BEAR DENIES ASSAULTING LEONARDO DICAPRIO
HOLLYWOOD – The Drudge Report’s claim that upcoming film The Revenant contains a scene featuring Leonardo DiCaprio being raped by a Bear has been strenuously denied by his co-star.
“I’m absolutely flabbergasted by these accusations,” said the Bear.
Leo and I became good friends on set. He’s an avid chess player and we enjoyed many late nights drinking wine and putting the world to rights. I even went clubbing with him on several occasions but at no point during the shoot did I sexually assault him. If such a scene was in the script, I wouldn’t have agreed to the role.
When pressed about his sexuality, the bear was refreshingly open:
Look, I experimented in college a few times and I’m not ashamed about that. Although it pains me to have to talk about my sexuality to the media, I will say that I am one hundred percent straight. I am currently dating a lovely interior designer from New York and we have recently bought an apartment together.
Asked if children were on the horizon, the Bear became defensive:
Woah, we’ve only been dating a year. We want to enjoy some time together, maybe do a bit of travelling before we settle down and have kids. Hopefully this role will propell my career and allow me to fulfil my dream of playing Hamlet, so there is a lot I want to do before we make the decision to breed.
DiCaprio was unavailable for comment but the director of The Revenant, Alejandro G. Iñárritu, issued the following cryptic statement:
Is Leo raped by a bear in the picture? No. Is he metaphorically raped by a bear in the picture? No. But is he spiritually raped by a bear in the picture? Perhaps, but probably no.
The Revenant is due for release on Christmas Day.