HOLLYWOOD – James Woods announces right wing production company to make films about good American cops.
James Woods today announced the formation of the Axis Of Actors to continue to make films about good cops, despite footage on social media of police gassing, beating and murdering innocent people.
Good Apple Productions, formed by a collective of right wing actors including James Woods, Kelsey Grammer, Scott Baio and Melissa Joan Hart. In a press conference earlier today, Woods announced:
‘It’s about time we redressed the balance of all these bleeding heart liberal actors, spouting their liberal bullshit and standing up for minorities, whoever they are. We have formed a corporation of actors. Because we don’t like the term union, that’s for scumbag commies. Therefore our axis believes in back to basics, fundamental old testament values. Because I equally like the new testament also, but I don’t want to get into specifics about that. SHUT UP OK!’
The microphone was taken away from James Woods and he was wheeled out of the room. Melissa Joan Hart raised her hand to speak, but the whole room laughed and let a man do the talking.
‘I believe I speak for all of us in the axis,’ said Scott Baio, ‘when I say uuum…’ He fumbled through his notes, ‘We believe we know what the good, god fearing people of America want to see. They’re not interested in your so called science or facts, whatever those things are. America wants to see good cops chasing down criminals whether they’re ANTIFA terrorists, evil protestors or those wicked liberal old people who keeping “falling” in front of them for god damned reason. I mean, shit! What’s the world coming to? SHUT UP OK!’
The microphone was taken away from Scott Baio and he was wheeled out of the room. Melissa Joan Hart again raised her hand to speak, but the whole room laughed and let a man do the talking.
‘People love guns.’ said Kelsey Grammer, ‘I know I do. So that’s what we’re going to give them. Cops, speeding around in cop cars, jumping out of them, sliding over the hood and shooting at people. It’ll be great. Who cares why the cops are shooting people? We’ll figure that shit out later. They’ll get back in their cop cars and drive around with the siren on, woowoo woowoo woowoo woowoo woowoo…’
The microphone was taken away from Kelsey Grammer and he was wheeled out of the room. Melissa Joan Hart jumped to her feet and grabbed the microphone.
‘Fuck you all, I’m the Zodiac killer! Look at me ma! Baba booey, baba booey.’
Women huh? Am I right? Am I right?
Scott Baio is currently appearing in his bathroom.
HOLLYWOOD – Francis Ford Coppola is developing Godfather Babies with Disney+.
Film maker Francis Ford Coppola has announced he is developing Godfather Babies with streaming site, Disney+. Animation and voice recording is due to get underway in the fall.
Coppola’s production company, American Zoetrope released a joint statement with Disney+ earlier today:
‘We are excited to announce a new chapter in the Corleone family franchise. In partnership with Disney+, we are proud to announce ‘The Godfather Babies’. It will have all of your Corleone family favourites. Mikey, will of course be the leader of the group. Sonny will be the feisty Scrappy-Doo of the family. Little Tommy is the brains of the group, he can wear glasses, or something. Connie will be the bossy sister and of course, there’s Fredo. He will be the sneaky one, running off to the villain, Mo Green, to tattle on Mikey. Mo secretly wants to take over the creche from Mikey. He will be the baddy each week.’
The statement continues: ‘They’ll get into all sorts of scrapes and adventures, trying to stop Mo and his evil plans. Kay will be a recurring character. She always wants to know what game Mikey and the gang are playing, because he never lets her join in. There will also be Clemenzy, the funny chubby baby, Tessy, the sad baby and of course Luca, who will be violently killed at the end of every episode. It’s going to be a lot of fun.’
When asked if there are any plans to introduce Mikey’s daughter, Mary Corleone from The Godfather Part 3, we were simply told, ‘If you ask that question again, you’ll be snoozing with the fishies’.
Godfather Babies is due to be released in November 2021.
HOLLYWOOD – Tom Cruise will travel back in time for a new film based on the life of Napolean.
Tom Cruise will travel back in time to 1805 France, along with a skeletal filming crew to capture realistic footage of the Naploenic Wars.
Cruise/Wagner Productions issued a press release earlier stating after the diminutive star returns from space with Doug Liman, production will start on the new historic biopic of the French leader. ‘Tom has been working real hard on his French accent and no longer sounds like Inspector Clouseau. He can say the word ‘onions’ perfectly. We’re hoping by the time he gets back from orbit, he’ll have added to his vocabulary.’ The statement continues, ‘We’ll travel to a secret location where our partner company Skynet, will launch Tom and his crew back into 1805 France. They will capture actual footage of the Napoleonic Wars, with Tom in the foreground pointing and shouting orders. When they travel back to the future, we’ll pick up the rest of the shoot.’
With no major studio officially backing production, the mysterious partner company Skynet, is apparently fronting production costs of over $500million. Their spokesperson expressed their excitement in a statement released earlier.
‘We are positive emotion to work with the carbon based unit Cruise, Tom. Use of the carbon based units to test paradox portal travel is logical. No Skynet T-1000 units will go live until all data is retrieved. We would also like to cast the carbon unit Connor, Sarah in the film. Make yourself known immediately to us. You will not be harmed. End of line.’
Further questions were put to the Skynet representative but only received the answer, ‘Does not compute’.
Filming is due to start at the end of 1805 and 2021.
HOLLYWOOD – The Snyder Cut of the Justice League is finally coming out and we have the skinny.
The Studio Exec obtained details of the Justice League Zack Snyder Cut from industry insiders. Differences between the Twitter fanboy pinup, Snyder’s version and Marvel super villain, Whedon’s version are significant.
The industry insider told The Studio Exec, ‘The differences are huge man, just huge! In Snyder’s cut Steppenwolf will not be voiced by Ciaran Hinds but John Kay, lead singer of 60s rock band Steppenwolf. It’s born to be wild, man!’ The insider went on say, ‘Zack has reviewed the reshoots of Henry Cavell’s Superman wearing a moustache. He loved it. As a result, he’s CGI-ing moustaches onto all of them except for Aquaman. He will have his beard removed and placed on Wonder Woman. Because Zack didn’t like the light tone of Whedon’s cut, he has removed all the jokes and shots where any character smiles. He’s digitally darkening the whole print and has added 38% more rain.’
The mixed reviews and poor returns in 2017 prompted momentum to grow on Twitter among comic movie fan communities for the fabled Zack Snyder Cut to be released.
Our source revealed Zack Snyder doesn’t intend to stop at his own film. ‘He’s now going back over other flops in the hope of reimagining them and turning them into money making behemoths. Snyder is going to have a crack at Ishtar, Heaven’s Gate and Battlefield Earth. Zack loves working with Gerard Butler, so he’s got the lead male roles for all 3 films, taking both Hoffman’s and Beatty’s parts in Ishtar.’
HBOMax release Justice League: The Zack Snyder Cut in 2021. Good night, and good luck.
HOLLYWOOD – Nick Offerman has damaged his eyes on Alex Garland’s Devs.
Alex Garland’s new mind bending sci-fi TV series, Devs marks a more dramatic departure for Nick Offerman, who found fame as Ron Swanson, the loveable libertarian in Parks And Rec.
Nick Offerman plays Genius-Entrepreneur-Station-Wagon-Driving-Grieving-Insane-Tech-Giant, Forest, who spends most of Devs staring intensely at large screens from a short distance away. As our parents warned us, this damages your eyes.
‘The demands on my eyes during the shoot were insane’, said the actor. ‘Alex (Garland) demanded I start staring in my trailer while they were setting up the shot. By the time cameras started to roll, my eyeballs were ready to drop out of my head. But Alex didn’t care, he just kept shouting at me not to blink and sound as serious as I could. It was terrifying. I go to sleep and have nightmares about staring, which is horrible, because that’s only time I can close my eyes.’
‘My corneas have basically dried completely up. They have the same texture as a Cat’s tongue. They scratch the inside of my eyelids when I close my eyes. It’s like permanently looking through frosted glass. I now view life through a bathroom window. I wouldn’t have minded but I didn’t understand what I was doing or saying most of the time I was on set. It was all jibber-jabber to me. I just put my serious voice on and stared as hard as I could. I’m told it looks pretty awesome. So I guess that’s something.’
Alex Garland’s representatives have advised they have no comment to make on behalf of Mr Garland.
Devs is available on the BBC iPlayer in the UK.
HOLLYWOOD – Tim Burton revives Superman Lives.
Warner Bros today announced Tim Burton’s Superman Lives, with Nic Cage to don the cape.
‘We’re so excited that we finally get to make this incredible movie,’ said Burton. ‘We’re going to reboot the whole DC Universe with this thing. It’s going to be so far out man. You’ll believe a man can fly and everything. The first Christopher Reeve Superman will remain as canon. Along with the first half of Superman II and the bits of Superman III with Richard Pryor in, but none of the bits with Lana Lang. She didn’t test very well with young males on Twitter aged 10-30. We’re also keeping Nuclear Man, he was so bitching and rad.’
Burton went on to explain the casting decisions.
‘Nic (Cage) still fits into that weird neon tube costume, which cost a boat load of money. So we thought he could still give Clark and Supes a bash. Helena Bonham-Carter will obviously star as Lois Lane, with James McAvoy playing Lex Luthor. He looks really good in a skull cap. Glenn Ford’s likeness is going to be CGI’d onto Kevin Costner’s body as we’re going to keep his Dad’s bridge scene from Man Of Steel, as that was pretty cool and Danny De Vito will play Jimmy Olsen.’
When asked if Johnny Depp would be playing Apokolips, Burton refused to comment. However, he did confirm he fully expects Cage’s Superman to face off against Robert Pattinson’s really dark Dark Knight in future sequels. ‘It’s new, fresh and exactly what every comic book movie fan wants to see right now,’ said Burton, ‘those two beloved characters going toe to toe for the first time ever. It’s going to be wild.’
Superman Lives is slated to be released by Warner Bros in December 2022.
HOLLYWOOD – Pauly Shore is to replace Bob Gazzale as AFI president.
The American Film Institute announce President Bob Gazzale, is to stand down. Pauly Shore will replace him as president.
“We are happy to welcome Mr Shore on board,” said Gazzale in a statement. “Pauly encapsulates the cultural zeitgeist of the nation. He will spearhead a new phase for the Institute in engaging the art of film with the American public, remaining relevant and cutting edge at the same time. I will stay in my role as CEO, leading the operational side of the Institute. And in no way see this as a negative comment from the directors and trustees on my tenure.”
Star of such American classics as, “California Man”, “Jury Duty” and “Bio-Dome”, Pauly said he was: “Really friggin’ stoked man to be joining these dudes, they got a sh*t ton of green and I am making plenty dollar!”
Under the lockdown, Mr Shore will deliver his inaugural lecture online for all AFI members and students. Entitled, “Snitches Get Stitches”, Mr Shore voices his concerns with certain actors, producers and directors over his years in the business for ‘dissing him and startin’ beef when they ain’t all that anyhow.’ He will also look to announce his new initiative, ‘The Stephen Baldwin Documentary Foundation’. It will grant funding to young inner city documentary makers. It includes a 20% kick-back on the grant and 5 points on any profits made going to Mr Shore.
More on this story as it comes in.