CUPERTINO, CA – In an attempt to repair some bad publicity, Apple have released a photograph of the Cloud hacked early last week and from which naked ‘selfies’ of hundreds of celebrities, including Jennifer Lawrence, were ‘untimely ripped’.
A spokesperson for the tech company walked Studio Exec through the photo:
As you can see the Cloud isn’t as big as many people assume. We’ve always believed that size is not particularly important when it comes to security, but perhaps we were wrong. If you look at the image closely, on the far right a little bit of the Cloud has detached and that is a result of the hacking.
We’re trying to reconstruct what happened even now but our latest hypothesis is that hackers went up to the Cloud in helicopters and then lowered each other towards the Cloud using ropes. Here they used ordinary hacksaws to breach the Cloud and snatch the nude pictures. This is totally uncool and we are absolutely bummed here at Apple, but if they were ever to make a movie out of it I think Kathryn Bigelow would be like a rad choice.
Apple have assured its users that a new Cloud is being constructed and all the data and selfies and what not will be rained onto that Cloud and absorbed. They have also confirmed that they have installed a new app which can detect anyone typing the words ‘Jennifer’ and ‘Lawrence’ and ‘nude’ and ‘selfies’ in any particular order and electrocute the typist with like a million volts of electricity. The same will also go for anyone typing Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Kirsten Dunst or basically any girl’s name.