A TEMPLE TO JUNO TEMPLE OPENS IN LONDON
Nepotism poster child and occasional actress, Juno Temple was in Finsbury Park this morning at the opening of a £30 million Temple built in her honour.
Saudi businessman Fahim Al Harbi – owner of the world’s largest goat farm and the founder and only registered follower of Junoism, a religion based on the film career of the diminutive Miss Temple – declared to a gathered audience of dignitaries and journalists that today was one of the most significant days in the history of human civilisation. ‘Muhammad’s ascent into heaven, the sermon on the mount and the birth of Tom Cruise,’ said an inspiring Al Harbi.
These events have all influenced the major global religions and in turn, had a profound effect on art, culture and spirituality. The opening of this Temple to Juno Temple is a moment that will echo through the ages and lay the foundations for the inevitable domination of Junoism.
We believe that Juno Temple is the horizontal and the vertical. The sun rises and falls with her and she, and she alone, is the key to our salvation. Almighty God has bestowed upon me and me alone the power to interpret her performances and act as a conduit between her truth and the hearts and minds of her future acolytes.
Look Man. He’s paying me 200 grand to be here so I don’t care what the crazy bastard does. Personally I think he’s in urgent need of a CAT scan but if he keeps on paying, he can nail my effigy to a cross and set it on fire for all I care.