nicolas cage

HOLLYWOOD – Following the discovery that two ‘fake’ Nicolas Cage films had been sold at Cannes earlier this year, it has been revealed that in fact all Nicolas Cage films are fake Nicolas Cage films. 

Swiss film historian and cheese expert Xavier Poulis explained:

There was a real Nic Cage. Nephew to Francis Ford Coppola, a talented guy. He can be spotted briefly in Rumble Fish. But soon after filming wrapped on that film, when he was out alone in the boonies walking his small basset hound, he was abducted by aliens. Ever since that time, the ‘Nic Cage’ we know, the one we’ve seen has actually been an alien impostor.

Poulis argues that the fact is common knowledge in the film community.

You can see it from the eccentricity of his performances. This is obviously a being which grew from a pod in some probably methane rich other world. And he’s trying desperately to learn what it means to be human and how to behave. At first, his alien superiors were all for pulling him out and retreating, but baffling though it was, Cage actually became popular. And even though directors know that he has four sex organs where most men have one, they hire him to give a special frisson to their films. David Lynch is the only director who believes Nic Cage to be human. So there you go. 

Nicolas Cage will be returning to his home planet in 2015.

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