiddleston allegedly killed a swan in London’s St. James Park, he did instigate the attack by belonging to an old English actor’s club called The Jolly Bastards.

Sources from the prosecution have revealed that there is a text from Cumberbatch to Hiddleston which states explicitly: ‘Go on! Kick its fcking head off LOL #JollyBastards’. 

Charles Dance – the spokesman for The Jolly Bastards and an unrepentant advocate of murder – said: 

‘The kicking off of a swan’s head has long been the initiation ceremony of choice for the Jolly Bastards,’ says noted Jolly Bastard’s historian Patrice Clamp. ‘Here we see a classic example of a senior member – or Spunker as they’re known – controlling the actions of an apprentice or Sprat.’

So far no charges have been formally made but watch this space and follow us on Twitter for more news as it comes in.

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