NEW YORK – Any woman in the media who says anything about anything not already agreed by publicists and media consultants must be described as ‘outspoken’ and or ‘vocal’: and anything mildly critical must be characterised as a ‘rant’.

Every September journalist receive the new Lexicon, sent via email, or hand delivered by flying monkeys – if you work at News International – which lists the words and phrases to be used in any given situation. Women are in for a particularly hard time as any woman – actor, singer, performer – is to be described as ‘outpsoken, and/or vocal’ if she oversteps the agreed upon script. Media Lawyer Matt Habry told the Studio Exec:

Of course, nothing much is going to change as we’ve now been doing this for a few years, but it is good for us all to be reading from the same play book. I don’t foresee sanctions for anyone refusing to stick to the Lexicon but if you want to please your editors, editors to please their owners and everyone to be happy, then it would be worth your time to familiarize yourselves with it.

Included in the new Lexicon is the replacement of the old word ‘criticize’ with the more violent sounding ‘slam’.

Basically any argument or difference of a opinion must be visualized as a physical confrontation. People must be crushed, destroyed, tord to shreds, slammed (of course), roasted and burned. If anyone speaks for more than two minutes about something then it is a ‘rant’.

The Lexicon will be in place from midnight tonight.

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