ROBERT DE NIRO RELEASES SERBIAN FOLK ALBUM

SERBIA – Former actor Robert De Niro – last seen in 1987 in Alan Parker’s Angel Heart – has sensationally returned to the entertainment world; but not as we know it!

Now performing under the stage name Mija Aleksic, the artist formerly known as Robert De Niro is set to take the Eastern European folk charts by storm with his heady mix of suggestive lyrics and thumping rural soundscapes. His debut album Seksi Keks (translation: Sexy Bare Bum Cheeks of the Lady in the Waterfall) is already causing waves in the industry with pre-release vinyl orders going through the barn roof! Speaking from his humble farmhouse recording studio, Aleksic spoke to Studio Exec about the inspiration behind the new album:

It’s a political album at heart, but also a love letter to the people of this complicated and changeable region of the world. On the eve that Kosovo struck for independence, the germ of the album took seed and it’s grown and flowered into this undergrowth of expression that I hope will spread to all my brothers across the former Kingdom of Yugoslavia. There’s also a strong current of sexy bum, which I think will have Pan-European appeal.

How do you think the album will translate to your American fans?

I have a song called The Mighty Condor which is about the story of a boy born of a village whore and a monkey, the boy grows to become a great hero and single handedly saves the harvest from the raiding parties of the Blue Faced Mean Ones. It’s universal. There’s a verse where he sees a sexy bum through a crack in a grain cart.

Seksi Keks will be available by mail order in the Spring.

XMAS CHARITY APPEAL: CURE STEPHEN BALDWINITIS

HAITI – One child in sixteen born in Haiti today will be infected with Stephen Baldwinitis.

There is no cure, there is very little understanding and victims will often find themselves ostracized from their families and social groups.

What can YOU do?

The first thing is obvious: spread the news. On social media platforms, by word of mouth, talk to your friends and work colleagues about this debilitating condition. Imagine for a moment how you would feel having to go through life looking like the guy from The Usual Suspects. Yes. Terrible isn’t it.

Pioneering researcher Dr. Stephen Farrell has worked with children in his specially equipped Baldwinitis Clinic in Port Au Prince. 

We see children as young as five with full blown Stephen Baldwinitis. First they become pale, then the second head emerges: the Baldwin head. After that it’s all over: they start spouting off about Jesus Christ and being obnoxious. The prospect they can look after themselves shrinks to practically zero.

Alec Baldwin was unavailable for comment as he was in boot camp preparing for his Year of Gayness

Having missed the plane for Haiti, Sean Penn has set off swimming for the island nation.
To find out more about Stephen Baldwinitis please visit the Foundation Facebook page 

https://www.facebook.com/stephenbaldwinitis 

and follow @sosofantastico on twitter.

NASA CLAIM FACE ON MARS ‘TRICK OF THE LIGHT’

MARSNASA poured cold water over the hot lonely crotches of conspiracy theorists everywhere this week by claiming new images of the Mars surface, which apparently show a mysterious looming obelisk with what appears to be a sinister smiling face depicted on it, are nothing but a trick of the light.

With our newly acquired satellite ‘Deep Peep 3000’ The Studio Exec decided to have a look for ourselves but our results are sadly inconclusive.

For many years Capricorn One viewers have argued that Elvis Presley, the assassin of John F. Kennedy, had not actually died but was living on Mars and shooting a film directed by Stanley Kubrick. The Shining is a key text which reveals in hidden patterns and code the location of Presley and a complete confession of how the Moon landings were faked because NASA in effect missed the Moon and landed on Mars. Watch Danny’s jumper closely.

More recently rumors that Tom Cruise had moved to Mars alongside John Travolta and Giovanni Ribisi were dismissed out of hand by ex-President George Bush who added that he did not bring down the twin towers as part of an intricate plan to do a load of things that nobody wanted to do.

Recent photographs relayed back from Mars have given theorists fresh grist to their mill, but as we can see from the evidence above it is likely that this is merely an optical illusion caused by the Loch Ness monster which was just out of shot.

NICOLAS CAGE: ‘IS THIS THE REAL LIFE, OR JUST FANTASY?’

HOLLYWOOD Nicolas Cage revealed today he isn’t sure when he is taking part in a professional film production or having a genuine roller coaster adventure, with high octane action and high stakes.

Speaking exclusively to the Studio Exec, Cage expressed his genuine concern at not knowing the distinction.

Hey Nic, so what is this? Some kind of well earned breakdown?

Are we rolling?

No Nic, we’re just chatting.

Are you sure? Well, I’ll pull a crazy face just in case…hnnnn (pulls classic meme face)
image

When did this first become a problem for you?

National Treasure 2, or as I was calling it; ‘Thursday’. You see, I was just going along with the intrigue, suspense and derivative action plot when I realized that, hey, this is like that other time I had a quest for some kind of American historical treasure thing, which at the time I thought was just a mildly interesting Monday. David Lynch called me one evening during that adventure and asked me whether I thought I was wasting my time on this movie…and it clicked! ‘I’m in a movie this time!’ David used to film me as I slept as a child and would whisper truths to me. This is how I knew it was the truth this time.

What about the film crew? Didn’t that alert you to the inherent artifice of the scenario?

How would it? Francis Ford Coppola, or as I call him Pappy Faffoppola, filmed my entire childhood and would narrate my meals and chores and such, so I thought these ‘crews’ we’re just my silent companions on one of my many jolly japes.

Nic, I think you should talk to someone, professionally.

Isn’t that what this is? You’re Lorraine Bracco aren’t you?

Ah, shit.

Nicholas Cage is currently starring in Outcast, which he tells me is definitely not a movie because Hayden Chistensen was with him when it all happened.

BILL COSBY IN THE PHANTOM ZONE

DEEP SPACE – The Phantom Zone tonight hosts: Bill Cosby.

But how? Well, Bill Cosby is in the news and the Studio Exec is going to extreme lengths to bring you exclusives, you all know that.

And now, with the acquisition of a decommissioned deep space surveillance satellite (Thanks to our North Korean subscribers for the kickstarter!) we can bring you the first ever official footage of celebrities banished to the fabled and terrifying Phantom Zone!

We now have access to incredible footage of forgotten, infamous or out of favour celebrities who have been banished and imprisoned in a floating prism of eternal torment.

Let us know who you would like to see next!

STEVEN SPIELBERG: ALL MY MOVIES HAPPENED TO ME

MALIBU -In an EXCLUSIVE column, Steven Spielberg – director of Always and The Terminal – gives a unique insight into the workings of his brain pan and his film-making.

Hi, I’m Steven Spielberg and I make tight MovieFilms. You might have seen them on tapes and cinemas. What you don’t know is that all my MovieFilms are true stories and they all happened to me. No Sh*t!

For Example:

The ‘Jaws’.

This was a deeply personal autobiographical account of the time I spent working as a Chief of Police in a small seaside town in the early 70s. I changed some stuff at the suggestion of my friend George. I thought these changes seemed simply crazy! Too wild to even consider, but in retrospect it had the dual consequence of making me a shit-tonne of monies and helping to deflect from my being a suspect in the murder of some Islanders.

You see, in reality, it was a damn mystery who was killing those folks! After we found the first scantily clad teenage girl, dead and mangled on the beach, we assumed it was either a crime of passion or some kinky love-making ritual gone a bit askew (people get bored in small communities and try stuff, it happens). When the second girl turned up in a similar location with similar injuries the guys down the station got all excited and started talking about the possibility of us having an honest to heck serial killer. Thus the legend of Kinky Jack was born.

We were stumped, more bodies turned up, and not just hot teen girls in bikinis; kids, old sailors, even dogs! All dumped in or around the sea/beach type area. We questioned every saucy old seaman who ever crossed our path in those weeks but couldn’t get a grip on this damn case at all. Eventually I had to take some time.

I hooked up with a few buddies and decided to take a boat trip to clear my head. It was blissful at first; telling stories over a few whiskey shots, showing each other our bodies in the crisp moonlight…then one day…shit, it’s hard to talk about it even now. I woke up to find them both dead and mangled! One, chopped in half below the waist and the other floating in pieces in a weird little cage tied to the boat. Kinky Jack! He had struck again, but how? And why spare me?

It would sure look real funky; the chief of police turning up, covered in blood on a ghost boat claiming to have no idea who killed his shipmates. So I did what anyone would. I weighed down the remains of the bodies, chopped a hole in the side of the boat and swam home on a little yellow float. I told anyone who asked that my buddies just decided to go on a trip. Boom. Everyone bought it.

We never did find the killer and Kinky Jack seemed to have sated whatever deadly fetishes moved him so…no more bodies turned up and we all kind of left it. Bit of a relief really.

A few years later when I decided to get into Movifilms full time a pal said ‘write what you know’ so I decided to make all my MovieFilms about my own life…but, you know, I don’t want people asking any questions. Hence, Kinky Jack became a big ol’ rubber shark! How crazy does that sound? Well they bought it. You all bought it.

This was fun. I like sharing.

For more from 1941 director Steven Spielberg Click HERE!

LENA DUNHAM TO PLAY SLIMER IN GHOSTBUSTERS REBOOT

 

HOLLYWOOD Girls star Lena Dunham announced she is to be the new Slimer in the all female reboot of Ghostbusters.

Dunham spoke to the Studio Exec about what she has planned for the character.

Hey Lena, congrats on the gig. How do you re-invent such a classic character?

I hate to sound all ‘actory’ but for me it’s like that thing where actors say putting on the character’s shoes gets them in the zone…same thing, but shit loads of slime, I’m dripping right now.

Is it helping?

I think so, I’ve tried sneaking into friends houses in the middle of the night and, like, standing at the foot of their bed moaning, without the slime it would look like either a mental breakdown or a heavy come-on. And it’s just that kind of psycho sexual ambiguity that has really helped me tap into the core of the character.

Where are you getting the slime?

Jack Nicholson hooked me up initially, he’s the go to guy for a lot of viscous material at short notice. But you wear it long enough you start to produce your own unique bacteria culture and it forms independently. I’ll be producing my own slime entirely by the time shooting starts.

Ghostbusters 3 will be released some time in the next future.

DISNEY SECURE RIGHTS TO THE 80S

HOLLYWOOD – In a power move that would make Gordon Gecko blush, Disney secure the rights to the decade formally known as the 1980s (now to be known as The 19-Disneys).

In a Studio Exec EXCLUSIVE Disney CEO Bob Iger relates the macabre experience of negotiating with the sinister keepers of the 80s.

So Bobby boy, Bob, Mr. Iger, ahem, how does one go about purchasing the 80s? Who has the rights? 

If I had known, oh if only I had known…such is the folly of man that he must forever inquire into the world’s deep and dark secrets. The ‘Neon Decade’ has been passed from one shiny glove wearing hand to another. there were rumors that David Bowie had the rights and had them enshrined in a sarcophagus in his residence high in the Swiss Alps;  freak weather however, destroyed Bowie’s mountain and he renounced his claim of the decade shortly thereafter. Oh, if only those secrets had perished in those rocky European chasms!

How did Disney get involved?

We had agents all over the world scouting for traces of the lost ‘rights’ and eventually someone heard of a cabal called ‘The Keepers of the Dread Child’ who claimed to have the rights to the 80s in their possession and who were willing to trade for something of equally magnificent value. In my arrogance I decided to personally negotiate with these shadowy figures. Eventually, one night I found myself led blindfold down endless flights of stairs, somewhere in Iceland.

Wow! This sh*t is intense … go on.

When my blindfold was removed I found I was kneeling in front of an alter of sorts, flanked by two immense thrones. The occupiers were none other than Steve Guttenberg and Peter Gabriel. Like two titans of unimaginable antiquity they sat there regarding me with imperial indifference. I thought I was to be judged and sentenced by them, such was the magisterial air of the whole affair. Then they spoke, in unison … which was weird. Their words echoed and swirled in my mind until I was not sure whether t’was some form of telepathy, but the gist was thus; between the thrones, on the alter, under a glittering sheath lay ‘The Dread Child’; a sleeping avatar of the 1980s, preserved and peaceful, and he who hath the power to carry him up the flights of stairs was welcome to him and thus the bounty of the 80s … in addition to one final exchange of equal value … a child for a child!

Incredible! So who was the ‘Dread Child?’

Um, that weird little kid with the floppy hair from ‘The Never Ending Story’, ‘Daryl’ and ‘Cocoon’

Oh yeah, that kid, what’s his name?

Like you ever knew! Who cares? Anyway, so I had to carry the little frozen f*cker up a flight of stairs! Which I did. He’s now safely in the Disney vaults and the 80s belongs to us.

What about the final exchange? Who did they want in return and why?

May all the Gods forgive me, but they wanted the young, supple body of Tori Spelling and with that, the ownership of the 1990s which, thankfully, Disney had the rights to.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Wait, I’m confused, they wanted the ‘young’ Tori Spelling though, how does that work?

We’re Disney. We have access to … certain powers of our own, now, excuse me, I have duties to attend to. The Mouse be praised.

The 19-Disney’s will be launched this summer.

ZANE, CAULFIELD, ROBERTS AND TUCKER CONFIRMED FOR STAR WARS VII






LONDON – The entire planet and it’s outlying moon almost exploded earlier today after news that legendary actors Billy Zane, Maxwell Caulfield , Eric Roberts and Chris Tucker have secured roles in the upcoming Star Wars VII.


“I actually sh*t myself when I heard,” said Ain’t it Cool svengali Harry Knowles.

It was kind of embarrassing because I was in Burger King at the time but thanks to their superior bathroom facilities I was able to solve a potentially stressful problem with relative ease.

English film critic Mark Kermode was also stunned by the awesome casting news:

I was spraying my impeccable quiff with hairspray when I heard the news on the radio. I was so utterly gobsmacked that I accidentally sprayed the lacquer directly into my eyes which caused me to stumble backwards, trip, and hit my head on the bathroom sink rendering me unconscious. I’ve been completely blind for 24 hours and the doctors say  the blow to my head has caused a blood clot in my brain that requires experimental surgery. Still, at least I can say I remember where I was when I heard the news. Well, at least until I have the surgery because apparently there is a 70% chance that my entire memory will be wiped.

According to CNN, when the news broke in El Salvador, rioting began which escalated into a full blown revolt which led to the government being overthrown but Captain Eduardo Jago of the Salvadorian army said he sympathized with the people:

Sh*t, Ese. You have any idea how big those guys are in El Salvador? They’re f*cking demi Gods. I’m talking shrines and s*hit. Hell, I named my own daughter Erica Roberts Jago so I appreciate this news has stirred the emotions of the people. Anyway, if you excuse me I’m going to find a man that looks like Billy Zane and have brief but passionate sex with him. Viva La Revolution!

Star Wars VII is due for release in 2015.

GOOGLE LAUNCH MORGAN FREEMAN APP

HOLLYWOOD – Internet giants Google have launched a new app to go with their Google Glass device which will change the voice in your head when you think to that of actor Morgan Freeman

A spokesperson for Google said:

The technology has always been there. It was actually developed in the 1960s when they were going to use Julie Andrews singing everything you think against communist spies, political dissidents and Anti-War protesters. The army mothballed the idea over human rights concerns but when we picked up on it we decided the time had come.  

How does it work?

It’s quite simple. Your brain is just a series of electrical signals. In a micro-second we record the signals, dub over Mr. Freeman’s voice and then reinsert them with no perceptible lag. You’ll be thinking in golden sonorous tones before long. 

Will this actually change the nature of your thoughts?

Ha ha ha. Yes. 

How?

We’ve run extensive tests and we’ve found no matter who the subject is young, old, male or female, black or white, they always become incredible wise, a little sad and wistfully humorous. Like they’ve seen enough of the human comedy to allow a certain wry distance between themselves and the shenanigans that surround them.

The Google Morgan Freeman App will only be available as an add on for Google Glass at the moment, although it is widely reported that Apple are developing a similar application with the voice of Liam Neeson, but everyone agrees that at the moment it’s just scaring people with a phrase about him having ‘a particular set of skills’. 

COLIN HANKS: MY ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE

Howdy! Colin Hanks here. Happen you seen me in … er … oh, in King Kong I played like a ‘guy’. Whooo-eee! 
 
My Momma always said that if you had yo’self some night terrors then the only way to send ‘dem critters packin’ is to tell some folks about it.
Well, I suuuuure had me a bonafide nightmare last night sir. Heck I woke up shakin’ like a piglet on slaughter day, mhm mmm!
 
Let me tell it; I found myself on a stage talking’ to some Old Timer. Reminiscing and such, about growin’ up; about my Momma and Poppa. Heck I was blabber-gassing like a regular ol’ lazy gums. Den I gone realised dat day was cameras aaaaall around. ‘Mr Old Timer sir, am I on a TV show? like they have on TV?’ I says.
 
 ‘Well shiiiiit son, ‘dis be dat Actor’s studio!’ said Old Timer.
 
 ‘Jimeny Jellybeans!’ said I, and heck fire if there wasn’t a whole crowd a young folks laughin’ in dat audience right den. And well I had me a chuckle-roll too.
 
But den I see Old Timer’s face gone change…all Sally Serious wise and I say ‘Hey Old Timer, what’s crawled up ‘n your craw?’ and he up and points at dem audience. I followed with my peepers what he done motioning at.
 
Dem audience! All in a commotion, day skin aaaaaall grey like uh elephants in a zoo. And they moanin’ like a hog in a trap, and they blood in dem mouths. ‘Heck Old Timer! day be Zombies and I aint lying!’ and I turns to Old Timer and he done gone all Demon style too! Oh crab stew Colin, you sho’ got yo’self in a stink-hold now I thinks.
 
And I was surrounded. All dem hungry young actors coming at me, it was scaresome Lord have Mercy. And just as they about to claw me up…well, that roof gone lift riiiight open and from dem heavens down swoops my old Paw on a, what you call? one o dem ‘Gryphons’ from yoresome tales! And Paw fires golden arrows at dem zombies afore swooping me up. We flies off into that big ol’ sunshine together.
 
And that’s it. 
 
I woke up. Sweating like a Louisiana altar boy! I sure don’t comprehend what it means, no Boss I don’t know dem fancy mind workings. But I ain’t never going on dat there TV show from the TV… But I want to see that Gryphon again. Maybe some night, if I’m lucky he’ll come to Ol’ Colin again and we can have adventures like in dem old stories.
 
Mhmmm.

MATTHEW BRODERICK: ‘I’M KILLING OFF BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN’

HOLLYWOOD – Matthew Broderick has finally ended years of speculation and admitted that Bruce Springsteen is a fictional character he has been playing on and off for decades.

In an exclusive interview, Bueller told the Studio Exec:

It’s all started when I guest starred on Taxi and Andy Kaufman and I got gassing. He was finishing a stint as a Welsh actor he concocted. I can’t remember the name, Richard … something. Anyway it seemed like a fun piece of performance art, to blow off steam between movies, so I invented the ‘Boss’.

Are you killing off the character completely?

Yeah man I think it’s time. These world tours, Jesus, it’s exhausting, especially when you can feel that the joke just isn’t funny anymore. I mean, back when I wrote and recorded Born to Run, it was just a silly jape to flesh out the character, and I’m really glad people bought into it but I think it’s run it’s course. Satirical albums like Born in the USA, sure I could knock out one of those in an afternoon for my own amusement but it’s just become a bit of a day job.

So what are you going to do with all this free time?

I’d like to just be a straight actor now I think. Movies like Godzilla, which were companion pieces to the Springsteen project were also a fun diversion but I think I want to get away from that kind of surrealist comedy thing. The beast as the manifestation of the comedy persona running rampant etc. I’m done with it. I think I might ditch my other characters too.

Surely you’ll keep some of the old favorites?

No, clean slate I think. It’s time to put the Michael J Fox character to bed too. I mean it got dark for a while there. And as much as the character fits like a sock I’ve just ran out of places to take him. As for Val Kilmer, I just can’t take another day in that facial prosthetic, besides, he never really took off anyway; a lot of people simply don’t find the character funny.

Any new ‘straight’ projects lined up?

Not until I complete my Magnum P.I. contract; apparently there was some small print about a TV movie that we never got around to in the 80’s, so for a one off I’m putting the old ‘tache back on and doing the old Tom Selleck routine. Just one more job and I’m out.

Magnum P.I. will be released in 2016. 

MUMFORD AND SONS AND A BLACK SON: THE MOVIE

mumford and sons
HOLLYWOOD – Happy go lucky sons of millionaires Mumford and Sons are to star in a quirky updating of Three Men and a Baby. But this time there’s four of them and the baby will be a black child!

The surprisingly long plot synopsis states:

Beloved of Investment Bankers and common folk alike, Mumford and Sons – the ‘authentic sound of the credit crunch’ – are charging onto our screens to the sound of roaring mandolins in Mumford and Sons and a Black Son. Set in New York, the boys rent a three story apartment overlooking Central Park and begin work on an album. One day a mysterious package appears and the Sons are bamboozled to discover a black baby inside, with a note claiming the baby is the result of a backstage fling (or jig as it would be called in the ‘Old Country’). Against all their natural instincts, the boys decide to let the kid hang around in the haphazard and unpredictable ‘folk pop’ environment. High jinx ensue as the lads audition a series of – like – really funny nannies to take care of the baby. Eventually settling on Queen Latifa (unusually playing herself), the band rehearse their album, but all is not as it seems. Could it be possible the mysterious mother is someone close by?

MUMFORD AND SONS AND A BLACK SON will be released this Christmas.

ROYAL FAMILY JOIN HUNGER GAMES: UK

LONDON – The British Royal family have sensationally agreed to take part in the forthcoming Hunger Games: UK, a reality/survival show based on the popular Jennifer Lawrence franchise. Speaking exclusively to the Studio Exec, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II outlined her reasons for joining the controversial new show.

A ‘no-brainer’ really. The UK has a terrible problem with poverty currently: people swarming, benefits being cut and the NHS under threat from my Government. All in all, there’s a ‘shit load’, as common parlance would have it, of poor, unhealthy, hungry folks out there who need to be culled a tad and who need quality Saturday night entertainment to take their mind off the grim reality of their lives. If you can call it a life. Ha ha ha!

So Your Highness, what is your actual involvement in the show?

Well, the show will be filmed on our Balmoral Estate in Scotland. So we’ll start with the Scots, thin the Northern herd a little before trying it down South. The ‘contestants’ will be released in the grounds and one and the rest of the family will hunt them down with whatever comes to hand. It should be riveting viewing, one’s informed. 

What do you think this will do for your public image?

Well it’s all about providing a new, honest and transparent perspective on what it’s like to be a Royal – one means, take it right back – how do you imagine Royal families became Royal? We hunt, we feed, we maintain. At one point, one’s ancestor had the biggest club and was willing to use it. It’s just going back to basics: ordinary people are the playthings of cruel, malevolent forces who see them as dancing flesh puppets. One thinks in the 21st Century one should just cut through the ‘bullshit’ (is one saying that right?) and celebrate what brings us together. Are you hungry?

Is that a trick question?

Ha! no, I won’t make you fight in the arena for lunch! One needs to see what the ratings are like before one starts hunting Americans. No, one’ll have one’s man prepare us some swan…TOM!

It was no surprise to realise that none other than Tom Hiddleston was on hand to provide us with some swan. Her Majesty ate hers raw, never taking her eyes off me. The Hunger Games: UK will air one week before the referendum on Scottish Independence.