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Thursday 1 October 2020
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ANGUS T. JONES REFUSES TO GROW A DECENT BEARD

ANGUS T. JONES REFUSES TO GROW A DECENT BEARD

COLORADO – Former child star of uber-popular sitcom Two and a Half Men where he played the hilarious half, Jake Harper, Angus T. Jones has once more shocked the world with a statement in which he explicitly refuses to grow a decent beard.

His statement reads:

It is against my Christian beliefs which I hold very close to my heart to grow a proper man bush. This scraggly pubic horror that you see lingering here beneath my nose and mouth is a sign that I am not pray to the vanity that currently disgusts me and any right minded Christian folk. If the Lord wishes to remove this abomination from my face, then he in his Almighty goodness could do so with even the lightest of breezes. That breeze is yet to come.

Many have criticized Charlie Sheen for encouraging the young actor, but blame has also fallen on Ashton Kutcher who has a record of sporting less than totally convincing facial herbage.  Mr. Kutcher could not be reached as he is currently engaged to marry Mila Kunis and, well…

Christian groups however have also come out and criticized Jones. Pastor Hampton, a theologian of mustaches, beards, whiskers and goatees told Studio Exec:

Mr. Jones is being very restrictive in his reading of the Bible. Although Leviticus does state ‘Lo! Bless the growth upon thy chops be it never so scrawny and look not away at another man’s beard with envy’. But we know for a FACT that Moses and Noah had beards. And we’re talking Sequoias in comparison to Angus’ butt fluff. And were they not holy men?

 However Jones is unrepentant and his sect – Church of the Barefaced Jesus – is also fully supportive. ‘It is a fact,’ said the head of the sect Barney Stump. ‘That our Lord Christ is depicted in the earliest renderings as a bare faced youth. The beard was only added by the Byzantines later, where a beard was a symbol of kingship.’

If you have a view on Angus T. Jones’ beard please use the comment box below to leave your thought droppings.  

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