WHERE EAGLES DARE REMAKE RELEASE DELAYED AGAIN

HOLLYWOOD – Len Wiseman’s remake of the Second World War classic Where Eagles Dare pushed to 2023.

The Where Eagles Dare remake scheduled for a Fall release will now show in early 2023. The action-packed snow-bound reboot sees Shia LaBeouf take the role Shaffer played by Clint Eastwood whereas Jude Law takes on the mantle of Richard Burton as Major Smith. Len Wiseman ‘director’ says that the film will be an improvement on the original.

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RYAN MURPHY: DAHMER SEASON 2 ‘FULL OF SURPRISES’

HOLLYWOOD – Netflix super-show Dahmer gets a second season.

Dahmer has split opinion the way his drill split skulls. But showrunner  Ryan Murphy is not making any apology for his serial killing hit.

‘All those motherfxxkers can fxxk off,’ he told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY. ‘Yeah if it’s Ted Bundy, you all cream in your shorts, but no love for poor Jeffrey huh? Wonder why?’

But how are you going to shoot a second season? Didn’t you kind of tell the whole story?

I don’t recognise that as a legitimate question. You wouldn’t ask Game of Thrones guys why did you bring back Jon Snow? Or the Ancient Egyptians when they made Dallas, why they brought back Bobby Ewing? That question is unfair and stupid.

You make points.

Why thank you!

There’s no need to take off your hat with such a flourish. And anyway, those shows are different.

How so?

They’re not based on real life.

Neither’s Dahmer.

Dahmer is based on real life though.

No, it isn’t. Are you telling me Jeffrey Dahmer was a real person who actually murdered people and ate people and did all the horrible things we show?

Yes. 

Who the fuck would want to see such a thing?

I know.

Jesus Christ. And think of how the families of the victims must feel. I think I feel ill.

Well, people have brought that up. Including the families of the victims. 

Fuck that’s disgusting. To think someone trying to make such pain and suffering into edgy entertainment. What assholes we all are?

So no Season 2 huh?

What are you talking about? Dahmer in Space is going to blow your motherfxxking minds!

Dahmer in Space is due in 2024.

 

 

JOHNNY DEPP JOINS STAR STUDDED RENATGHOST MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – Johnny Depp to play Timothy Claypole in big screen adaptation of Rentaghost. 

Johnny Depp is attempting to rehabilitate his reputation forcing the Amber Head trials with a new film: Rentaghost. Based on the 1970s BBC TV children’s show, Rentaghost is described by Warner Bros as ‘a supernatural comedy in the style of The Frighteners and Ghostbusters.’

The synopsis reads:

Having died in a car accident, Fred Mumford (Tom Hardy) runs the Rentaghost agency in a bid to find work for himself and fellow ghosts. Medieval mischief maker Timothy Claypole (Johnny Depp) and Hubert Davenport (Taika Waititi), a phantom from the Victorian era. Together they offer house haunting for hire and Poltergeists on demand.

‘Gadzooks!’ you might say and you’d be right. Miss Popov – a hay fever sufferer who transubstantiates whenever she sneezes – and Hazel McWitch, a Scottish weird sister are due to be played by Jennifer Lawrence and Florence Pugh respectively.

Takeshi ‘Beat’ Kitano will helm the picture.

Rentaghost is due out in 2023.

PETER JACKSON’S MAGICAL MYSTERY TOUR WILL BE 10 HOURS

WELLINGTON – Get Back director Peter Jackson signs on to direct Magical Mystery Tour.

Magical Mystery Tour disappointed many Beatles fans on its release in 1967. Following the success of Get Back, Peter Jackson announced yesterday that his follow up is a reimagining and re-editing of the film. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec, Jackson had this to say:

The tragedy of Magical Mystery Tour is that the album has so many great songs. There’s the title track of course. But you also have Penny Lane, I Am the Walrus…

Fool on the Hill.

No, I hate Fool on the Hill. Anyway, we have all these wonderful songs and then this film that by comparison doesn’t stand up.

So what are you going to do?

This film was the first time the public didn’t respond well to the Beatles. And yet they shot over ten hours of footage. Now, imagine how great when I remaster and digitally fix all that footage and edit it together. It’ll be amazing.

How long will your film be?

Ten hours. Obviously.

The film tells the story of the Fab Four as they take a tour on a psychedelic bus with Ivor Cutler and other guests along for the ride. Initially shown on Boxing Day in black and white by the BBC, it did not receive a warm reception. John Lennon blamed the BBC but many saw Paul McCartney as the culprit. The film credits the Beatles as writers and directors, as well as starring in the film and providing the music.

Peter Jackson’s Magical Mystery Tour will be on Disney+

GEORGE CLOONEY TO PLAY DEL BOY IN ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES REBOOT

HOLLYWOOD – George Clooney cast as Del Boy in Hollywood version of Only Fools and Horses.

The news rocked the film world today that George Clooney is to star in the Hollywood version of the classic BBC comedy Only Fools and Horses. A remake has been in the works for years but many thought it would never see the light of day after Warner Bros cancelled Ridley Scott’s five hour version. Mr Nespresso – as he prefers to be known – talked exclusively with the Studio Exec:

The thing is that in England you want to play Hamlet. Every actor does. Because that’s the role. That’s the role where you prove how good you are. Del Boy is exactly that kind of role. To be honest we used to watch Only Fools and Horses when we on set shooting ER and I would always say: Christ, if only… Me and Anthony Edwards would memorizes whole routines. And we’d just go. So this is a dream come true for me.

George Clooney is also taking the director’s chair hoping that this time he’ll win back some of the credibility he lost with Midnight Sky, and Monuments Men, and Leatherheads. The original series starred David Jason as the London conman and wide boy who makes his money with a thousand dodgy schemes, helped by his hapless younger brother Rodney.

Clooney was all over the casting like a rash.

Casting Rodney is the most important thing. Yes, Del Boy is the star, but without a Rodney to match him. What Nicholas Lyndhurst did with that role…! I mean, we all love Goodnight Sweetheart, but compared to Rodney it was like a puddle of sick versus a chicken korma. Luckily Brad Pitt loved the script.

Only Fools and Horses The Motion Picture hits screens in 2022.

DENIS VILLENEUVE WEARS A REALLY HORRIBLE SCARF

HOLLYWOOD – Denis Villeneuve came under fire for wearing a horrible scarf.

The film world was reeling yesterday when a picture revealed Denis Villeneuve wearing a shit scarf. One Hollywood insider told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

This could be the end of the Canadian. You don’t come back from a scarf like that. I mean what was he thinking?

The Blade Runner 2049 director wore the black scarf while apparently directing Javier Bardem who plays Stilgar in the new adaptation of Dune. This seemed to make everyone angrier. Scarf critic Gerald Waters told the Exec:

I mean, he’s in the desert! How cold can his neck be?

However, Waters also told us that Denis Villeneuve has form. “A few years ago, he wore this scarf… I don’t even know how to describe it,” Waters gags a little. “It was at the premiere of Arrival. I couldn’t believe it. I said what the hell do you think you’re doing? He said oh it’s an accessory. An accessory to fashion murder. And he laughed. He actually thought I was joking.”

David Fincher, Denis’ best friend, told the Exec that we should all give the Blade Runner 2049 director the benefit of the doubt. “He’s like a child, he hasn’t got a clue,” said the Fight Club director.

Dune will premiere at The Venice Film Festival.

 

 

MULTI BILLION DOLLAR CORPORATION DISNEY ACCUSE SCARLETT JOHANSSON OF JUST WANTING MONEY

HOLLYWOOD – Disney attack Scarlett Johansson for wanting more money.

In a statement released today, Disney have attacked Black Widow star Scarlett Johansson for wanting more money. The statement reads:

It is with great sadness more than anger that we have seen Scarlett Johansson launching a lawsuit against us because we’ve been trying to bilk her out of money. Let’s get one thing absolutely clear: we were bilking her for the sake of the children. Of course, we can never know if any children have died as a direct result of her unscrupulous demands, but within the last 48 hours some children have definitely died in the world and so we leave it to you to draw your own conclusions. Here, at Disney the most important thing for us is art and morality. Self sacrifice comes a close third and of course the children are neck and neck with helping old people to cross the road bringing up the field.  So imagine – if you will – our consternation! Our outrage and heartbreak at this mercenary slattern daring to sully our minds with talk of commerce.

Capitalism

There’s a real stink of capitalism in all this. When we set out to make a bunch of movies about superheroes saving the world from a blue light coming from the sky, we made it clear that we were doing it for humanitarian reasons. Yes. And for the kids. All the money we got, we gave away. We gave it to our CEOs; and we gave some to our stars; we even gave some to tax deductible charity organisations. In fact, we even gave some of it to Scarlett. But oh no! She wants more. More, more, more. But if we gave it all to her, how could we give it to our shareholders. They’re not called “shares” for nothing.

So we home Ms. Johansson will thinking of the children she has unwittingly killed by this reckless action. Think of the cutest animal, with really big eyes and a slight lisp when it sings. Now imagine Scarlett Johansson hitting it with a hammer. Bang, bang, bang. Until it is nothing but a soggy blood soaked rag of gore. That is the image we want you to take away.  That is the image that best shows up this whole situation.

When phoned for comment, Scarlett Johansson issued one of the loudest sounding farts this reporter has ever heard. And I interviewed John Candy.

Black Widow is currently on Netflix.

 

CHRISTOPHER LAMBERT RETURNS FOR MORTAL KOMBAT

HOLLYWOOD – Christopher Lambert returns to the Mortal Kombat franchise.

Christopher Lambert announced he was returning to the character of Lord Raiden for the new Mortal Kombat film. He spoke with SE about the upcoming American martial arts fantasy action film directed by Simon McQuoid.

I fucking love doing these films. I had such a great time on the first. Hopefully this time I’ll get a chance to do a bit more fighting. Fucking amazing stuff.

The film of the video game franchise of the same name created by Ed Boon and John Tobias will serve as a reboot to the Mortal Kombat film series. It also stars Lewis Tan, Jessica McNamee, Josh Lawson, Tadanobu Asano, Mehcad Brooks, Ludi Lin, Chin Han, Joe Taslim, and Hiroyuki Sanada.

Lambert – who insists on being called Connor McCloud – could not contain his excitement.

I could shit through the eye of a needle, I’m so happy. This is my year. I’m on the way back. The only thing I don’t like is the fact that they spell it with a K. That’s just bullshit. It should be Mortal Combat. With a C. What is it? This is some sort of outerspacey thing. They have all the other letters in the alphabet but not a C? Come on, guys. Mortal Combat! There can be only one. Argggh!

What’s the matter Connor?

It’s the Quickening!

Mortal Kombat is scheduled to be released on April 23, 2021, simultaneously in theaters and on the HBO Max streaming service.

DAVID FINCHER ANNOUNCES FARNABY

HOLLYWOOD – David Fincher’s next film will be Farnaby.

Following his huge box office busting success with Mank, David Fincher has turned his attention to a new project: Farnaby. We spoke to the Zodiac himself in the SE bungalow at half past midnight last night.

What the haps DF?

I’m into this new project. It’s called Farnaby. It’s a paean to British filmmaking. I look at the iconic movie Paddington 2 and the enormous battle that Simon Farnaby went through to get his vision written. Only for his erstwhile pal Paul King to come along and seize the glory from him. It’s a really horrible history.

So this is because Paddington 2 has overtaken Citizen Kane on Rotten Tomatoes?

Not at all my dead dad wrote a screenplay about it decades ago. In fact it was prophetic because this was long before there was even the idea of doing a Paddington movie. Originally it was called The Hard Stare, but we took a look at it and rewrote the title to make it more up to date.

That’s amazing. 

Fuck yeah! Sure it is. I’m amazing and you’re going to love the way we film it with this new digital camera, which will mean you’ll actually be able to taste the marmalade. We wanted to get inside Simon Farnaby’s head and really root around in there. Find out where he came up with such great ideas. Everyone is all: oh Paul King is such a genius. Paul King is such an auteur. I know I’m going to get in trouble for this with a lot of film critics and cineastes but it’s time we pulled the idols down from their pedestals. Look I’m David Fincher. Everyone knows I’m amazing. But I also appreciate the writer and credit the writer. Like the guy who wrote Se7en, Steve Something. Or the one who wrote The Social Network… I want to say Porkins?

You’re a bit of an iconoclast.

If I knew what that meant then yes certainly.

Farnaby is out in 2022.

5 FACTS ABOUT QUENTIN TARANTINO’S NEXT FILM

HOLLYWOOD – 5 FACTS on Quentin Tarantino’s new film for you.

As the director of acclaimed films like Jackie Brown, Reservoir Dogs, and Downton Abbey: The Final Showdown, there’s a lot of anticipation for what might be Quentin Tarantino’s next film. And the director has been pretty successful at keeping his next project a secret – until recently.

In the middle of a pandemic, we sent our crack team of interns on a fact-finding mission to Tarantino’s basement. And after sadly losing two interns along the way – they will be missed – the good news is that their sacrifice was not in vain. Thanks to these brave souls, we now know too much about Tarantino’s next film. Here’s the gist:

1. It’s gonna be his last film. Or not. As CinemaBlend.com writes, the man has been saying that he’s finished after his 10th film – in an effort to “leave them wanting more.” At the same time, Tarantino’s too young for a genius eccentric director, and those guys get to direct movies well into their senile years. It’s also hard to imagine Tarantino ever giving up directing.

2. Franchises aren’t off the table. In the past, he’s openly discussed interest in making the next Bond or Star Trek flick. Either way, there would be lots of opportunities for the Tarantino-verse to crossover with a beloved spy or science fiction franchise. We know we’re ready to see some Tarantino-directed Vulcan martial arts.

3. It’s gonna involve a board game somehow. No, seriously. As a feature on Poker.org reveals, Tarantino has fully settled into his role as an eccentric Hollywood director by starting a board game collection. In the man’s own eloquent words, “At first I chose lunch boxes. But they really rape you on lunch boxes. They’re just too f**king expensive. And as for dolls, well, you can’t have much fun with them. You have to keep them in the box. So, I started with board games.” By choosing an unexpectedly sensible hobby, Tarantino shocks us yet again with another jarring twist. Anyway, there’s a real chance that his next film is in some way related to a board game – as Tarantino has famously been inspired by the encyclopedic collection of films and vinyl records he keeps at home.

4. It’s gotta be Kill Bill 3, right? How else is he gonna cap off arguably the coolest filmography in Hollywood? Let Vernita Green’s daughter have her vengeance on The Bride. And it better involve a Hattori Hanzō blade.

5. Look, enough with the jokes and fake news. Here’s the real deal on Tarantino’s next movie. Due for release sometime in 2022, the director’s 10th and last film is called Charlie Manson Ate My Cat. It’s a magic realist rom-com starring It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’s Charlie Day as Charles Manson, with Brad Pitt reprising his Once Upon a Time in Hollywood role as stunt man Cliff Booth. Fresh off a Razie from her performance in Cats, Dame Judi Dench will be playing the cat. We’re not happy about it either, but it’s what our interns tell us. Those guys have no reason to lie to us. And that’s a fact.

KRISTEN STEWART GETS A BUCKET OF PENCILS FOR HER BIRTHDAY

HOLLYWOOD – Kristen Stewart expressed perplexity at her birthday gift.

Twilight and Personal Shopper star Kristen Stewart today responded with perplexity at receiving a bucket of pencils for her 31st birthday.

Talking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, she said:

I mean, I don’t want to be ungrateful, but pencils? And in a bucket? It doesn’t feel like the most uhm…

Appropriate?

Yeah, I guess. Appropriate gift to be giving a thirty one year old woman. I mean uhm… what?

Maybe it’s because you are creative. Artistic like.

Uhm. Okay? I guess. But err… why in a bucket? I mean the way champagne comes in a bucket, okay that I understand. But why put pencils in a bucket?

It makes them easier to carry around. 

I suppose so. So you think I just walk around with a bucket full of colored pencils so I can do um … drawings I guess?

Or coloring in.

Coloring in. Yeah. I guess, er … that makes a bit more sense.

We kept the receipt.

You did? Oh! Wow. I don’t suppose… I mean I don’t want to seem ungrateful or anything like that. But you know I can think of something else that I need.

Oh right. What?

There are these erasers that are shaped like hamburgers and they smell like them too. They’re um … neat.

Kristen Stewart will appear in Spenser soon.

 

BEN AFFLECK TO STAR IN TIM BURTON’S SUPERMAN LIVES

HOLLYWOOD – Ben Affleck cast as the Man of Steel in Superman Lives.

Tim Burton‘s Superman Lives will finally see the light of day with Ben Affleck taking the role of Superman. The long-gestating project which initially saw Nicolas Cage stuff the tights has finally got the green light. Burton told the SE EXCLUSIVELY:

Look, no one ever thought this could happen. Least of all me. This project broke my heart when it didn’t come off with Nick in the 90s, but now Ben is really keen. He says he loves the idea of putting his mark on the character.

We asked Ben how he felt taking over the character having played Batman and having to rival Henry Cavill’s recent turn.

Well, I shared a screen with Henry in a couple of movies. And I got a chance to study him really closely. I couldn’t help but think: what a dick! It really irked me day after to day to see him trying to hide his moustache and stumble over even the most simple line readings. One say we almost came to blows. Fortunately Zack was there to remind us that our mothers both shared the same name. Agatha or something.

Martha?

Yeah, that was it. Anyway, I’ve always wanted to play Superman and Matt Damon’s hair is thinning now so he won’t mind playing Lex Luthor I guess.

Tim Burton’s Superman Lives begins filming in June.

ZACK SNYDER TO TAKE OVER MARVEL UNIVERSE

HOLLYWOOD – Justice League director Zack Snyder to take over Marvel Universe.

Following his success at releasing Zack Snyder‘s Justice League, the 300 director Zack Snyder is due to take over the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Kevin Feige today announced that he would step down from his position overseeing the MCU:

I know when I’m beat. I’ve watched what Zack has achieved over at DC and I know he’s the man to reverse our fortunes.

Although Zack won’t be the first director to move between the two universes – James Gunn went in the other direction – he will eb the most high profile director to have done so. In many ways, Snyder is as much the face of DC as Feige has represented for Marvel. However, the Snydster – as he insists on us calling him – seemed blithely dismissive of any objections.

Fans, you know, fuck ’em! The way I see it is that there aren’t any universes. There’s just one universe the Snyderverse. That’s what I’ll concentrate all my efforts to bring into existence. I mean let’s face it: there are so many things I can do. The DC Universe is kind of done. I don’t want to say I perfect it, but I kinda did. What else can I do? I mean, realistically?

With that Zack turned and walked away in slow motion as a thousand crows fell to his feet.

Batman Vs Superman Vs Spiderman starts filming in May.

WAS STANLEY KUBRICK MURDERED?

LONDON – A new book asks the question: Was Stanley Kubrick murdered?

Stanley Kubrick‘s life was surrounded by a miasma of legend and rumor. His films are the rich breeding ground for OCD analysis, OCD analysis and some more OCD analysis; and now his death has become the subject of  a new book by Hardy Mantellance – Who Killed Stanley Kubrick?

The Stanley Kubrick scholar claims that the Spartacus director was done in by a fatal confluence of Masonic Satanism, poison and an unbalanced man who had been fatally damaged by watching Barry Lyndon every night for eighteen years. 

I spoke to Hardy Mantellance in her West London home. 

Stanley Kubrick suffered a myocardial infarction in his sleep shortly after completing Eyes Wide Shut. A myocardial infarction is relatively simple to provoke with the use of poison. Who do we know who uses poisons in all his films and had a deadly rivalry with Stanley Kubrick?  Steven Spielberg.

But Spielberg was Stanley Kubrick’s friend!

Until they began to develop the script for AI together, at which point a deadly enmity grew between them over the creative disagreement. Kubrick wanted to make a ‘good film’. After Kubrick’s death no one was there to stop Spielberg from making a ‘bad film’, exactly as he had always wanted.   

So you’re accusing Oscar winner Steven Spielberg of murder?

That’s what they want you to think.

Who’s they?

The Saturn Death Cult who Kubrick had so brilliantly exposed in Eyes Wide Shut. The Saturn Death Cult are a secret group made up of the elite from business, politics and celebrity. They perform ritual sex orgies which culminate in human sacrifice and their members include that old enemy of Stanley Kubrick, Jack Nicholson.

What?

The night Kubrick died Nicholson was overheard to say at a Lakers game, ‘We did it!’ At the time people thought he was referring to the Lakers victory, but it was only afterwards some right minded folk realised he was actually referring to the successful conspiracy to do away with the man who had forced Nicholson to say ‘Here’s Johnny!’ 78 times, even though his name is actually Jack.

So Nicholson murdered Kubrick?

Ha ha, how innocent you are! But ask yourself this, if Nicholson killed Kubrick, why was Nicole Kidman unable to contain her tears on the Eyes Wide Shut featurette?

Because she was sad at the passing of a man she admired.

Those were tears of joy. Following the orders of her Svengali like husband – Tom Cruise – whose own religious cult Scientology had just signed a pact with the Saturn Death Cult worth billions of dollars, Nicole Kidman had baked some cupcakes which were laced with a powerful chemical provided by Steven Spielberg and concocted in his ‘Temple of Doom’ laboratory deep in the Hollywood hills and placed in a Tupperware container bought from a Kmart by Jack Nicholson on the twenty fifth anniversary of the Apollo moon landings, moon landings which were faked convincingly by Stanley Kubrick who was as a reward given the right to make any film he liked, even Barry Lyndon.

The fact would be exposed in Capricorn One directed by Peter Hyams, whose silence was bought by being given the apparently peach job of making a sequel to 2001: a Space Odyssey, but the peach proved to be a poison apple and the film – 2010: the Year We Make Contact – was a critical disaster. Hyams (who grew up two doors down from Ryan O’Neal) spent the rest of his life watching Barry Lyndon on a loop and plotting revenge, a revenge that was only made possible by a coincidental meeting with Malcolm McDowell, the actor made famous by A Clockwork Orange, but who Stanley Kubrick had humiliated when he once, June 7th, 1978, asked if Malcolm had lost any weight, knowing full well that Malcolm had not. 

So Peter Hyams, Malcolm McDowell, Steven Spielberg, Nicole Kidman, Tom Cruise, the Church of Scientology,  Jack Nicholson and the Satan Death Cult all conspired to kill Stanley Kubrick?

It would be comforting to think so, wouldn’t it? But the truth is actually a lot darker. Shelley Duvall…

At this point my recording device cut out and the rest of the interview is lost. Coincidence? I don’t know. 

Hardy Mantellance’s Who Killed Stanley Kubrick? is available from Amazon and all good book stores.