ADAM SANDLER ARRESTED FOR FLOGGING A DEAD HORSE
“I was coming back from my night shift when I heard this commotion around the corner,” said pizza chef Joey Paste.
So I went to take a look and there was Sandler beating on this poor animal. I shouted over, ‘Hey Sandler. Stop beating on that dead horse’ and he just turned around and stared at me. His eyes were all bloodshot and he was foaming at the mouth. Well, I thought if I approach the guy he might start beating on me so I called the cops and they came and took him away.
We don’t know how he finds the horses. I mean there is never any evidence that he killed them himself. If there was we’d be able to charge him with animal cruelty. But every couple of months or so we get a call saying Sandler has been spotted laying into another one. We’ve asked him about it and tried to get him help but he refuses and so there is very little we can do other than charge him with disturbing the peace. Unfortunately, there is no current law which states that a person can’t pound a deceased horse to mush in a public place but we have petitioned the mayors office and he promises he will bring in the law after the next election. Until then it would really help us out if people started burying their horses rather than leaving them to rot on the pavement.
My client suffers from a rare sleep disorder and though he doesn’t deny he was present during these incidents, he has no memory of them occurring. He would never intentionally flog a dead horse
but his chronic affliction compels him to do so. Mr Sandler asked me to stress that he loves horses and all of Gods creatures in general. Except Cats: he can’t stand the parasitical f*ckers.