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Thursday 9 July 2020
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VIGGO MORTENSEN BECOMES KING OF NEW ZEALAND

VIGGO MORTENSEN BECOMES KING OF NEW ZEALAND

WELLINGTON – Viggo Mortensen arrived in Wellington, New Zealand today to prepare for his coronation as Aragorn, King of New Zealand, which will also be renamed Middle Zealand.

The peaceful transfer of power will be overseen by John Key, the current Prime Minister who is expected to cede power to the mastermind behind the move, Peter Jackson.

Speaking Elfish, Mr. Mortensen said:

I have nothing against Queen Elizabeth II who has been a wonderful figure head for New Zealand, but it is time that the country moved forward to the Third Age.  

Liv Tyler is expected to join Aragorn as Queen Arwen, as ‘I have nothing better to do, and being Queen, I mean that’s like, neat?’ However, she caused some consternation when she referred to a party of welcoming Maoris as Orcs. Jackson was quick to repair the damage, pointing out that what with Dwarves and Elves living in peace with men, this was going to be a multicultural absolute monarchy.

King Aragorn said today:

New Zealand has given a lot to us as film makers. You gave us your union powers, your animals and now you’re going to give us absolute power so we can play out our fantasies at the state’s expense. And I swear, that on my first day in power, anyone less than six foot tall will no longer be allowed to wear shoes.   

Other proposed changes include a banning of all technology, legislation to curb the use of dragons in mining operations and a controversial emigration policy for anyone over sixties who will be forcibly removed to the Grey Havens.

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