Lenny Delowitz, Author at

THE QUEEN’S GAMBIT 2 DUE FOR 2023 RELEASE.

After the astounding success of Chess based mini-series The Queen’s Gambit, writer and director, Scott Frank, has confirmed a sequel is in the works due for release in 2023.

The Studio Exec sat down with Scott to discuss what we can expect from his eagerly awaited follow-up:

Scott, what can we expect from the eagerly awaited follow-up?

The story will still focus on Beth but there will be some dramatic changes.

Such as?

Beth is kidnapped by aliens, taken to a distant planet and forced to play Chess. If she wins, planet earth is saved. If she loses, the aliens blow it up.

Ha, very funny.

I’m not joking.

I see. That’s quite the turn of events.

Look, I know it sounds farfetched, but the truth is I wanted to make a sci-fi series next but I’m contractually obliged to make a sequel to The Queen’s Gambit. I didn’t really want to do it but if I have to, I figured I’d combine the two.

So what was the premise of your sci-fi project originally?

It was about a young Monopoly prodigy who is kidnapped by aliens, taken to a distant planet and forced to play Monopoly. If she wins, planet earth is saved. If she loses, the aliens blow it up.

Interesting. Do you have any other scripts in the pipeline?

Lots. I want to dip my toe in several genres. There’s one about a young Scrabble prodigy who is kidnapped by gangsters and forced to play Scrabble. If she wins, her dad’s dry-cleaning business is saved. If she loses, the mob takes it over.

Wow. Very original.

Thanks. There’s another, a Western, about a young Checkers prodigy who is kidnapped by cowboys and forced to play Checkers. If she wins, her dad’s farm is saved. If she loses, the cowboys take it over.

What about horror?

Glad you asked. I wanted my horror movie to be very different and set in the modern day. It’s about a young Fortnite prodigy who is kidnapped by Satan and forced to play Fortnite. If she wins, she keeps her soul. If she loses, the devil takes it.

Do you have any ideas for movies not based on young people being kidnapped and forced to play board or computer games?

Yes.

Such as?

Is Hungry Hungry Hippos classed as a board game?

Yes

Ah. In which case, no.

The Queen’s Gambit 2 is due for release in 2023

Daniel Day-Lewis to Cameo as Magneto in WandaVision

Hollywood – Daniel Day-Lewis’ agent has confirmed his client will play Magneto in an upcoming episode of WandaVision.

Dirk Bumble, who also represents Gregory Peck, James Cagney and Gloria Swanson, sat down for an interview with The Studio Exec to discuss Day-Lewis’ surprise return to acting.

What made Daniel return to acting?

In a word, money. He put all of his assets into shorting GameStop stocks and now he’s absolutely screwed.

Starring in a Marvel TV series seems like an unlikely step for an actor of his stature. Why WandaVision?

In a word, money. Not only will he cameo in WandaVision he’ll also be appearing in the upcoming X-Men movies, a spin-off TV show, a podcast, a youtube channel and a Broadway musical. Then we have the merchandising. This time next year we hope to have Daniel on every cereal box in the world.

How has he been preparing for the role?

Well usually he’d spend at least a year in preparation but this has all happened fairly quickly, so we’ve had to improvise.

Can you elaborate?

He’s been sitting in a bathtub of toxic waste for the last seven days.

Toxic waste?

Yeah. I read this comic and this guy who was exposed to toxic waste and developed super powers so we figured it was worth a try, considering the circumstances.

What if he doesn’t develop Magneto’s powers to manipulate metal?

We thought about that so we added magnets and iron fillings to the toxic waste. For a couple of days he developed the ability to climb up walls and we realised that a spider had fallen into the bath, so we removed it.

And how is he now?

We’re getting there. He’s constantly vomiting and his skin is falling off but we figure that’s part of the process. He’s shedding his old skin to become Magneto.

You have three other high profile clients in the shape of Gregory Peck, James Cagney and Gloria Swanson. Will we see any of those appear in the Marvel Universe?

Hopefully so. I’ve not heard from any of them in a while but Daniel had a conversation with Gregory Peck just the other day.

Really?

Yeah. Daniel said Gregory paid him a visit after he’d been in the bathtub for a few days. Apparently they spent a couple of hours playing Chess and talking about Soccer.

Isn’t Gregory Peck dead?

Oh yeah. That’s disappointing I’ve just signed him up for The Mandalorian season 3.

Who was he going to play?

An Ewok.

KERATIN FILMMAKERS ACCUSED OF PLAGIARISM FIGHT BACK

HOLLYWOOD – Makers of Keratin, accused of plagiarism defend themselves.

The Studio Exec sat down with filmmakers, Andrew Butler and the unlikely named James Andrew Mackenzie Wilson to discuss the controversy surrounding their short-film ‘Keratin’.

Good Morning, gentlemen.

Andrew: Goooood morning, Vietnam!

James: Oh what a beautiful morning. Oh what a beautiful day.

Indeed. So how did you guys meet?

Andrew: I met him at the Candy store. He turned around and smiled at me. You get the picture?

James: Yes we see.

Interesting. So why did you decide to collaborate on this project?

Andrew: He’s simply the best. Better than all the rest. Better than anyone. Anyone I’ve ever met.

James: He makes me want to be a better man.

Moving on. What attracted you to filmmaking. Who are your influences?

Andrew: Greta Garbo and Monroe. Dietrich and DiMaggio. Marlon Brando, Jimmy Dean. On the cover of a magazine. Grace Kelly, Harlow Jean, Picture of a beauty queen. Gene Kelly, Fred Astaire, Ginger Rodgers danced on air. They had style, they had grace. Rita Hayworth gave good face. Lauren, Katherine, Lana too…

James: Bette Davis, we love you.

Madonna lyrics. Very funny.

Andrew Funny how? Like I’m a clown. I amuse you. I make you laugh?

No. It was just funny how you used the quote.

James: What is your major malfunction, numbnuts?

I’m sorry I think you’ve misunderstood me.

Andrew: What we have here is a failure to communicate.

Okay. Let’s change the subject. You’ve recently been accused of plagiarism. What were your immediate thoughts when you heard the allegation?

Andrew: Houston. We have a problem.

And now?

James: Fasten your seatbelts, this is going to be a bumpy ride.

Many online writers have condemned your actions but you’ve also had some support.

Andrew: I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.

Excuse me but so far in this interview you’ve just been quoting film scripts and song lyrics. Do you have any original thoughts of your own?

James: Why so serious?

You just did it again, that was from The Dark Knight.

Andrew: Well. Nobody’s perfect.

And that was Some like it Hot. Why don’t you speak your own mind. Tell the truth?

James: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Oh screw it. This interview is terminated.

Andrew: I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!

Will you please leave.

Andrew: In case I don’t see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and good night.

James: Hasta la vista, baby.

This article was plagiarised from The Studio Exec article ‘Interview with a Plagiarist’

THE INTERVIEWS: Don Ameche

In the first of a new series, The Studio Exec sat down with legendary actor, Don Ameche, to discuss his favourite roles and address recent rumours about a new Cocoon movie.

Clive of India (1935)

Director: Richard Boleslawski

Ah, Clive of India. My first foray onto the silver screen. I played an uncredited role as ‘Prisoner in the Black Hole’ and my passion for the craft of acting was so intense in my youth that I made the decision to spend some time in a Calcutta prison to really get into character. Unfortunately in order to get into a prison I had to commit a crime and subsequently I was imprisoned for serial murder for 50 years. But every cloud has a silver lining and I managed to only serve 47 years with time off for good behaviour.

Trading Places (1983)

Director: John Landis

Upon my release I bumped into the director John Landis at Marlon Brando’s Annual Summer Barbecue and he offered me a role in his upcoming comedy ‘Trading Places’. After reading the script, I moved to the Philadelphia projects for 6 months and pretended to be a young, African American con artist. Unfortunately I was arrested for fraud and deception which delayed filming so Landis was forced to replace me with Eddie Murphy and upon my release I was given the smaller role of one of the devious Duke brothers.

Cocoon (1985)

Director: Ron Howard

To be honest, I barely remember making the movie. Jessica Tandy and I were hanging out with Motley Crew and doing a lot of blow so things are a little hazy. My only strong recollection was Wilfred Brimley and I negotiating a deal to smuggle half a ton of heroin from Afghanistan but unfortunately we were caught by the FBI. In retrospect my sentence could have been a lot more severe but due to my age, they gave me 100 years suspended and 20 hours of community service.

Harry and the Hendersons (1987)

Director: William Dear

I used to play cribbage with the actor, John Lithgow, and during our weekly game he informed me of a part in his new movie he thought I would be ideal for. Unfortunately I was rather tipsy at the time and I’d assumed he was offering me the role of Bigfoot so I spent a few months roaming around in an Appalachian forest growing my hair and surviving on Elk meat and berries. It was only when I was arrested for the rather dubious crime of ‘Impersonating a Mythical Creature’ that Lithgow informed me I was not, in fact, playing a Sasquatch but an elderly Doctor character.

Cocoon 3 (2066)

Director: Lars von Trier

I’m really looking forward to getting the old gang back together. I’ve read Lars’ script and it’s a true work of art. I’m only sorry we can’t start filming until I’ve finished my sentence at San Quentin for High Treason.

JAMES GUNN REVEALS THE SUICIDE SQUAD RUNNING TIME IS 60 SECONDS.

HOLLYWOOD – Twitter imploded this morning after James Gunn revealed the running time of his final cut of The Suicide Squad is exactly one minute.

After hearing the news, outraged fans began tweeting their outrage. @outraged22 said ‘This is outrageous!’ whilst @alwaysoutraged9 wrote ‘I’ve never been so outraged!’

Karen Shill, editor of the notorious website www.fuellingoutrage.com also commented on the brewing controversy via her Twitter handle @outrageforsale:

‘I knew James Gunn would do this. Some people forgave him for those outrageous tweets about Nazi midgets, or whatever it was, he was forced to delete, but not me. Subscribe to www.fuellingoutrage.com for more of my views on that weasel-faced a-hole.

The Studio Exec sat down for a Zoom call with Mr Gunn to gauge his reaction to the social media frenzy:

James, how come The Suicide Squad is only 60 seconds long?

Well, It’s called The Suicide Squad. They’re professionals. Very efficient professionals.

I see. What did the studio say when you turned in such a short final cut?

I’ll admit they were sceptical at first, but when I reminded them they can charge the same amount for a one minute movie as they could a two hour movie, the mood of the room perked up.

The Suicide Squad had quite a hefty budget, will we see all of those dollars on the screen?

Hell yes. If anything I could have done with a few more million. Do you know how much it costs to make a movie these days? We blew half of the budget on hair dye for Idris Elba.

There has been a strong reaction to the running time on Twitter, care to comment?

All I can say is fans will be pleased when they eventually see it. I don’t like to comment about people posting on Twitter since, you know, the incident. By the way, have you heard that joke about the Nazi midget? So there’s this midget, right. And…

I’ve heard it. Can you tell us anything about the upcoming Guardians of the Galaxy Christmas special.

The only thing I can tell you is the most evil and maniacal figure in the entire Marvel Universe will be returning.

Thanos?

No, Chris Pratt.

THE SUICIDE SQUAD WILL BE RELEASED, SOMETIME.

DONALD TRUMP’S CONCESSION SPEECH LEAKED

Washington – A transcript of Donald Trump conceding the election to Joe Biden has been leaked to The Studio Exec by an anonymous source:

My fellow Americans,

I believe the children are our are future

Teach them well and let them lead the way

Show them all the beauty they possess inside

Give them a sense of pride to make it easier

Let the children’s laughter remind us how we used to be

Everybodys searching for a hero

People need someone to look up to

I never found anyone who fulfil my needs

A lonely place to be

And so I learned to depend on me

I decided long ago

Never to walk in anyone’s shadows

If I fail, if I succeed

At least I’ll live as I believe

No matter what they take from me

They can’t take away my dignity

Because the greatest

Love of all is happening to me

I found the greatest

Love of all inside of me

The greatest love of all

Is easy to achieve

Learning to love yourself

It is the greatest love of all

Thank you.

The Orson Welles Diaries VII

January 27^th, 1972.

I’m staying with Peter Bogdanovich and his delightful mistress, Cybil Shepherd. Yesterday evening, whilst dining on a superb plate of grouse, I felt a foot under the dinner table pawing up my leg and making an inexorable motion towards my crotch. Sitting opposite the delightful couple I was unsure as to whom the foot belonged to. Naturally I hoped it was Cybil and she was merely mischievously flirting with me but from the look of lust in his eyes, I became convinced that it was Peter currently teasing my scrotum with his big toe.

After a couple of minutes of uninvited but not entirely unpleasant nut nuzzling, I decided to take a sly peek under the table in order to fathom exactly who was probing my generous plums, when to my horror, I discovered the actor Dennis Hopper, clearly inebriated and lying on his back with his right bare foot undulating up and down my undercarriage.

When I questioned Peter as to how Hopper had come to be under table, he explained that Dennis had attended his New Years Eve party and knowing the man usually took around a month to recover from whatever grotesque cocktail of liquor and narcotics he was currently consuming, they simply left him under the table until he was conscious enough to leave.

Amused by this tale I laughed and returned to the Grouse but suddenly, I was struck by a notion. If Hopper had been there for 27 days, perhaps it wasn’t Cybil administering fellatio to me under the table during breakfast last Thursday.

I had three doughnuts and five scoops of butterscotch ice-cream after dinner, followed by dessert.

Tips for Organizing Your Home Video and Movie Library Work

Organizational skills play a profound role in a filmmaker’s success. Having the right systems and processes in place ensures they capture the right footage and use it to its full potential. For film students, in particular, it also helps stay ahead of assignments and projects— an invaluable skill in the film industry.

Here are some effective tips for organizing your home video and movie library work.

Create Digital Copies

The importance of backing up your work cannot be understated, especially in the digital world. It only takes the accidental click of a button to eliminate hours of hard work and irreplaceable footage. When you upload from a memory card, create an extra digital backup in cloud storage to ensure continuous access to your work.

Many students use older film and footage from their past to create their first projects. Get digital copies of your older film— available via Just8mm— and ensure the originals are stored safely. Digital copies and cloud backups are insurance policies for a bad tech day, which is bound to happen sooner or later during a project.

Use Folders and Sub-folders

Create a filing system of folders and sub-folders to keep your movie library organized and easy to navigate. There are numerous approaches to creating a filing system. Ideally, the top folder will outline the date and name of the project.

You can add sub-folders for unedited footage, footage in processing, and finished footage within that folder. You may also want to have folders for specific shooting days or subjects, depending on what best suits your needs.

Once you have a filing system in place that works for you, copy and paste new folders in the same hierarchy for each project going forward. Incorporating a consistent, standardized system will make organization a part of your routine both as a student and a pro.

Use Tags and Descriptors

Be as descriptive as possible when adding tags and descriptions to your footage. It’s worth using a program that allows you to attach metadata to your files. Doing so helps you use keywords to find footage instead of rifling through files. It also helps protect your work if it goes online.

Using tags and descriptors is an organizational skill that can be used for everything from home videos to documentary footage. While it takes time to enter this information on the front-end, it saves countless hours later on.

Consider creating a database that outlines each project’s name, the location, and keywords associated with it. This resource will be immensely helpful as you expand your portfolio.

Take Film Notes

One proactive strategy for organizing your video collection is to take notes as you film or review previously recorded footage. As you go through, note time stamps, the subject, the location, and what stood out to you at that moment.

This information can be used to add keywords and descriptors, as well as tags to revisit later. Taking notes is an important habit to develop as a film student, as it can help you revisit something profound or inspiring when your brain is overloaded with footage. It can also help to review footage both with and without audio to see if any visual components would add value to another project.

Develop a Work Flow

Develop a workflow that helps you stay productive and organized while filing away or editing footage. Create a master to-do list that outlines all the steps so you can revisit it as needed.

Create Safe Storage Spaces

Finally, create safe storage spaces for your original footage and any memory cards or thumbnails that you need to keep. Keep everything in a cool, dry, air-tight area with proper labels in place.

Using these organization tips can help you keep your home video and movie library safe and accessible.

ROGER RABBIT FOUND DEAD AT 55.

HOLLYWOOD – Roger Rabbit was found dead in his L.A. home earlier this morning after police responded to an anonymous tip off.

The star of Who Framed Roger Rabbit, who had become a virtual recluse for the last decade, is known to have died from a single gunshot wound to the head and after discovering a note found at the scene, which we will print in full below, authorities currently suspect he took his own life:

Dear world,

I am going to blow my brains out..

Your friend,

Roger Rabbit

Once the hottest actor in Hollywood, Roger’s star faded over the past thirty years after a string of flops and financial mismanagement, combined with a drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling and carrot addiction led to him being blacklisted by the movie industry.

“I tried. F*ck me I tried,” lamented his long term agent, Skip Billings:

Fame came to Roger practically overnight and he couldn’t handle it. The offers were flooding in. Scorsese wanted him to play Henry Hill in Goodfellas, he turned down the Lestat role in Interview with the Vampire. The sonofabitch got fired from the movie Ghost because he was so drunk during the potter’s wheel scene instead of fondling the clay he kept groping Demi Moore’s tits!

On top of that his wife…well let’s just say Jessica has petted every animal in the zoo and that drove Roger insane. They’re still legally married, he never stopped loving her, but her affair with Bugs and their eventual separation was the final nail in the hutch.

Roger’s friend, Ryan Reynolds, acknowledged the passing of his friend on Twitter:

My heart is so heavy right now. Just last month we were talking about the possibility of a role in Deadpool 3 for Roger and he was very excited. Life is so cruel sometimes. Rest in peace, bunny.

@vanctiyreynolds

Baby Herman, who is currently awaiting trial accused of being involved in the infamous Jeffrey Epstein sex slave case, issued the following statement via his lawyer:

Roger was the kindest, most loyal friend a baby could have. I wish I could have been there for him but unfortunately I’m awaiting trial for crimes I did not commit and I’d like to state again for the record that I have never been to any island and I’ve never even heard of Bill Clinton.

Roger is survived by his estranged wife, Jessica and their 350 children.

MY FAVOURITE MOVIES:GHISLAINE MAXWELL

SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS (1937)

I used to watch this with my father. It’s a harrowing story about a beautiful Queen that is murdered by seven small peasants and a common slut. When I was a girl I often dressed up as the Queen and my father would hire children from the local village and we’d put on a show for him. Of course in my version the Queen enslaved the dwarfs in her dungeon and murdered Snow White. But after several performances the villagers started complaining about their ‘missing children’ so I had to hang up my costume.

PRETTY WOMAN (1990)

I must have seen this movie a hundred times and it’s been a huge influence on my life. It made me realise that if you’re rich and powerful you can buy anybody and make them fall in love with you.
Richard Gere is so handsome and Jeffrey really reminded me of him. Some nights we’d role-play and I’d dress up as Vivian and he’d put on a tuxedo and be Edward. I found it very erotic pretending to be this cheap woman who would do anything to please a wealthy business man. It showed me that if you buy working class girls a nice handbag or a piece of jewellery, they will happily fulfil any degrading, sexual fantasy you might have.

EYES WIDE SHUT (1999)

I have a love/hate relationship with this movie. I love it because it reminds me of all of the great parties I used to go to. They were always way out in the countryside in a manor house or stately home. Everyone would dress up in masks and you’d spend the evening guessing if the man in the devil mask in the corner was Bill Clinton or Prince Andrew or another elite guest. The events were very decadent, sexually free and the human sacrifice ceremonies had a real sense of theatre. Unfortunately when this movie came out and Kubrick betrayed us by exposing the parties to the general public, people started to get a bit nervous and the gatherings became smaller, less lavish and rather than travel 30 minutes outside of the city you had to get a private plane to a private island so it was much more hassle.

THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION (1994)

Inspired by this wonderful movie I have a large poster of Woody Allen on my cell wall and I’m currently digging a tunnel behind it with a silver spoon. Hopefully I’ll manage to escape soon and I’ll be drinking cocktails in the penthouse of the Trump International by Christmas. Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s a man in dark glasses here to see me and it looks like he’s carrying a noose made out of ripped up bedsheets. I wonder what he wants?

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS TO PLAY THE SILVER SURFER

HOLLYWOOD – Daniel Day-Lewis’ agent has confirmed her client will come out of retirement to play The Silver Surfer in an upcoming Marvel movie.

“Daniel has been offered many opportunities to return to acting over the past few years. He was courted for the lead role in Joker and he very nearly signed on to play Jimmy Hoffa in The Irishman, but it was the challenge of playing The Silver Surfer that eventually tempted him to return.”

Infamous for his meticulous preparation for a role, Day-Lewis’ agent confirmed the celebrated actor is going all out for his comeback:

For the last six months he’s been working as a herald of Galactus, travelling the universe looking for new worlds for his master to devour. It’s not been easy. Being personally responsible for the extinction of billions of alien lifeforms weighed on his conscience but he’s a pro, and after a couple of weeks he was enabling cosmic genocide with a big smile on his face.

Galactus himself has come forward to praise Day-Lewis:

I love The Age of Innocence and it’s been my dream since I first saw it to work with Danny but because he was retired, I originally chose Tom Hardy to be my new herald. Unfortunately every time I devoured a planet Tom would cry uncontrollably and sure, a few tears the first couple of times is forgivable but after the 7th or 8th planet Tom was still in floods so we decided to amicably part ways. I did consider Ryan Gosling as a potential replacement but then I got the call that Danny was interested and the rest is history. He’s been truly exceptional, I’ve never been so full but I know that day will come soon when the project ends and I’ll have to obliterate him from existence to keep the secrets of my power getting into the wrong hands. That will be a sad day for me as not only will I be losing a friend, I’ll also be ensuring there will never be a Phantom Thread 2 and that is a terrible shame.

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS WILL PLAY GALACTUS IN MARVEL PHASE 5.

OUTSIDE THE ACTOR’S STUDIO: AL PACINO

The Studio Exec sat down with the legendary Al Pacino to discuss life, love and shouting very loudly.

Hello, Mr Pacino. Thanks for coming.

You couldn’t get De Niro, huh?

Excuse me?

Bobby De Niro turned you down so you’re interviewing me instead.

No, we never reached out to De Niro.

It’s always the f*cking same. All my life.

Honestly and from the bottom of my heart, I wanted to interview you.

Really?

Really.

Great, let’s get down to it.

Excellent. Okay. First question. What was it like working with Robert De Niro in Heat?

F*ck you.

F*ck me?

Yeah, f*ck you. Next question.

Fine. Of all the movies you’ve made I think my favourite has to be ‘Righteous Kill’. What was it like working with Robert De Niro?

You say that name one more time and I’m walking out of here.

What, Righteous Kill?

You know the f*cking name. You know.

Okay, I’ve got the message. Let’s move on. You worked with Joe Pesci in The Irishman.

Great actor. A giant.

When you were on set, did you ask him what it was like to work with De Niro in Raging Bull?

F*CK YOU.

How about Goodfellas?

LISTEN YOU MOTHER F*CKING COCKSUCKER. I WAS OFFERED THE LEAD IN BAD GRANDPA, TURNED IT DOWN. I WAS OFFERED THE LEAD IN MEET THE PARENTS, TOLD THEM TO KISS MY ASS AND BRING ME A BETTER SCRIPT. DE NIRO ISN’T THE GREATEST LIVING ACTOR, IT’S F*CKING AL PACINO!

Actually, Daniel Day-Lewis is the greatest living actor.

HE’S F*CKING RETIRED!

He’s still alive, though.

F*CK HIM, F*CK THIS AND F*CK YOU.

Okay, okay. I apologise. No more De Niro talk. Let’s move on and talk about your excellent documentary ‘Looking for Richard.’

Oh. Alright. FINALLY. Well I’ve always been enamoured by the character of Richard III and making the doc was just a labour of love.

Sure.

Sure? Is that all you have to say, sure?

Well I was just thinking, Robert De Niro would make an excellent Richard III.

HERE COMES THE PAIN MOTHERF*CKER. HOO-HA!

OUTSIDE THE ACTOR’S STUDIO: WARREN BEATTY

The Studio Exec sat down with the legendary Warren Beatty to discuss acting, politics and if he really did have sex with Richard Pryor.

Hello, Mr Beatty. Thanks for coming.

My pleasure.

I know it was a long time ago but can you tell me about how you prepared for the infamous ‘ Squeal like a pig’ scene in ‘Deliverance’?

I wasn’t in ‘Deliverance’. That was Ned Beatty.

Really? Is he a relation of yours?

No.

Okay. Moving on. The film ‘Network’ often features on critic’s favourite movie lists. What are your memories of making that picture?

I wasn’t in Network.

Surely you played the character that delivered the great “You have meddled with the primal forces of nature”, speech?

No, that was Ned Beatty.

I see…okay, I’ve got it. Your character Josef Locke in the beautiful ‘Hear My Song’ was…

Ned Beatty.

Mmm…it seems there’s been some research errors. What movies have you been in?

Bonnie and Clyde.

Of course! A very memorable performance from Faye Dunaway. Any others?

McCabe and Mrs Miller.

I think I got half an hour in and fell asleep.

Reds.

I’ve heard it’s very long so I’ve never bothered. These are all fine but quite niche movies. Have you been in anything our audience might know?

Shampoo, Heaven Can Wait, The Parallax View?

Anything in the last 40 years?

Fine, I was in Dick Tracy.

Of course you were in Dick Tracy! It had completely slipped my mind.

It’s okay.

Who did you play in Dick Tracy?

Dick Tracy.

Yes, Dick Tracy.

I played Dick Tracy in Dick Tracy.

Did you? Wow. I only saw it once and that was about 30 years ago.

Do you even know who the f*ck I am?

Sure. Moving on. You’ve been in a lot of obscure films but very few really great ones. How come you’re famous?

Because I’m Warren Fucking Beatty that’s why I’m so famous. Brilliant actor, genius director, legendary lover.

Legendary lover? Who have you slept with?

EVERYBODY

Goldie Hawn?

EVERYBODY

Meryl Streep?

EVERYBODY

How about Richard Pryor?

EVERY…actually, no.

Marlon Brando did.

Really? Jesus.

I know. I mean it’s fine to sleep with whoever you want but the thought of Marlon Brando being ground in the arse by Richard Pryor. I don’t know, It’s just difficult to process that picture.

Indeed.

Indeed. Unfortunately it looks like we’ve run out of time. Sorry we never got around to talking about your performance in ‘The Wild Bunch’ but Warren Oates, it’s been a pleasure.

TOM HARDY TO PLAY NOEL & LIAM GALLAGHER

LONDON- Tom Hardy is to play infamous musical brothers Noel and Liam Gallagher in Guy Ritchie’s ‘Oasis’.

“I got me old cockle Tom on the dog and bone and had a word in his King Lear. He thought I was having a bubble bath but once he had a butchers at the script he put on his whistle and flute, met me down the battlecruiser and after a couple of Vera Lynnes he was sound as a pound.”, said Ritchie.

Previously Hardy took on a dual role in the Kray twins biopic ‘Legend’ but the actor’s agent said playing the Gallagher brothers is a different beast:

Tom studied the movement of Orangutans at London Zoo to prepare to play Liam and for Noel, he spent two months living as a pigeon on Primrose Hill but he still couldn’t quite find the characters. In the end he just took lots of coke and sent Damon Albarn a dog turd through the post and suddenly all the pieces came together.

A rival Oasis biopic starring John Cusack as Liam and Cate Blanchett as Noel is still in the works but Ritchie insists his film will be the definitive version:

Do me a flavour. Clapped out Cusack can kiss my Khyber Pass and as for Blanchett, I’m at sixes and sevens as to why they’d get a filly to play a fella unless they’re making a f*cking pantomime.

Asked when Oasis would commence filming, Ritchie said as soon as he’s finished editing his latest movie his team would get to work:

I’m grafting on Aladdin 2. There’s buckets of claret in this one and the Genie gets his knackers blown off with a shooter. It’s going to be blinding.

Oasis is due for release in 2022.