Wednesday 30 September 2020
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HOLLYWOOD –  Amy Schumer has bought the skeleton of beloved comedian, Bill Hicks, during a private auction at Christie’s.

In what was described as a ‘tense and dramatic’ exchange, Schumer outbid Dave Chappelle and walked away with the bones for the princely sum of $3.5 million.

Denis Leary, the former owner of Hicks’ corpse, said he was pleased Bill had gone to Schumer:

“I love Amy, we’re cut from the same cloth,” said Leary:

I’ve kept Bill in the lounge of my Malibu beach house for over 20 years. I figured the least I could do for the guy was to stuff him and put him on display for the macabre amusement of my friends. After all, I owe everything I have to him, including several pieces of bespoke furniture I had fashioned out of his skin.

According to an anonymous source, Schumer has a secret history of purchasing the remains of dead comedians:

Early last year she bought the heart of Gary Shandling for $800,000. I was present and it was a strange old affair. As soon as Gary passed, Amy appeared at the side of his bed with her own private team of surgeons. One hour later, she was consuming his heart during a make-shift voodoo ceremony in the corner of the room. Apparently you can only steal the comedian’s powers if the heart is still fresh.

It is not known what Amy plans to do with Hicks’ skeleton but yesterday her neighbour complained on Twitter that she could hear the “Sound of cracking bones and the smell of cooked bone marrow coming from over the fence.”

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