WERNER HERZOG ON THE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES

LAS VEGAS – Famed Bavarian film director Werner Herzog popped in to the Studio Exec bungalow to give his take on the Donald Trump Hillary Clinton Presidential Debates. Never in my life have I been witness to a scene of such obsidian darkness, primal savagery and moral corruption as that which I witnessed in Las … Continue reading “WERNER HERZOG ON THE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES”

WERNER HERZOG GETS A HAIRCUT

HOLLYWOOD – Resident Bavarian film director Werner Herzog shares his thoughts and ideas in his own inimitable accent. Every month, the first Wednesday of every month, I go to the Italian hairdresser on Melrose Giovanni’s and I have my hair cut. I never tell him how I would like it. When he asks ‘How would … Continue reading “WERNER HERZOG GETS A HAIRCUT”

WERNER HERZOG’S BEYONCE DOCUMENTARY BANNED IN POLAND

WARSAW – The new Werner Herzog documentary charting a year in the life of pop diva Beyoncé – and entitled Bouncy Beyoncé – will not be shown in the central European country of Poland, because authorities have declared it ‘non-existent’.  Werner Herzog said that he was disappointed but not at all surprised. The Poles have always had … Continue reading “WERNER HERZOG’S BEYONCE DOCUMENTARY BANNED IN POLAND”

WERNER HERZOG’S RECIPE FOR WILD MUSHROOM RISOTTO

HOLLYWOOD – The latest in a series in which guest columnist and Austrian film director Werner Herzog writes about arbitrary moments in his life. I have always been by far the most fantastic cook that you would ever hope to have prepare food for you. When we were making Fitzcarraldo my omelettes were legendary. Klaus Kinski … Continue reading “WERNER HERZOG’S RECIPE FOR WILD MUSHROOM RISOTTO”

WERNER HERZOG PLAYS GOLF

HOLLYWOOD – The latest in a series in which guest columnist and Austrian film director Werner Herzog writes about arbitrary moments in his life. My brother-in-law is an animal obsessed with the immediate fulfillment of his appetites. To watch him eat Chinese takeaway is to witness the the decay of the biomass of the universe … Continue reading “WERNER HERZOG PLAYS GOLF”

WERNER HERZOG’S TRIP TO DISNEYLAND

HOLLYWOOD – Our intrepid Austrian correspondent, Rescue Dawn director Werner Herzog, visited Disneyland. This is his report. First of all there is one matter that I fear must be resolved, or at the very least clarified. Disneyland is not a land as such. Not the way Iceland, or Greenland, or – Lord helps us all … Continue reading “WERNER HERZOG’S TRIP TO DISNEYLAND”

WERNER HERZOG SHOPS AT LIDL

In which our Austrian contributor, Fitzcarraldo director Werner Herzog, discusses his supermarket shopping habits. If one is to ever fully comprehend the depths of ennui laced with the sharp jags of hyperactive stupidity that characterizes our post-millennial world, one could do a lot worse than go to a supermarket and gaze transfixed by something that … Continue reading “WERNER HERZOG SHOPS AT LIDL”

WERNER HERZOG’S NEW YEAR RESOLUTION

In which our Austrian contributor Werner Herzog sees out the old year and rings in the new. The waxy corpse of 2014 is already a clammy cold thing, its stillness the most ghastly attribute. The deceased was many things – confusing, aggravating and bloody with murder – but it was also thrillingly active and to see her … Continue reading “WERNER HERZOG’S NEW YEAR RESOLUTION”

WERNER HERZOG’S CHRISTMAS

In which our guest contributor Austrian film director Werner Herzog describes his uniquely idiosyncratic Christmas experience. As Christmas approaches, I feel increasingly like I am trapped in one of Prince’s later more superfluous albums just before he felt it necessary to change his name to some strange hieroglyph that I still have difficulty pronouncing. I … Continue reading “WERNER HERZOG’S CHRISTMAS”

WERNER HERZOG GOES TO THE DENTIST

In which our new guest contributor, esteemed film director Werner Herzog, goes to the dentist. I have always been a solitary man by nature, but one who is plagued by the persistent anxiety that I am living in the middle of a Prince song, not his more recent stuff, but something from the Eighties or … Continue reading “WERNER HERZOG GOES TO THE DENTIST”

WERNER HERZOG TO STAR IN ‘GRITTY’ GREEN HORNET REBOOT

HOLLYWOOD – Columbia Pictures announced respected director Werner Herzog will take the lead role of Britt Reid in their upcoming reboot of the Green Hornet franchise. Herzog said in a statement that he is “looking forward to delving into the dark abyss of Britt Reid’s soul that makes him resort to this vigilantism,” and that “Seth Rogen can kiss my Bavarian … Continue reading “WERNER HERZOG TO STAR IN ‘GRITTY’ GREEN HORNET REBOOT”

WERNER HERZOG ATTACKED BY KLAUS KINSKI’S GHOST

Berlin – Respected director Werner Herzog was admitted to hospital last night after the ghost of Klaus Kinski allegedly dropped an Anvil on his head. Herzog was knocked unconscious and suffered multiple fractures but he was able to describe the incident to The Studio Exec: “I have had the feeling for a while that somebody was … Continue reading “WERNER HERZOG ATTACKED BY KLAUS KINSKI’S GHOST”

WERNER HERZOG’S WEDDING VIDEOS

HOLLYWOOD – Documentarian, director and sibilant Austrian septuagenarian Werner Herzog has opened his own wedding videos company, which offers the unique service of having the award-winning director of such films as Fitzcarraldo, Aguirre Wrath of God and The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans capture the most important and beautiful day of any couple’s lives.  … Continue reading “WERNER HERZOG’S WEDDING VIDEOS”

ZIMMER, HERZOG AND WALTZ RELEASE MUSICAL

HOLLYWOOD – Film composer Hans Zimmer, Director Werner Herzog and actor Christoph Waltz have debuted their long in production mystery project Der Kaiser von Mäusen (The Emperor of Mice) at a Hollywood Kindergarten. The project is a concept musical for children using groundbreaking audience participation techniques, live interactive film-making and most controversial of all, the marshaling of a real army … Continue reading “ZIMMER, HERZOG AND WALTZ RELEASE MUSICAL”