ABRAHAM LINCOLN TO APPEAR IN CIVIL WAR
HOLLYWOOD – Daniel Day-Lewis has confirmed that he will reprise his role as Abraham Lincoln in Captain America: Civil War.
Day-Lewis, who has been living on top of a pillar in the middle of the desert for the last two years, spoke exclusively to The Studio Exec about life, spirituality and the impending apocalypse.
Why are you living on top of a pillar in the middle of the desert?
Well, I was preparing to play the role of Simeon Stylites for Gasper Noe but unfortunately we couldn’t get the financing so the film has been cancelled.
So you’ve wasted your time?
Well, the malnourishment and dehydration have had an effect on my physical and mental health but I’ve had a lot of time to ponder the mysteries of the universe and I think I’ve finally figured out the meaning of life.
What is the meaning of life?
Marvel. Specifically, Marvel movie adaptations. I spent two years up this f*cking pillar getting into character for some art house film that never happened when all I needed to do was put on a tall hat and get paid five million dollars to punch Robert Downey Jr in the face.
So Abraham Lincoln is on Captain America’s side in Civil War?
I don’t know. I’ve not even read the script. Disney just sent a guy here with a suitcase full of money and I took the job. To be honest I’d have done it for a big mac meal and a stepladder.
So why are you still on top of the pillar?
I’ve ordered a stepladder from Amazon but it hasn’t come yet. I knew I should have paid the extra for next day delivery.
I can get you a ladder if you like?
No. God told me that I’ve got to get myself out of this. The Lord helps those who help themselves he told me.
You’ve spoken to God?
Well, I suppose it could be the Devil. It’s difficult to say. Let’s be honest, I’ve been living up a pillar in the middle of the desert for two years so everything I claim should be taken with a pinch of salt.
Don’t you think it’s unusual for Abraham Lincoln to be making an appearance in a Marvel movie?
Yeah. That’s probably not true. A couple of weeks ago Adam Sandler came to visit me and I agreed to star in The Wedding Singer 2.
Who did he ask you to play?
He asked if I’d reprise my character Christy Brown from ‘My Left Foot.’ I thought it was odd at the time but now I realise that it never happened and I’m completely insane.
So you’re not appearing in Civil War?
Then why am I here?
Well, chances are you’re not here, you’re a figment of my imagination and this conversation isn’t really happening.
Then who is writing this article?
Hey, I’m an actor, not a philosopher.