ASHTON KUTCHER’S DOGS SUICIDE NOTE FOUND
LOS ANGELES – Recent pictures of actor and entrepreneur Ashton Kutcher carrying his sick dog to the vets to be put to sleep touched the hearts of thousands of pet lovers the world over. Kutcher, who is currently dating actress Mila Kunis, was photographed with a distraught look on his face as he delivered the canine to his final destination but The Studio Exec has received a copy of a note allegedly left by his recently deceased pooch which suggests that his relationship with Kutcher was not what it seemed.
If my plan has worked, I am now dead and let me tell you, I couldn’t be more relieved. When Kutcher picked me up from the rescue home a year ago, I only had a vague idea who he was. I’d seen The Butterfly Effect and that shitty Vegas film he made withCameron Diaz and though it was obvious he was a crappy actor, I thought, ‘Hey, this guy’s got a bit of money flying around so I’m bound to get a few juicy bones and a thick blanket to sleep on.’ Hell, at my age that’s the best you can hope for.
Anyway, for a couple of months I enjoyed living the high life but the more time I spent in Kutcher’s company the more I realised what an insufferably earnest asshole he is. Every day it’s bla bla bla this new biotechnology is sooo cool yadda f*cking yadda here’s some random charitable cause I’ve got a hard on for. I mean have you read his damn twitter profile it says something like “I make stuff, actually I make up stuff, stories mostly, collaborations of thoughts, dreams, and actions. That’s me.” See that’s a prime example of the kind of mawkish f*cking drivel he comes out with on a daily basis and I just can’t stand it any more so I’ve decided to cash in my chips and take that one way trip to the big dog basket in the sky. I thought about chewing my own tail off and choking myself to death but I couldn’t get a firm enough grip so in the end, I’m just going to go out into the garage and eat a fat bag of rat poison.
Please send my collar and chew toys to my brother Sal who is currently doing time in the kennels for eating George Clooney’s pot bellied pig.
See you on the other side.
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