ARMIE HAMMER ARRESTED IN PLOT TO KILL JOHNNY DEPP
COLORADO – The showbiz world was reeling tonight when police unveiled an attempted murder of Johnny Depp by his erstwhile Lone Ranger co-star Armie Hammer.
“I’m not the co-star,” Hammer yelled as he was shoved into a police car. “I’m the star!”
Hammer immediately confessed under police questioning after he was found loitering outside Johnny Depp’s Colorado ranch with a crossbow and expensive photographic equipment. Apparently the Social Network co-stars had been infuriated by Depp’s appearance in the publicity material accompanying the release of The Lone Ranger.
“It’s called The Lone Ranger,” Hammer reasoned. “It’s not called Tonto.” Hammer apparently was set to kill Depp and then make a poster of his crime.
Also arrested were Orlando Bloom and Mia Wasikowska. The famously foul-mouthed Ms. Wasikowska complained bitterly, “I was fucking Alice and the film was called Alice in Wonderland, but who gets on the poster: that asshole, lick-ass piece of shit, Depp.”
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Bloom believed he was to be the star of Pirates of the Caribbean only to be told in no uncertain terms by Depp, “They all think that. And then by the fourth film, boom. You’re toast.”
Bloom was released as – even though he was found at the scene and had given a full and frank confession – the police chief said, “He just wasn’t convincing.”